How to not be needy
In this post I try to solve the conundrum that a lot of guys face: why does it look like girls like guys that don't give a shit about them? The usual answers are simplistic: girls want what they can’t have; aloof guys look like they have higher value; aloof guys seem more interesting or mysterious, etc… All of these answers are right to a degree, but they don’t tell the whole story. So I came up with my own explanation:
Needy love: Our society exalts love as the greatest good, the pinnacle of human life, etc… But the problem is that our society sees “love” as purely an emotion. What our society calls love I call needy love, defined as a set of ultimately selfish emotions including the desire to have sex, the desire for physical affection, the desire for an ego boost, the desire for validation, etc… This is not a complete list, but the specific emotions are not important – the point is that these emotions are selfish in that they consist of YOU wanting something from the other person without regard for what they want. There are, of course, other conceptions of love: the Bible (and many other traditional societies) saw love as a contract between two parties that has little to do with emotion. But our society sees love as purely emotion without the accompanying obligation – when your “emotions” run out, you’ve “fallen out of love” and you can go find somebody else with no consequences.
The emotions that make up “needy love” are our strongest emotions, so needy love hijacks our thoughts and convinces us we have a deep connection with the other person. People don’t think “Wow I am under the influence of a bunch of extremely strong chemicals in my brain” but instead think “this is my soulmate.” That is why “love” is the subject of countless poems, movies, love songs, etc… and an object of worship in our society.
Needy love emotions are different for men and women. Women, for example, feel a strong attraction to “confident” men, whereas men, although they like confident women, don’t have the same emotional reaction to confidence. Men, on the other hand, place more weight on physical appearance than women do. Overall, the checklist that has to be satisfied for women to fall into needy love is much longer than men’s, which is part of the reason women take longer to fall in love and are more “flaky.” The reason relationships are so hard is that just because you feel needy love towards a woman doesn’t mean she feels the same needy love back – they have a different process going on in their brain.
One of men’s strongest needy love emotions is their overwhelming desire for sex right away, so men “fall in love” and emotionally over-invest in a relationship much quicker than women. That’s why men are a lot more likely to be “creepy” than women –their “needy love” emotions activate much quicker. However, the needy love emotions are much stronger in women and once a woman “falls in love” she is much more likely to become clingy and needy.
Negative needy love: Here is the dark side of needy love: while the needy love emotions make you feel good for a while, they have an incredibly destructive negative component. Feelings of attachment, sexual desire, acceptance, etc…, can quickly change to neediness, depression, desperation, loneliness, anger, resentment, etc… if the person rejects you. Needy love is like crack – the highs are amazing, but the lows are terrible. The Greek philosopher Plato wrote that “erotic” love is ultimately dangerous because it makes you irrationally value a person when they like you, and then irrationally hate them when they don’t. As we all know, love can literally drive a person crazy and cause one to become violent, stalk somebody, fall into deep depression, etc… “Love” has ruined countless people’s lives. On a subconscious level everybody knows that a person in the grip of needy love is basically insane.
Vicarious emotions Human beings have a weird ability to feel emotions vicariously through other people. For example, if you see a guy get hit by a car, you feel “bad” for him because you FEEL as if you yourself got hit by a car,. You don’t logically think to yourself “oh that must suck to get hit by a car.”. The Scottish philosopher Adam Smith said the basis for human sympathy is the fact that we feel through the eyes of the others. That’s why you oftentimes don’t have sympathy for people experiencing problems you haven’t experienced.
One reason needy love so intense is that you feel the other persons emotions vicariously: not only do you feel your own emotions towards them, but you also literally enter their mind and feel their emotions towards you, so being in love is like an infinite loop of emotions. You love them, you feel them loving you, you then feel them feeling you loving them, etc… It’s insane and part of the reason why “love” is such a complicated mindfuck. But beware: YOU CANNOT ACTUALLY READ THEIR MIND SO YOU PROJECT EMOTIONS ONTO THEIR BRAIN THAT THEY MAY NOT HAVE. Oftentimes when guys get “oneitis” it is not only because they desire the other person, but because they’ve tricked their minds into thinking the other person desires them when they don’t.
Women (and men) are disgusted by needy love The main point of this article and the reason why women like men who don’t give a shit about them is this: women are disgusted by needy love. If a woman sees a guy displaying the needy love emotions, she immediately become turned off because she vicariously feels that he is becoming crazy. She knows that the man WANTS something (not just something, A LOT) from her. This puts pressure on her because now somebody’s happiness is dependent on her. She knows that he is constantly thinking about her and if she fucks up even a little (i.e., forgets to call him back, says something weird, etc…) he will become angry and disappointed. The guy goes from a regular, nice, attractive dude to an irrational robot that wants and needs something from her. Worse yet, the woman knows that if the guy doesn’t get what he wants, he will become depressed/rejected/angry. Because women don’t want to “hurt” the other person, they just disappear – they literally reject you because they don’t want to reject you. The fucked up thing is that women feel all this subconsciously, so they don’t really know why they are getting turned off: they just know that the guy is doing something that is repelling them.
All women have felt needy love before so when they sense it in somebody else they know exactly what is going on. However, women feel needy love on a much stronger level than men so when a man displays a tiny bit of neediness, the woman interprets that as more than it really is because women don’t understand how men’s emotions work. One thing I have noticed is that the clingiest/neediest women oftentimes give out the harshest rejections – it makes sense: these women reject guys the hardest because they themselves know full well know what its like to be needy and they know its terrifying.
