How to hold frame (my complete guide)
Table of contents
The subconscious mind
What is the alpha male?
The alpha male and reality
The archetypal alpha male
Hacking your mind
Practical steps to hack your mind
Your inner world
Status and Insecurity
Women and the alpha male
The alpha male and resources
Approaching and escalating
How to be nice
Joking and teasing
Women are attracted to the archetypal alpha male, the “perfect” alpha male. Women are only attracted to real men to the extent they are similar to the archetypal alpha. The archetypal (perfect) alpha male has 4 primary characteristics:
1) Power – The alpha male can defeat any challenge relevant to the tribe, including physical challenges from other tribes.
2) Superiority – The alpha male gets first dibs on resources.
3) Abundance – The alpha male controls all resources, including women.
4) Leadership – The alpha male leads the tribe in every respect and makes all the rules for the betas in the tribe.
The alpha possesses these traits so he can lead the tribe in the battle against challenges.
Defeating challenges is the most fun thing a person can do.
Women are attracted to the archetypal alpha because they can vicariously defeat challenges through him, but without the danger or responsibility.
The archetypal alpha’s thoughts and emotions are always fixated on defeating challenges.
The archetypal alpha only does things for women, including paying them attention, when they do something for him first. This rule is the “alpha male quid pro quo” and is the most important rule for holding frame.
As the leader, the alpha male makes all the rules for the tribe, which means that he essentially creates the rules for reality because humans did not evolve to understand the difference between objective reality and the alpha’s rules.
Insisting on your own reality, especially when it clashes with other realities, is holding frame.
Although you are not the archetypal alpha, you can and must “hack” your mind to feel like the archetypal alpha. You do this by focusing your thoughts and emotions on defeating challenges in your life, even when you are around women.
To act and feel as if you have the “power” trait, you must act and feel as if you can defeat any challenge. You must remain calm, positive, and stoic in the face of negativity.
Abundance requires you to feel like you have everything. The primary barriers to abundance are 1) uncontrolled desires, 2) pedestalization of women, 3) a shitty life, and 4) insecurity.
Superiority requires you to focus on your own fun first, and to make her feel like you have access to worlds, both inner and outer, she can never access.
Leadership requires taking the lead in every aspect of the relationship and creating the rules for reality.
Disclaimer Many people will want to reject this article because of its reliance on evolutionary biology. I am not a scientist, so these theories are a combination of my admittedly cursory reading of the scientific literature and my own observations of human life. The science of evolutionary biology is not advanced enough yet to definitively demonstrate which human behaviors are socially conditioned and which are influenced by evolutionary factors, so much of the following is not based on laboratory science. But the following does not contradict the scientific consensus and more importantly, just because science has not figured out something does not mean it is not an important answer for humans to have.
This article is about how to act like an alpha male, or in other words, “hold frame.” Acting like an alpha male is called holding frame because the alpha is the master of the current reality and creates the rules for reality, so you must “frame” every situation through the lens of your own reality. You must act as if your conception of reality is the correct one (even if it is not, you can always change your conception of reality later), your reality is more fun than any other reality (even if it is not), and nothing can make you accept another reality (even though you would). This sounds like a huge task, and it is, but you will be amazed at how malleable people’s thoughts, emotions, and even identities are in the face of what they feel to be is the alpha male.
This article will not make women like you. It will not teach you how to be funny, or smart, or interesting, or rich, or confident, etc… All it will do is teach you a few rules about how the alpha male would act. But even if you follow these rules perfectly, women may still reject you because there is more to being an alpha than just acting like one. The alpha male is generally tall, athletic, presents a nice appearance, and has some type of indicia, often in the form of money or other resources, that he is good at defeating important challenges. This article will not focus on how to improve those material facts about yourself, as there is plenty of literature on how to lift, eat right, dress better, etc…
Even if your material circumstances suck, and you are short, poor, ugly, or unsuccessful, you must still hold frame. There are no special rules for ugly guys. If you are unattractive or your life sucks, you will get rejected more, women will be less likely to accept your frame, and women will leave your frame more often. When faced with these obstacles, many men break and just accept that they are “losers” or try find a different way to women’s hearts, often by acting like a little bitch. Don’t do that. If you can stand firm and hold frame, you will feel more powerful, more confident, less needy, and these new emotions may even help you become more successful in your life.
The subconscious mind
Human psychology is fucking weird. No matter how much we humans like to think we are rational, we often do things that are counterintuitive, irrational, and counterproductive even to our own goals and desires. The modern media-entertainment complex wants us to throw up our hands and say “There is nothing you can do! Everybody is different, emotions are mysterious and impossible to understand, especially emotions like love and attraction, and all you can do is be a nice person, and hope people like you.”
