How to get her back
How to get her back
My first piece of advice for getting her back is this: don’t try to get her back. It’s a bad idea. It’s too much work and usually leads to rejection again. But, alas, I have gotten girls “back” before, so I will show you how to do it. Obviously there are no guarantees.
Before you proceed, please keep this in mind: if she rejected you once, she will probably reject you again. I know you think you’ve “improved” yourself or “fixed” what’s wrong with you so that now she’ll like you, but most likely she sees you as the same person. It takes A LOT of work to fundamentally transform yourself from somebody she doesn’t want to somebody she does want. And even if you did succeed in that transformation, her brain is still emotionally wired to see you as a certain kind of person (beneath her) and it takes A LOT of work to rewire somebody’s brain to think differently from you. Imagine if you saw the nerdiest kid in your high school right now. No matter how much he’s changed, your brain would still want to continue thinking of him as the high school nerd. It’s even worse when a girl has rejected you. No matter what you’ve transformed yourself into, she still feels like she has that power over you.
Why do you want her back?
The main reason you want her back is because she bruised your ego, and now you want to fix it. Most of the time when a guy (or girl) wants their ex back, it isn’t to live happily ever after, but to get the ex in a position to punish them in revenge. I have had exes lure me with the most intricate plots just so they could reject ME and make themselves feel better. I once had an ex who I dumped meet me in a club and fuck me in the bathroom. She then suggested we go to another club. Thinking that the night was going great, I agreed to go with her. She brought me into the VIP section of the club, only to have me kicked out by her “new” guy friends. She set the whole night up just to get revenge on me. Of course, that ex was a terrible shithead, but the seed of that emotion exists in everybody.
The human ego is a powerful thing, and it literally cannot take no for an answer. If somebody bruises our ego, we either tell ourselves a story as to why that person was wrong (“they don’t know me, they’re just jealous, they don’t matter, I can do better, etc...”) OR we DEMAND that that person fix the damage they caused.
Unfortunately, a rejection in a relationship is the worst kind of blow an ego can face because you’ve formed an intensely close connection with somebody and you’ve come to rely on them for your ego feeling good. This person has gotten to know you intimately, and now they are saying that you are not good enough for them. On top of that, there is way to tell ourselves they were wrong: they DID know you, they DID matter, they WEREN’T jealous, for a long time you didn’t think you could do better, etc...
Before you get her back, you must first determine what you want from getting her back. Oftentimes, guys don’t really want to actually restart a relationship with the girl that dumped them, but to “punish” her and get that feeling of power and control that she took from them. If that’s what you are looking for, you are just asking for trouble because, despite your efforts at gaining the upper hand, you fundamentally “need” something from her (closure, a feeling of power, etc...) which ensures that she will keep the power over you. The only legitimate reason to try to “get her back” is because you enjoy her company and the thing that caused you to break up the first time was a misunderstanding or you made some mistakes you can correct.
Why did you lose her?
Whether you can get a girl back depends on why she was with you in the first place and why she dumped you. If she originally started dating you as a placeholder until she could get to the guy she really wanted, you should not try to get her back because she never really liked you and will probably never like you. Most guys find it very hard to accept they are a placeholder because women are incredible actors and no guy wants to believe that those incredible emotions he felt (and the perceived incredible emotions felt by the woman) were a lie. But the truth is that when women feel lonely or desperate or “crazy”, they often get into relationships with guys they are not 100% about and they can act just as interested around these placeholders as guys they actually like. It may be difficult and painful, but you should objectively take stock of why she was with you in the first place. If she was being crazy or she wanted something from you (stability, money, status, etc...), you need to move on and not look back.
It is possible to get a girl who does not like you to start to like you, but it usually requires A LOT of work and oftentimes requires you to radically redefine who you are fundamentally are. If she never really liked you that much, continuing to chase her is a waste of your time and poison for your self-esteem.
Other times women dump you because the balance of power shifts in the relationship. When women have too much power in the relationship, they often lose attraction to the man (the exact mechanisms behind this are complex, but you can read about it in my other articles). When there is a power shift, you can sometimes get her back, but it takes A LOT of work because you must fundamentally rewire both your brain and hers to think of you as the powerful one. “First impressions” are extremely important because usually, when a person wires their mind to think of another person in a certain way, it is very difficult to change that wiring. I have developed the concept of the “encounter,” which I define as the moment that two people first interact and “rank” each other in the subconscious dominance hierarchy through which humans see the world. Once the encounter happens, it is very difficult for the parties to “switch” positions, where the inferior person becomes superior and vice-versa.