Also, because the needy love emotions are at the forefront of women’s minds, a woman can sense needy love in a guy when he himself doesn’t even see it. Worse yet: super attractive women have so many men fall in love with them that they may assume a man is displaying needy love to them even if he isn’t. Some women (especially women that get hit on a lot) interpret simple, everyday actions by the guy (having polite conversation, buying them a drink) as insane needy love – remember we said that vicariously feeling emotions doesn’t mean that you will actually know what they are feeling. If you’re a super hot girl in America in 2014, you have tons and tons of people displaying needy love towards you: the cashier at the grocery store, your 15 ex-boyfriends who can’t get over you, other girls who are jealous of you/want to be you, etc… A person who is genuinely emotionless towards you is a breath of fresh air.
Finally, beyond the subconscious level, women are turned off by needy love because needy people are just not fun to be around. They agree with everything you say, don’t say anything interesting/provocative, laugh at all your jokes, and don’t challenge you/call you out on your bullshit. Basically you are useless. Furthermore, people under the influence of needy love act irrationally, talk stupid, act creepy, and display more negative emotions (jealousy, disappointment) than positive ones.
Please keep in mind that our brains can subconsciously pick up a person acting out of needy love, and the signs are often very subtle. Imagine a person saying “hey how are you”? A person can say those same words as a merely nice guy, but another person acting out of needy love will betray their neediness in their body language, tone of voice, eye contact, etc… On a logical level there is no difference, but your subconscious emotions will be able to pick up that the person is displaying needy love. That’s why a lot of guys fail when they pretend to not give a shit – they have to actually not give a shit. It is a very delicate dance to not display needy love – you need to carefully choose your words, and you need to monitor your subject closely to see if you are freaking her out. I’ve noticed that really emotional, shitty girls are even more prone to freaking out when guys act needy. You can be having an amazing time all night but then the slightest nudge of needy love freaks them out and sends them running. You should stay away from girls like this in the first place, but the point remains: sometimes even a subtle, slight bit of neediness puts the subject on the defensive. Remember, freaking out over needy love is a subconscious process so they may THINK they like you but they will feel a revulsion if you are being needy.
Don’t girls want to be loved? Well… not exactly. I mean, of course on a logical level they think they want to be loved, but nobody really wants to be the object of somebody’s needy love. What women really want is a guy THEY CAN LOVE. As a guy, you need to just get out of the way and let her love you and not say or do anything to fuck it up. Remember, needy love emotions are selfish, so a girl will send needy love to you all day but then freak out when you send that same needy love back. Of course, girls want certain things from guys, like attention, somebody who will listen to them, sex, etc… It’s ok to give those things in the right times and right amounts. But the full panoply of needy love emotions often freaks them out, especially if the guy’s needy love is stronger than theirs. Another way to put it is this: women want to be loved on a logical level: they want a guy who is attentive, cares about them, isn’t needy, isn’t selfish, and isn’t an asshole.
Girls aren’t impressed with needy love. A lot of girls have had shitty ex-boyfriends who were full of needy love but still treated her like shit (in fact, being fully of needy love makes you more likely to treat a girl badly because you are more likely to be angry and emotional). The creep at the bar that talked to her for 5 minutes will start displaying needy love. So a girl will not say “oh this guy isn’t expressing needy love towards me, he doesn’t like me.” Also, girls know that the needy love emotions are temporary and wildly fluctuate, so a guy who is under the spell of needy love could easily fall in “love” with another girl tomorrow and leave alone. One thing I’ve noticed is that the most “slutty” girls post the most quotes about “love” on their Facebook and stuff. Why is this? They can’t control their emotions and live in a world of needy love, and needy love doesn’t actually care about the actual person you love. When somebody else tickles your emotions you move onto them and forget the first person you were needy loving. If you love a girl “logically” you are actually doing her more of a service than if you love her with needy love. Logical love is more solid and pure than needy love.
So what should a man do? If you want to get a girl to like you, talk to her, be nice to her, joke with her, etc… But just don’t display the needy love emotions. Treat the girl like any other dude you know. Don’t say anything that implies that you “need” anything from her, don’t stare at her too long, don’t follow her around, don’t demand her attention, don’t do things for her, etc… If you’re out with her, don’t make her feel “responsible” for you – make her feel like you could totally walk away and do your own thing and it wouldn’t bother you. In fact, you should err on the side of slightly being a “dick” because a lot of really hot girls will interpret normal behavior as needy love. It will be hard, because you’ve been taught by society (i.e., romantic comedies and Disney movies) that the way to court girls is to kiss their ass and tell them all about your deep and passionate needy love. And of course your emotions are going to want to make you act needy. Control your emotions! Another danger is that the girl will start showing interest so you will think “it’s ok for me to start showing needy love now.” No!! Needy love is always bad, and just because you’ve been making out and staring into each other’s eyes doesn’t mean its ok to bring out your needy love.
After some practice (and abundance mentality) you will be able to snap out of it. It’s hard to act emotionless so you will fuck up. Some guys slip back into needy mode after the girl shows some interest, or they will “ignore” the girl, causing her to think you are uninterested or an asshole or playing games. But its like weightlifting – once you get to a certain point you will be unstoppable.
But won’t I friendzone myself? Good question. Yes, if you completely act emotionless around a girl, she may think you are uninterested. So you need to do 2 things: 1) tell her you are interested. Ask her on a date. A lot of guys are afraid of asking girls on dates because they don’t want to look needy, but if you can ask a girl on a date without displaying needy love you will intrigue and excite her. It’s a great deal for her! She can get all the fun and excitement of a date without the burden of dealing with a guy that wants a bunch of shit from her, and 2) do all the things you’ve learned in seduction: eye contact, deep, intelligent conversations, kino, escalate, etc… It is possible to do all these things without showing needy love. You may ask: how can one escalate with a girl sexually without making it look like you want to fuck her … well, it’s an art (see the push pull method).