To some degree the media-entertainment complex is correct, but I believe that much of human behavior can be explained by deep, subconscious evolutionary wiring related to our need and desire to view the world as a dominance hierarchy with an alpha male at the top. Not only do we subconsciously view all of our relationships through the lens of this dominance hierarchy, but our subconscious perceptions of ourselves and others cause us to “act out” this dominance hierarchy in ways that we may not even consciously realize. Scientists have clearly observed these dominance hierarchies in apes, but to “prove” that they exist in humans would require thousands of experiments, most of which would be highly unethical, politically incorrect, and probably impossible. Therefore, all we have to guide is the little science we have and our own observations and experiences.
Each person is unique and almost infinitely complicated, but we share certain emotions formed through millennia of evolution, and the dominance hierarchy emotions are the strongest of these. Because the dominance hierarchy ensured the survival of our ancestors against their enemies in the jungle, these emotions are relentless, constant, uncompromising, and extremely powerful. They overpower all of our other emotions, even important ones like love and compassion, and even hijack our rational thoughts. When repressed or ignored, these emotions reappear in a different form, oftentimes even stronger, and sometimes disguised as something else.
Think of the human mind like a house: everybody has a different house, but we all have the same foundation, and if that foundation is not maintained, the house collapses. Put another way, our rational mind is like a mouse trying to ride an elephant. The mouse can influence the elephant’s actions a little, and over a lifetime this little becomes a lot, but the mouse’s control over the elephant at any single moment is very tenuous and cannot change what the elephant fundamentally wants. If you are ever reluctant to hold frame, you must remember that you are speaking to her emotions that literally decide whether she gets killed in the jungle or not. And no matter how mean, bitchy, disinterested, angry, rude, insistent, or confident her conscious demeanor appears, it is ultimately a mouse riding an elephant.
It bears repeating that holding frame, by itself, will not make a woman like you. You must hold frame AND appeal to her other desires as well. Some women want a 7 foot tall basketball player, others want a dirty hipster covered in tattoos, and yet others want a nerdy Indian guy, and if you are not what she wants she will either not pay you enough attention to notice your frame or she will feel attracted, but not enough to fuck you. Not that it matters what anybody wants. The alpha male is a fun-seeking missile, so he does whatever the fuck he wants and women that like it will join.
What is the alpha male?
It is impossible to describe human emotions into words, so I arbitrarily categorize the alpha male’s traits into 4 broad categories, but many traits and actions can fall into more than one category.
1) Power – The alpha male can defeat any challenge relevant to the tribe, including physical challenges from other tribes.
2) Superiority – The alpha male gets first dibs on resources.
3) Abundance – The alpha male controls all resources, including women.
4) Leadership – The alpha male leads the tribe in every respect and makes all the rules for the betas in the tribe.
The primary characteristic of the alpha male is that he defeats challenges. Ape alpha males primarily defeat physical challenges, whereas human alphas must defeat any kind of challenge relevant to human life.
In the language of Jordan Peterson, the alpha male evolved to slay the dragon of chaos. Our minds divide existence into order (that which we know and understand) and chaos (that which we have not yet conquered). The ideal life straddles the border between order and chaos. Too much chaos, and you are overwhelmed, confused, and crippled by fear. You get no wins, you accomplish nothing, and you are dispirited. Too much order, and you are lazy, bored, overly rigid, antsy, and fail to grow. But defeating challenges with one foot in the realm of order and one in the realm of chaos is the purpose of life: it is the most exciting, meaningful, and fun thing a person can do.
Because our position in the dominance hierarchy is the primary determinant of our emotions, thoughts, and behavior, our subconscious mind is constantly trying to determine whether we are alpha or beta in the situation we are in and the people we are around. We subconsciously perceive the 1) material circumstances (resources and appearance) and the 2) actions of ourselves and others, and based on this information we subconsciously calculate our position in the dominance hierarchy. If we subconsciously feel beta, then we act beta, which causes us to feel even more beta, and causes others to view us as beta and therefore themselves as alpha. Actions influence emotions and emotions influence thoughts so our actions/emotions/thoughts axis can quickly spiral into a vicious or virtuous cycle, depending on what we do.
To determine who is the alpha or beta, our subconscious mind primarily looks at the parties’ ability to confront and defeat challenges. Because the most important challenges in our ape past were physical, we evolved to “sense” the alpha male as the male with superior physical strength, health, eagerness to confront and defeat challenges, evidence of having defeated challenges in the past, and an accumulation of resources (the prize of defeating challenges). When multiple individuals in the same situation exhibit these characteristics, they are driven to battle to determine the alpha, and the losers evolved to “become beta” and accept the alpha male’s leadership by following, obeying, and helping the alpha male.