A woman may also dump you because you did something wrong or developed a bad habit. Many guys get dumped because they develop a drug problem, or a video game problem, or they are chronically unemployed, abusive, shitty, etc... If you get dumped because you became a loser, it will be very difficult to get her back because you have probably lost of the power you had in the relationship. It is very difficult to become the alpha male in a relationship if you don’t have a job, have a drinking problem, etc... If, however, she dumped you because you did a specific wrong thing, it is easier to get her back, but you must genuinely apologize for that mistake and make sure you never do it again.
Women also sometimes dump you because they get bored of you. Boredom is usually linked to power. If she has a more exciting life than you, or has access to a more exciting life than the one you can provide, then she holds the power in the relationship, and it will be very difficult for you to regain that power and develop a life than is interesting enough to hold her attention. I have seen many young, hot girls that were dating boring guys and dumped those guys because they were offered more fun by older, richer, and more alpha guys.
Women also leave because they feel rejected. The aphorism “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” is true because one of humanity’s strongest impulses is to be “accepted” into the tribe, and making a woman feel rejected or unwanted will cause her to feel bitter and resentful. The word “feel” is important here: you don’t need to actually reject a woman for her to feel rejected. If you ignore her, or act distantly towards her, or do anything to make her subconscious mind feel excluded, she will react negatively. One of the traits of a “player” is that he can make women feel accepted and included even if he is not paying much attention to her or giving her much of his time.
If you rejected a woman, it is possible to “un-reject” her, but she will always carry that resentment from the first rejection and fear that it will happen again. She will be less likely to trust you and it will take a lot of work to convince her that you are not going to do it again. Furthermore, telling her you won’t reject her again won’t work: her problem is that she is stricken with a feeling, and you can’t change a feeling by just saying things. You just have to make sure that you are hyper-vigilant and you don’t do anything that could even be remotely construed as “rejecting” her again.
The actual steps
Step 1: No contact
No matter why she dumped you, the first thing you need to do is cut her off for a while. I usually recommend 60 days, but the “correct” amount of time is however long it takes for you to get over her and stop “needing” her. If you immediately try to get her back you look needy, desperate, and like you cannot control your emotions. My definition of “no contact” is very strict – not only must you not call her, you must block her on social media and you must avoid people that will talk about her. You must completely replace her in your mind with other things.
Oftentimes, the powerful party in a relationship will dump somebody but then seek to keep them around as a plaything that they can use for sex, companionship, or other favors. You must not let your ex treat you like this. If you want a certain level of commitment from her, and she is unwilling to provide it, you need to move on. Don’t try to “stay in her good graces” by being her shoulder to cry on, or doing favors for her, etc... Cut her off completely, not in a rude or shitty way, but in a “I’m busy and I have other shit to do” way.
DO NOT send her long, emotional diatribes, give her long, drawn-out apologies, or generally beg to get her back. Relationships exist in the domain of feelings, and mere words usually cannot defeat feelings. If you actually did something wrong, apologize once (just once!) and then move on. If she dumps you, you can simply respond “ok, well I really enjoyed my time with you. Good luck!” Keep it positive and make her feel like you are less emotional about the situation than she is, and that you can move on quicker than she can.
Step 2: Correct the power differential
Before you can get her back you must reclaim the “power” position in the relationship. Reclaiming power consists of two components: First, you must change yourself so that you no longer “need” her, and then you must demonstrate that new mental state to her.
Changing your mental state is very difficult because as I stated earlier, once our minds are wired to view ourselves as occupying a certain position in the dominance hierarchy vis-à-vis somebody else, it is very difficult to change that. If you feel like you are “beneath” a woman, or she is “out of your league,” or you are “lucky to have her,” or you just have strong emotional feelings of neediness towards her, it is very difficult to eliminate those feelings and put the relationship on a more even playing field. Many guys lie to themselves and trick themselves into thinking they’ve “gotten over her” but once they are back in her presence they immediately revert back to their old needy, pathetic, emotional state.
One way to break out of a stale mindset is to genuinely change who you are. You can do this by starting a new hobby, re-dedicating yourself to an exercise/meditation/wellness regimen, and generally improving yourself so much that you no longer think of yourself as the same person that got dumped. These are many of the same steps that you would undertake to get over a break-up.
