How to self-amuse
Here is, in my opinion, all you need to know about game.
The #1 biggest mistake men make is that THEY TRY TO GET GIRLS TO LIKE THEM. Trying to get girls to like you fails because you look like you are validating yourself to her, which is incredibly unattractive.
Women aren’t attracted to men who try to get them to like them. Women are attracted to men who are living awesome lives and “allow” the women to participate. That’s why self-amusement is the key.
To “game” a girl, the conversation should be amusing at some level. Of course, sometimes a girl will fuck you if the conversation is boring and stupid (for example, if she is just incredibly attracted to you), but usually it needs to be amusing, at least at some level. There are 3 main ways the conversation can become amusing:
1) She amuses you.
2) You amuse her.
3) You amuse yourself and she participates.
Number 3 is what you should do.
Number 1 is great, and that is usually where you want to end up eventually. But when you first approach a girl, she has no reason to amuse you – she doesn’t know you. Women are rarely swept off their feet by a guy’s looks. Putting pressure on her to amuse you will fail.
Number 2 is poison. You trying to amuse her will fail because it will immediately look like you are validating yourself to her. And validating yourself to her fails for several reasons:
1) It takes away your power because you are supplicating to her. It’s a sad fact of life, but human beings are attracted to power, and if somebody supplicates to you they are indicating that they have less power than you. Billionaires are usually pretty powerful but if a billionaire came up to a stripper at a party bragging about how much money he had and trying to impress her, ON AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL, the stripper would feel like she had power over him. She would think “why does he want to impress my poor ass so much? Can’t he get somebody else? Maybe being a billionaire isn’t as awesome as I thought it was.” Etc... Women want to be led, not to lead, and if your life is not as awesome as theirs, why would they follow you?
2) It puts pressure on her. Validating yourself to a girl says to her “I want you to like me.” It logically follows that if she doesn’t like you, you will feel bad. That’s pressure on her. She will remember all the guys she rejected that became mopey and sad and stalkery. But if you’re self-amusing, then she can’t reject you even if she wanted. If you’re at a bar, and a guy runs by you and yells “I just won the lottery” you can’t “reject” that guy.
3) It’s disingenuous. How can you amuse somebody if you aren’t also amused? It’s like trying to tell somebody a joke you don’t think is funny or pretending you to cry if you’re not sad. Unless you are an Oscar-winning actor, she’ll see that you’re being fake. And if you seem fake, then you will look manipulative. That creates a bunch of weird, defensive emotions in her.
Imagine your favorite heavy metal band comes to town and you go see them. You are in the crowd, having a great time, and the band is killing it. In the middle of the concert, however, the lead singer sees you in the crowd. He stops the show, looks you in the eye and says “what song do you want us to play?” You look around. Who? Me? “Yeah you, what song should we play?” You yell out a song. “What style would you like it in? We normally play metal but we’ll play whatever you want.” You say “blues” just to fuck with the guy. They can’t play blues, but the lead singer says they’ll true anyway. The guy keeps going. Do you want me to wear a weird outfit when I play it? Want me to buy you a drink? Then the lead singer finally says “I just want to make you happy, man. I just want you to like us. That’s all I care about.”
How would you react? You would feel weird and a lot of pressure for being singled out and pressure to “like” the band after they tailor the show to you. You would think it is stupid to ask for instructions on how to play because they are the experts and not you. You would ask yourself questions like “Why are they singling me out? Why do they care what I think? What’s wrong with this band?” And of course, your answer to all of their questions about how to play their music would be the same: “just do your thing.”
That’s an extreme example, but that’s how girls feel when you try to get girls to like you. But it’s even worse when you validate yourself to girls because you aren’t a famous band they already like. You’re just some dude.
Self amusement vs. Validation vs. Interest
So what does it mean to self-amuse? You need to think that you have in your possession everything in the universe that can make you, her and any other woman happy beyond their wildest dreams. Of course, you may not – she may be looking for a billionaire or a 7 foot tall black guy with a 23 inch dick and you will never have that. But when approaching you should act like you do.
Here is an important point: you can still show interest in a girl but not try to validate yourself to her. Those are different things. “Showing interest” is saying “hey I like you” or “I think you’re attractive.” Validating yourself is saying “I want you to like me.” It’s a subtle, but important difference.
Showing interest is always great. Compliment girls wherever you go. Tell them they’re hot. But don’ t validate yourself. The message you should be sending is “I think you’re hot and possibly a candidate, but I’m not going to do anything to ‘get’ you.”
Women can tell, on an emotional level, whether you are self-amusing, validating yourself, or showing interest. They can tell based on your body language, tone of voice, eye contact, etc... If I walk into a club right now, I can tell which guys are dancing because they enjoy dancing and which guys are dancing to impress girls. Or if I see a guy talking to a girl asking a bunch of stupid interview-y questions I can tell he doesn’t really give a fuck about the answers; he’s just hypnotized by the pussy.