Evolution enforces this dominance hierarchy by using a combination of emotional sticks and carrots. The “sticks” are negative emotions like anxiety, depression, and fear, which prevent betas from challenging or disobeying the alpha male. Anxiety freezes betas with hesitation if they are about to wander from the tribe or do anything you feel may upset the alpha male, and depression numbs their emotions and drains their energy after the alpha male rejects them or kicks their ass so they ruminate about what they did wrong so they don’t do it again. These feelings are all subconscious: even if you think the alpha is a stupid, incompetent, jerk, if you don’t feel like you can defeat him, you will still feel anxiety when confronting him.
The evolutionary “carrots” that draw betas to the alpha male are 1) an emotional fixation on the alpha male, 2) a strong desire to contribute to the tribe to obtain acceptance by the alpha male, and 3) the ability to vicariously defeat challenges through the alpha male. Defeating challenges is the ultimate fun, but betas evolved to feel paralyzing anxiety in the face of chaos, so they can only experience this fun vicariously through an alpha male. Even in our society today most people would rather have fun vicariously through the alpha male than do fun things themselves because the alpha male will face bigger challenges than the beta can, will be more successful against those challenges, and will win bigger prizes. This is why men watch football on TV on Sunday rather than play football in their backyard.
While betas intensely fixate on the alpha male, the alpha feels nothing for the betas. The alpha isn’t a narcissist or an asshole – he just needs to focus on defeating challenges. Focus is extremely important for the alpha male – if he gets distracted from fighting challenges for even a second the entire tribe could get killed. In fact, women evolved a keen ability to sense whether a man can be distracted. Many cultures even have a myth where their tribe kills everybody in another tribe by distracting them with women. In the West, see the rape of Dinah in the Bible or the rape of the Sabines in Roman literature.
To look at it differently, the alpha male needs to focus on defeating challenges because he is responsible for providing the “fun” for the tribe. If the alpha male’s thoughts and emotions are no longer focused on having fun, the betas must find somebody else to vicariously have fun through. This sounds disloyal, but having fun/defeating challenges is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING for humans. If you are not doing that, somebody is kicking your ass.
The alpha only focuses his thoughts and emotions and does things for betas when they do something to help him defeat challenges. In the middle of a war, the beta who takes care of the tribal chief’s horse is important and the chief can and must take care of him or her. The chief cannot waste any energy on betas who are not contributing; he needs to be focused on the enemy. Apes that do not act like this die in the jungle, so these behaviors and rules are wired into our deepest emotions. As you can see, there is nothing wrong with being a beta; betas are necessary for the functioning of the tribe.
Betas evolved to be very conscious of status. The dominance hierarchy is literally a ranking, and the more the alpha approves of your contribution the higher ranking he will allow you, and the higher your rank, the further you are from rejection. All obsession with status is essentially a deep-seated fear of rejection. Therefore, betas evolved to emotionally fixate on the alpha to figure out 1) if he is still the alpha or if he has been compromised and 2) whether the alpha is pleased with their contribution. This is also why betas’ self-esteem depends on the alpha. Psychologists have determined that people feel depressed and suicidal when they feel they no longer contribute to their community or the world.
Both men and women can feel beta, but women generally feel beta more consistently and strongly than men because they have less testosterone, a hormone that increases aggression and competition. Therefore, women fixate more deeply on the alpha male, and notice every little thing he says and does. Men generally do not fixate on women in the same way and therefore “miss” important information about the woman, often after it is too late. Women’s superior ability to fixate on the man provides them an important advantage because they can use the information they collect against the man if they feel like the man has done them wrong. Nietzsche theorized that the alpha’s biggest weakness was that he paid so little attention to the betas that he could not notice that they were plotting against him. This advantage is so important that most cultures have a myth where a scheming woman “dupes” an aloof man that is ignoring her. The ability to scheme is doubly important for women because a woman evolved to feel extreme anxiety in any physical confrontation with the alpha because it is clearly not a sound evolutionary strategy to fight the alpha.
Emotional investment is simply the act of fixating your thoughts and emotions on something or somebody. The longer you fixate your thoughts and emotions on something that feels good, the more emotionally invested you become. When something feels good, our brain forms neural circuit I call a “pleasure pathway,” that subconsciously and automatically propels us to seek that thing again, and if that thing feels good again, the pleasure pathway is strengthened. This is why drug addicts must consciously work to avoid drugs, because otherwise the will “automatically” do drugs without even consciously realizing what they are doing. This is also why emotionally investing in the wrong person is disastrous: you are literally addicted to a person that can manipulate you, harm you, or just not give a fuck about you.