You also need to cultivate abundance. If you want to get her back because you feel lonely without her or you feel like she is the best you can do, you will revert right back into your previous needy, powerless self around her. In all relationships, you should hang out with her because you genuinely enjoy her company, not because you “need” her. You need to feel like you have other options, and the best way to cultivate that feeling is by meeting other girls and actually having other options.
Oftentimes, both men and women try to reclaim the power by acting shitty or devious towards the other party. They try to make them jealous by posting pictures of their new boo, or they purposely ignore or act coldly towards their ex, or they do shitty, rude, and disrespectful things to their ex. These tactics do not work because they show that you still care. In the dominance hierarchy, the alpha male does not care about or think about the lower-ranked apes at all, so if you show any feelings at all, even negative ones, you are subconsciously communicating to her that you are beneath her in the dominance hierarchy.
No matter what terrible things your ex did you to, the best way to “win” and take the power back is by acting like you don’t care at all, as if her shitty behavior totally did not affect you. One of my favorite quotes is “the opposite of love is not hate; the opposite of love is apathy.” The best way to show apathy is to just be nice. If you met some random person that you knew nothing about and did not care about, how would you act? You would act nice, because why not?? People only act shitty when they are emotionally affected by the other person.
Of course, if your ex actually did horrible things to you, you should move on. There is a certain level of disrespect or harm that you should never tolerate, no matter how good the sex is, or how nice she is on her good days. A man needs boundaries, and harming you or your interests is a boundary that should never be crossed. I have very strict standards, and I excuse very little bad behavior, but I consider things like ignoring you and not calling you back relatively excusable because it merely a lack of interest on her part and not malice. I will also let mild “shit test”-type insults slide, if I know that she is doing to test my alphaness rather than to actually insult me. If, however, she is stealing from you, trying to hurt your feelings, or harming you in other ways, you should not try to act “powerful” like you don’t care – you should cut her off and move on.
Step 3: The initial reach out
The “reconnection” can only really occur after the raw wound of the breakup has healed, and enough time has passed for her to no longer feel like she has power over you. Ideally, she will reach out to you because she misses you. If she does not do this, however, you must reach out to her, but you must wait enough time for the old, negative feelings to dissipate. A lot of philosophers and thinkers have noticed that people frequently look to the past as a “golden age,” and I think this is because we have a natural tendency to forget the bad memories but we remember the good memories.
Whether or not you reach out to her, or she reaches out to you, or you guys just run into each other, you must be completely positive and nice when you see her again. You absolutely cannot let on that you have negative feelings for her, or that you still feel needy and supplicating. Women are attracted to dominant men that are consistently positive, and it is difficult to present that frame when you have a negative history with her. If she wronged you in a way that you cannot get over, you should not rekindle a relationship with her. If you plan on “punishing” her, you should not rekindle a relationship. And if you still feel needy or angry, you should not rekindle a relationship.
The initial reach out is dangerous because, if you play it wrong, you can quickly fall back into your previous, groveling, supplicating self.
To reach out, I suggest using a “hook point” from your previous relationship. During any relationship, you guys are going to have certain positive experiences, and you can reach back out to her using one of these “hooks.” For example, if she told you a funny story, you can text her “hey I told your story about the stripper buttholes last night and my friends thought it was hilarious.” If she really likes a musical artist, you can text her “hey I listened to the new Metallica album today, it’s really good!” The key here is to make her feel like you really are just sharing an experience you had and not trying to weasel your way back into her life. A bad reach out text would be asking her for something (“hey what are you doing tonight”) or sending some needy, pathetic (“I miss you!”).
If she does not respond to your reach out text, move on. She either has no feelings for you or she is so mad at you she does not want to deal with your bullshit. Even if your feelings for somebody are weak, or you have some problems with somebody, you will usually react positively to hearing from them after a long time. If she does not respond at all, you are fighting a losing battle.
If she does respond, you should have a text conversation with her. Normally, I am against having long text conversations with girls, but a reconnection is one of the few situations where I think it is appropriate. You can do some catching up, but again, you must not sound needy or overly excited to get her back. And if you can’t lose the script of “I just saw something interesting I wanted to share.”