Here’s how you approach: Walk around the club/bar/party/anywhere and make eye contact with everybody you see. Then when you see a girl you are attracted to, walk up to them and say WHATEVER IS ON YOUR MIND AT THAT MOMENT. The only things you are not allowed to say are 1) something that will be obviously stupid or offensive to her (like “nice tits, baby” or “Hitler was right”) or 2) anything where you are validating yourself to her.
Some successful lines I have used in just the past month: “hey how are you?” “dude I like those sneakers,” “did you see those guys fighting outside?” “you are way too hot guys for the guys you are with,” “yo,” etc...
These may sound like typical, boring things to say but the difference is that I am not saying them with the emotional undertone of validation; I am saying in the emotional undertone of self-amusement and very mild interest (your interest has to be mild at first or else you seem weird).
For the initial conversation, you need to self-amuse because, as I said earlier, she is not going to go out of her way to amuse you yet. Self-amusement can be done in a manner of different ways. Talking about something funny or interesting that happened to you, asking her questions ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE AMUSING TO YOU, or just saying anything you think is funny, weird, wacky, fun, etc... I’m not going to feed you a bunch of lines or routines like the PUA books because reciting a script to get girls to like you is the definition of validating yourself.
After the initial self-amusement, hopefully she becomes amused by too and wants to join. Then you let her amuse you. That should be the jist of the interaction: her trying to validate herself to you by amusing you. Ask validation-y questions. Are you single? Where are your friends? If she says she’s smart or funny, I might say something like “prove it.” Etc... You may say “durr, women aren’t amusing.” Yes they fucking are. They’re not amusing to most men because most men are spending their time trying to validate themselves. Every woman has some interesting shit going on in her life. Get her to talk about it. And here’s the best part: if she’s not being interesting, you don’t need to talk or get the conversation going again. Just lose interest ... she will realize that she fucked up by not being interesting enough, and she will want to make up for it by gaining your approval again.
Of course, it’s important to show interest, to make eye contact, smile, to not be an asshole, etc... Don’t forget the normal rules of social interaction. And even though you are self-amusing, you obviously shouldn’t drone on about shit she doesn’t care about. If I see an awesome documentary about dinosaurs, that’s probably what I’m going to be talking about with the next woman I see – but if she doesn’t care about dinosaurs I drop the subject. The ideal situation is one where you are both amused together.
Easier said than done
All this sounds pretty simple, but it is incredibly difficult for most men, including me, because we are trained from our early days that it is the man’s job to “court” the woman by impressing her and doing things for her. It’s even in your genes: we are wired by evolution to manipulate people into liking us and doing things for us. We are also wired to give things to women (see old men that buy porn stars stuff and get nothing back). Studies have shown that babies as young as 8 months will “lie” (by crying when they don’t need to) to get what they want. You need to reject this programming and become totally self-amused. You will want to revert back to supplicating and asking for validation, but you need to be almost sociopathic in your lack of concern for what she wants.
Another challenge is that you have to actually have confidence in your own thoughts and emotions. A lot of guys make conversations all about the woman because they don’t think the woman cares about what they are thinking or feeling.
Approaching women with this mindset kills approach anxiety. Here’s why: approach anxiety is a fear of rejection. You fear rejection because you are walking up to girls and trying to validate yourself. In other words, you are going to up to girls and saying, in effect, “please like me.” Of course, it will sting if she says no. But if you don’t go up to girls to validate yourself, you can’t get rejected, and you won’t feel approach anxiety. Again, this is easier said than done.
One way to look at shit tests is that it’s a woman checking to see if you are truly self-amused or if you’re just putting up an act. Or as one girl told me “I’m checking to see if you a bitch ass motherfucker.” She doesn’t want to enter your life and realize it was all smoke and mirrors. The way to handle a shit test is to smile as big as you can and let her know that you’re having a fucking blast and nobody can stop you.
Last weekend I was talking to a girl at a bar and we were both sitting on stools. Her friend, who was kind of drunk, came up and started talking to me and said “let me sit on that stool, it’s my birthday and that’s my friend.” With the biggest smile on earth said, “of course, I would love to let you sit on this stool and hang out with your friend. Unfortunately, I just got a drink and I’m enjoying it. I’ll be leaving the bar in about 20 minutes. Maybe then I’ll get up!” We keep talking and 20 minutes later she says “I want to sit on that stool” and I said “sure, but not right now.” She then start pushing me off of the stool. With a huge smile, I said “honey I’m sitting here right now. I like talking to you and I think you’re pretty, but if you try to push me off the stool I will call security and have you thrown out of this bar.” She said “really?” and I said “yes, really.”
I fucked her that night.