Emotions are determined by actions, not thoughts or words, so women do not emotionally invest in you until they DO something meaningful for you. Words mean nothing. Once she does things for you, and you accept her into your life, and she has fun vicariously through you, a pleasure pathway will form, causing her to become more and more emotionally invested, especially if she does not have other men that can create the same feeling for her.
Women take much longer than men to emotionally invest because women must carry and take care of a child so they need a man who is credibly alpha over the long term, whereas a man is interested primarily in short-term sex. Furthermore, the alpha male is a complicated character, so a person must be analyzed for a while to determine whether they are really alpha or just a faker. This gives women a certain degree of power early in the relationship because they can be rational when the man feels emotional. Men often feel there is a “connection” when the woman does not feel anything yet, so women often use this rational phase to trick men into doing things for them.
Holding frame requires patience because women do not emotionally invest in you the moment you start holding frame. Even if she is acting bored, disinterested, mean, or distracted, she is secretly noticing and analyzing everything you do and will (possibly) come around and emotionally invest if you hold frame. Most men lose patience, so they do something to get an immediate positive reaction, usually by supplicating or acting like a little bitch. Holding frame means your primary motivator must be your own desire to have fun, not her reactions.
The alpha male and reality
Human’s desire to follow and obey the alpha male is so strong that people literally accept the alpha male’s instructions as the rules that govern reality.
Humans did not evolve to have an inherent ability to understand the concept of objective reality so all “rules,” even laws of nature, feel as if they are coming from an alpha male. This is why humans were so quick to attribute natural events to gods. Similarly, throughout history many charismatic men have created religions, philosophies, ideologies, and other “rules for reality” that the masses blindly accepted, often in the face of serious evidence that those rules were wrong. Humans are more likely to survive in the jungle if we follow the warrior rather than the scholar – a warrior who listens to the scholar is just an added bonus. Donald Trump has proven that, even in our “scientific” age, people prefer to follow the perceived alpha male over the truth.
In fact, the alpha male MUST define the rules for reality. If a man follows rules he did not create, the betas will feel like some other alpha male must be enforcing those rules. Betas are also terrified of chaos and need order, so if a man acts like he cannot control reality and impose order and rules on everything and everybody, betas start looking elsewhere for protection and leadership. Furthermore, when the alpha male ventures into chaos he actually does change reality by changing things, creating new things, defeating challenges, making discoveries, and imposing rules for how people should conduct themselves, making it even more difficult for betas to distinguish between the alpha male’s rules and objective reality. “Humans cannot fly” was a law of reality until a man invented the airplane, and more and more of these rules will collapse as human knowledge advances.
Although you must create your own reality and every rule for this reality, not everybody will accept your reality. Most people’s reality comes from the other alphas in their life: their father, religion, society, etc…, and they are not eager to shed that reality and accept a new one. Furthermore, everybody has an identity, values, likes, dislikes, beliefs, habits, fears, talents, fetishes, interests, standards, emotional hang-ups, dreams, goals, and idiosyncracies, which are often deeply embedded into them.
A man who is perfectly and archetypally alpha will theoretically be able to dissolve all these things and re-create any man or woman into anything he wants them to be because he is so emotionally powerful. But nobody is perfectly or archetypally alpha, which means that nobody, and especially no woman, will ever completely accept your frame. And even if they do, it is fleeting: they can get sucked out of it by some other real or imagined alpha male at any time. I am not saying this to intimidate you or dissuade you. The alpha male does whatever the fuck he wants with absolutely no regard to what anybody else thinks, so it is completely irrelevant to him who or who does not accept his frame. When his reality clashes with somebody else’s reality, he insists on his own reality, but he does not push it on anybody. His only mission is to have fun. If you do that, you will be surprised at how many people happily accept your frame.
Because humans evolved the ability to think abstractly, we can project the qualities of the alpha male onto abstract concepts such as “society,” the “media,” the “nation,” the “state,” the “President,” and even God himself, and feel the dominance hierarchy emotions towards those abstractions. Most people would tell you they do not follow an alpha male but nevertheless are afraid of professing a politically incorrect opinion to their best friend in private. Why? Because “society” has replaced God as the ultimate alpha male we worship and obey. Most people cower before some type of alpha male, and if we are not consciously resisting the alpha male, he becomes all the more powerful.