Hopefully, she responds to your reach-out text by saying something like “we should hang out!” If she does this, don’t get too excited. Respond by saying something like “yeah! That sounds good! I’ll let you know when something fun comes up.” That way, you are showing that you are open to meeting, but you are still making her feel like you are not needy and too anxious to get back with her. Saying “I’ll let you know when something fun comes up” creates some uncertainty in her mind as to whether you really want her back. The next step is to wait a few days, find a fun event, and then invite her to it.
If she does not suggest hanging out in your reconnection conversation, she is probably less interested. You can try asking her out if you guys have a good conversation, but you are on thin ice and may come off as overeager. I suggest instead letting the conversation come to a natural close, waiting a while, and then reaching out again a week or two when something else reminds her of you. The goal here is to destroy the weirdness and have a normal relationship without the negativity of the past relationship.
Step 4: The new relationship
If you actually get to the point where you guys are hanging out again, the “new relationship” must be free of all the bullshit of the past relationship. If she tries to bring up past fights or drama, you should apologize once (ONCE!!) and then say “that was a long time ago.” If she really presses you on something wrong you did, you can say “I was immature back then and I’ve grown as a person.” You cannot let yourself dragged into long fights about what happened before – no good will come of them. You must stay positive.
You must also make sure you do not fall into the patterns of the old relationship where you are supplicating to her, acting needy, getting into fights, etc... The new relationship is a chance to “reset” your relationship and do it right, but you can blow your chance at restarting if you fall back into the old, shitty patterns.
How to not get hooked
For future reference, instead of trying to get her back, you should make sure you don’t get hooked in the first place. Relationships are intoxicating partly because somebody is pumping up our ego with fake validation. It’s fake because your validation should never come from somebody else: it should come from reality and yourself. Of course it is natural for humans to want validation from each other, but nobody should ever give you so much validation and make you so dependent on them that you feel shitty if their validation is gone.
Let’s say you are some average looking, average personality, average everything guy, and you start dating some super hot, brilliant, famous woman, for God knows what reason. Maybe she was feeling lonely or crazy or maybe you somehow tricked her into thinking you were better than you actually are (btw, one downside of having awesome game is that you sometimes rope in chicks that are way out of your league, and then when the girls get to know you, they realize that you are beneath them and they dump you). With your new super hot girlfriend you will naturally start feeling like you are the shit and when you get dumped it will feel terrible. In reality, you may become a little bit “better” because you hang out with her – you may become a little smarter, more cultured, etc... But at the end of the day, you are basically the same fucking person. Having a hot girlfriend did not make you “better” in any way – you are not smarter, better looking, more cultured, etc... because you have a hot girlfriend. SHE IS NOT YOU. YOU ARE NOT HER. You are different people: what she eats doesn’t make you shit. If some dumb, superficial guys think you are more awesome because you have a hot girlfriend, they are being idiots and you shouldn’t buy into their bullshit.
This may seem painfully, almost stupidly obvious, but it is natural for men to feel like they are actually “better” because they have a hot girl. I have seen tons of mediocre guys date girls that were way too hot for them, and I have seen these guys’ egos literally get bigger. They literally start talking more shit, acting tougher, acting more arrogant, etc... just because they have a hot girlfriend. But of course, when the hot girlfriend dumps these guys, they become puddles of sadness. The worst thing is when these guys give up on their manly pursuits because they have a hot girlfriend. If you start playing in a rock band to get girls, and you feel like you’ve gotten the most awesome girl ever, you may quit playing in a rock band because the original purpose is gone. Tons of guys, especially young, immature guys in high school and college get sidetracked from their dreams because of some woman. Think about this: if a woman is keeping you from your hobbies, dreams and your friends, she doesn’t really like you.
You may be yelling at your computer right now “don’t you teach us there are no ‘leagues’??” Well, in my heart I believe there are no leagues, and any 2 people can get together if the circumstances are right (although probabilities heavily vary). But most guys, because of society and their emotions, do believe in leagues, and when they feel like they are with a girl out of their league their self-esteem skyrockets and then when she dumps them their self-esteem plummets. If you truly convince yourself there are no leagues, you will feel like you can get another [equivalent] girl whenever you want.
Like I said before, you should not try to get a girl back. If she dumped you, it’s usually because she either does not like you or because you did something you cannot recover from. I have “gotten back” girls before, but the “new relationship” was never good as the old one because the old resentments, lack of trust, and negative feelings were always lurking beneath the surface.