Of course, objective reality does exist and all humans are bound by real limitations. And most people are pretty well socialized as to what “reality” is, so people will look at you strange if you insist that the sky is purple and that you can talk to animals. Nevertheless, to her subconscious mind you must FEEL to as if you can create reality even if you superficially act like a normal, fun, happy guy.
The archetypal alpha male
Betas did not evolve to follow and obey just any alpha male, but rather the archetypal alpha male, the perfect alpha male. The archetypal alpha male can defeat any challenge, has complete abundance, is completely superior, and leads in every respect. He is infinitely alpha across all categories. The archetypal alpha is a fake character created by evolution that only exists in our emotions, and is designed to drive betas towards the man that can best protect and lead them. A beta who seeks a man who can defeat some challenges is less likely to survive in the jungle than a beta who seeks the man who can defeat all challenges.
The archetypal has no weakness, fear, or deficiency, so he can be completely honest about his intentions and will never give a single fuck about what anybody thinks. He will never lie, cheat, or make promises he can’t keep because he has no need to. The archetypal alpha is also fair in that he helps betas who contribute to the cause.
Of course, no real man is actually an archetypal alpha male. Nobody is even close. Women seek the man that is the closest approximation to the archetypal alpha, but because every real man is so far off, women never fully emotionally invest in any real man. I think it is silly for any man to say “I am alpha” – it is more accurate to say that a man “has alpha traits” or “thinks/feels/acts as an alpha would” in a particular moment and situation. Similarly, no man is completely beta. Most men switch between feeling alpha or beta depending on the situation they are in, the people they are around, and the thing they are doing. The biggest beta will feel and act like a badass when he is doing something he is good at, like playing video games, and many otherwise “alpha” guys act like a little bitch when they are around certain women or guys they see themselves as inferior to.
Whether or not you believe God is real, it is useful to study the character of God in religious literature because he clearly appeals to humans’ desire to follow the archetypal alpha: God is a man, who creates reality, makes all rules, provides guidance and leadership, is all powerful, is all knowing, controls all resources, conquers bad guys and challenges, and feels no fear or anxiety. The God of the Bible is closest to the archetypal alpha, which is why he is the most popular of the Gods. It is interesting that the God of the Bible is compassionate, loving, and accepting of his followers, but only if they obey his commandments. God does not NEED anything from anybody, he only helps his followers because they have shown their loyalty by bringing him some kind of sacrifice.
Hacking your mind
Because no real man is the archetypal alpha, we must “hack” our subconscious emotions to feel like the archetypal alpha male, or as close to it as we can. Life is a continuous stream of challenges, most of which we are unprepared for and fail, so we are all prone to beta thoughts and feelings. Therefore, we must fight to prevent our emotions from subconsciously drifting into negativity when we fail or meet a challenge that presents us with uncertainty. Even when you fail, you can’t let yourself FEEL inferior. You must hack your mind so you feel consistently alpha in all things you and in all situations, but most importantly, in difficult situations.
Fortunately, humans have the ability to “intervene” in our thoughts/actions/feelings cycle and change it through action. It is almost impossible to change your thoughts and feelings by just thinking. In fact thinking, reading, and talking about being alpha but being too afraid to do anything reinforces your subconscious mind’s feeling that you are beta. Not only is spending all day on the internet reading manosphere shit without doing anything wasting your time, it is actually making you more beta. Even if your thoughts/actions/emotions cycle is trending positively, you can do something beta and turn the cycle negative again. You must always keep working.
The key to hacking your mind is 1) understanding that the world is governed by rational rules that do not give a fuck about your feelings (or anybody else’s for that matter), 2) ensuring that your rational mind stays in control as much as possible, and 3) controlling your emotions.
As much as I discuss emotion in this article, at the end of the day the world is governed by cold, impersonal, objective, rational rules. These rational rules are freely available for anybody to understand and use to shape their world in their own image, but to do so, you must first control your emotions. Your emotions are just evolutionary tools designed to ensure our survival in the jungle, not objective representations of reality, and you cannot let your emotions guide you. Feeling alpha feels great, but if you try to fight a UFC fighter because you had a few beers and feel “alpha” you will get your ass kicked and quickly realize that the objective rules that govern the world do not give a fuck whether you think you think you are alpha or beta.
Realizing that the world is governed by rational rules is incredibly liberating, especially when dealing with women. Most men have no idea what women want, how they feel, or how their minds work, so they essentially see women as infinitely complicated black boxes that flit from emotion to emotion with no rational explanation or guiding purpose. With no rational guidance, these men are reduced to doing whatever they think will get a positive reaction out of women, allowing women incredible power to manipulate them and terrorize their emotions. This is the basis of cliché lines like “happy wife, happy life” or “the key to a successful marriage is admitting she is always right.”
But once you educate yourself about the rational principles that govern women’s emotions, you can take the lead in the relationship rather than simply reacting to her whims. You can even be a better partner and more “romantic” because you can anticipate what she wants before even knows what she wants. Each woman is infinitely complicated, but the foundational emotions for all women are the same. Best of all, when you get rejected, instead of falling into an existential despair of depression and ruined self-esteem you can analyze your rejection rationally: “I was too needy,” “I didn’t take the lead,” “she wasn’t attracted to me,” “she wasn’t emotionally invested enough to call me back,” etc… So long as women are a mystery to you, you must either give up on women or sacrifice your emotions to a slavemaster you do not understand. But once you understand women’s fundamental wiring, women will lose the power to manipulate you. You can still have beautiful, magical, transcendent relationships with women, you just won’t be terrified by her emotional whims anymore. Even if you do not understand all the relevant elements of women’s psychology, you must have faith that she, like everything else in the universe, is ultimately guided by rational principles.
To control your emotions you must disconnect your “self” from your emotions. “Self” is a nebulous concept, so you can think of your “self” as your ego, your rational mind, or your command center. It is the part of your consciousness that makes your final decisions and the “thing” that you evaluate when you judge yourself and the thing that makes the evaluations. Completely separating your “self” from your emotions is the highest level of enlightenment, and requires lots of meditation, discipline and hard work. Nobody completely makes it, but the closer you can get, the better life you can have. I am not saying you should be an unemotional robot – all humans are emotional, but your fundamental organizing principle should be rational and arrange your emotions to serve you, not the other way around.
Most men fail to separate their “self” from their emotions, so when they fail at something, they subconsciously think they are actually a beta and a worthless loser, and when they succeed at something, they subconsciously think they are the archetypal alpha, and become arrogant assholes. Most men fluctuate wildly between these two poles, oftentimes based on how their boss treated them at work and whether a woman likes them. Because their “self-esteem” is fundamentally based on these emotions, and therefore how people treat them, these men can easily be manipulated, especially by women. The modern media-entertainment complex wants men to identify with their emotions so they can be easily manipulable to purchase things, go along with political agendas, etc...
You must be able to separate your objective evaluation of yourself with the persona you present when holding frame. In my own mind, I am humble and realize I am just a speck of dust floating through space, and could get hit by a bus tomorrow. I am also very aware of my weaknesses and deficiencies, which I am diligently working to improve. To her, however, I am Superman, nothing bad will ever happen, and I have no weaknesses. I don’t act like a delusional maniac – I will admit things that are true (“sorry honey, I am not good at karaoke”), but I will do so in a way that is positive, upbeat, and makes her feel like everything will be all right and we will defeat all challenges (“give me 3 weeks of YouTube singing lessons and I will be the Whitney Houston of karaoke”).
You should evaluate yourself objectively, based on your accomplishments and your characteristics (which are formed by your accomplishments), not based on how others treat you. This is all the more important if you plan on “gaming” because most women, especially those that do not know you very well, will deliver judgments on you that have nothing to do with your actual value. I have gone out, suffered humiliating rejections from a bunch of mediocre women, and then walked over to the next bar and taken home a 9. All rejection is based on some rational reason, which you either can or cannot figure out. If you can’t figure it out, stop obsessing about it. If you can figure out why she rejected you but can’t fix the problem, stop obsessing about it. If you can figure out what you did wrong, fix it. If you are humble and self aware, you should be able to figure out why you got rejected most of the time, and even if you have serious deficiencies you cannot fix, you probably have a lot of areas you can improve and become attractive to women. If you are young and do not have many accomplishments yet, you must still “fake it till you make it.” Evaluating yourself objectively allows you to create a “delusional” persona to present to her, while simultaneously allowing yourself to improve your flaws.
Carl Jung said that most people have a false relationship to reality: some people overestimate their ability to affect reality (too much alpha emotion) and some people underestimate their ability to affect reality (too much beta emotion). Your ideal attitude for your regular life should be in the middle, where you control your emotions and have a “correct” or “rational” evaluation of your ability to affect reality. Arrogance prevents you from humbling yourself before the rational rules that govern reality, and “betaness” makes you too humble and prevents you from attacking reality with adequate vigor. Your feelings of alphaness can even form an unholy alliance with your feelings of betaness, causing you to get lazy because you think you are already the shit. I have seen tons of impressive guys knocked down because they believed their own bullshit. Pride goes before the fall. To repeat, however, the attitude you project to women is that of the archetypal alpha.
It's no secret that for most guys, especially in the modern world, too much betaness is a serious problem. But too much alphaness is also a problem – or more accurately, the problem is falsely identifying your feelings of being an alpha with your “self.” Just as women have a deep, subconscious desire to be with the archetypal alpha, men have a deep, subconscious desire to be the archetypal alpha. And just as women are chasing a character that they can never find, men subconsciously want to be a character that they can never be.
The most dangerous aspect of man’s desire to be the archetypal alpha is his infinite desire to fuck all women. Most men are losers that can rarely get laid by anybody, but all men have this insane desire embedded into their genetics, and once this desire awakens their life can quickly go off the rails. It’s common for lottery winners to lose all their money by blowing it on prostitutes, and many major celebrities have suffered immense damage because of their insatiable need for women. Guys like Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby can get lots of hot women without rape, but their subconscious emotions demanded what the archetypal alpha gets: ANY WOMAN, NO MATTER HOW HOT OR FAMOUS, WHENEVER THEY WANT, INCLUDING RIGHT NOW BITCH. But even though those guys were extremely powerful, they were not as powerful as the archetypal alpha, so they had to resort to rape to feel like him, which ultimately led to their ruin.
Because nothing can make a man feel like an archetypal alpha like a woman can, women are an extremely dangerous and addictive drug. Some of the most “beta” guys I know are good-looking, successful guys that learned some game and got some pussy, but got addicted to the forbidden fruit. Their desires expanded beyond their actual abilities, so now they act needy and desperate to fulfill their addiction, while simultaneously acting arrogant and narcissistic when things go well. The most beta guys in America are not the anime dorks in their mothers’ basements, they are the rich guys in nightclubs in Vegas and LA blowing thousands and sometimes millions of dollars on their impossible quest to feel like the archetypal alpha.
This article focuses on holding frame around women because nobody can fuck with your emotions like women can. To most men, women are the ultimate prize because they fulfill men’s deepest desires for sex, love, affection, companionship and, most importantly, the desire to feel like the archetypal alpha. Simultaneously, women launch massive shit tests at men while trying to determine if they are the archetypal alpha, leaving a string of broken, humiliated, depressed, and betafied losers in their wake. This combination of women’s desirability and the intense challenge they provide makes holding frame around women extremely difficult for most men. But the solution, counterintuitively, is not to play her game; rather, it is to withdraw and focus on defeating challenges.
You can hold frame around men women in non-romantic situations as well, but why would you give a shit? Unless you are insanely insecure, you don’t need to prove yourself to men: they don’t need to find an alpha male and you don’t need to find a man. Holding frame only matters in non-romantic situations where there are valuable resources on the line, genuine uncertainty as to what to do, and a genuine opportunity to create a new reality. A business negotiation, a job interview, a bar fight, and a crisis at work are examples of situations where holding frame vis-à-vis men matters. You must hold frame at work, but only in the broader sense: your coworkers should feel like you are in control of your assigned tasks, you are good at defeating challenges relevant to the job, and your coworkers need to struggle to keep up with you, and not vice-versa. But as our society becomes more and more rationalized and routinized, situations of genuine uncertainty are becoming more and more rare. I can hold frame at Starbucks all day but they still will not give me free coffee.
And furthermore, even though I don’t connect my “self” with my feelings of alphaness, I still use those feelings to power through challenges that would otherwise induce anxiety or uncertainty in me. Some of the most successful men in history have been narcissistic megalomaniacs. Being a megalomaniac is generally a negative trait that hurts you, but their irrational, oftentimes stupid, confidence helped them power through challenges that caused most other men to freeze in their tracks. Again, however, your archetypal alpha is a pitbull that must be kept on a leash by your rational mind – letting your inner megalomaniac run your life will more often than not lead you to ruin.
Practical steps to hack your mind
I don’t have a perfect plan to hack your mind to feel alpha. Nobody does. If they did, that person would be a billionaire and all men would be alpha. I have written about this subject on my blog, but I will briefly try to summarize my thoughts here.
Keeping your mind “hacked” requires religion, and by that I mean you need a regular routine that you stick to no matter what happens or how you feel. The biggest mistake the guys I coach make is that they do not stick to a consistent program. The world is constantly trying to kick you in the nuts, and it often succeeds, so you must perform constant maintenance on your emotions to keep them positive.
A good maintenance program requires 1) engaging in fun challenges where you obtain incremental wins, 2) a regular “clearing out” of your negative emotions, and 3) focusing on an ideal.
You must turn your entire life into a series of challenges, and break those larger challenges into smaller challenges where you gain incremental wins. “Become a billionaire” is not a good immediate challenge because it is too complicated and intimidating, but “start a good lifting routine” is a simple challenge that you can easily conquer, which will give you the confidence to move on to the next challenge. You should look at every category of your life as a challenge: I think of dressing, cleaning my room, and grocery shopping as a challenge, and I strive to be better at those things today than I was yesterday. Beware, however, of challenges that do not improve your life: worthless challenges like video games are fun because they are designed to take advantage of your challenge circuitry, but there is no actual payoff to winning.
The most important challenge you defeat is yourself and your own weaknesses. Once you’ve built a good life for yourself, then you can defeat challenges that will help your immediate friends and family, and as you build even more power you can defeat challenges that can help your broader community, country, or the even the world. But the core of your focus should be yourself – you cannot help others until you have your own life in order. And I am not just moralizing when I say you should help others – if you are any good at defeating challenges you will eventually get more resources than you can possibly use yourself, so you must channel those resources wisely. If you spend your resources trying to impress people, help people who don’t deserve it, or give it to women to get them to like you, you will just hurt yourself and them.
Disconnecting your “self” from your emotions can help you erase your negative emotions. When most people fail, their subconscious says “you failed so you must be beta and inferior. Bow down before those who are superior, faggot.” But your subconscious mind is lying. You are not inherently beta or alpha. You are a creature with an alpha mode and a beta mode that happens to be in beta mode because it took a loss, but can flip back into alpha mode after making some adjustments and getting some wins.
For #1, I suggest getting at least one creative hobby and one objective hobby. An objective hobby is one where there are objective standards of success, like lifting weights. Objective hobbies do not increase your creativity, and creative hobbies do not create discipline because there no objective standards for success, so you need both. Because humans are apes, and physicality is such an important part of being an alpha male, you must also perform regular bodily maintenance as part of #1: lifting weights is absolutely necessary, but I also highly recommend swimming, combat sports like Brazilian jiu-jitsu, running, eating well, etc…
For any hobby, you must set an iron routine you do not deviate from. If you find yourself “missing” sessions, you need to reset your routine or perhaps eliminate other distractions from our life. If you can’t enforce boundaries with yourself, how can you enforce boundaries with women?
For #2, you can “clear out” your negative emotions by spiritual practices, meditation, hanging out in nature, hanging out with positive people, silent contemplation, therapy, reading positive shit, or writing. Find what works for you, but do it regularly on a set routine. Psychedelics can help, but be careful: drugs simply wipe out your negative emotions without any effort on your part, and the effect is temporary, so relying on them is dangerous.
For #3, no matter who you are, you need to aim for something higher by focusing on an ideal. Alphas inspire betas to do better because, by conquering challenges and creating a new reality, they do things that were previously thought impossible. The archetypal alpha looks up to nobody, but you are not him so you need to kill your inner beta by learning about and emulating great men. Unless you are perfect, somebody out there is better than you at the things you strive to do, so you should learn from them. Finding role models is difficult because the modern world is insanely complicated so most great men fail massively in some parts of their lives. You must therefore learn from many men, and put together their lessons.
Fixating on an ideal also helps you hold frame because your thoughts and emotions are constantly “higher” than those around you. If the best rapper in Kalamazoo, Michigan insults Jay-Z, Jay-Z will not give a shit because he is focused on being the biggest rapper in the world, not the best rapper in Kalamazoo. Similarly, if you are a regular guy in Nowheresville, America, and some woman treats you like shit, you shouldn’t react like you were a regular guy in Nowheresville, America; you should react like you were Bill Gates, Jay-Z, Conor McGregor, and Ronald McDonald all wrapped up in one.
Your inner world
The most valuable thing a man has is his thoughts and emotions, and his most valuable leverage against anybody, including women, is his inner world. It is true that women are attracted to guys with lots of women, or tons of social proof, or awesome cars, etc…, but if you depend on anything external to yourself for your confidence you are not the alpha male. But if I can have fun by withdrawing into yourself, nobody can ever have any power over you, no woman can reject you, and nobody can make you feel inferior. I am a good looking, well dressed, reasonably successful guy, but when I approach a woman my primary confidence comes from my inner world, because I know that even if she deals me the harshest, most humiliating rejection ever, I can just retreat back into my thoughts and be having a great time again. In addition, women’s attraction to men if primarily mental, and with a deep inner world I can offer her a mind that is seemingly infinitely deep.
A deep inner world is also important to control your emotions. Animals cannot control their emotions because their minds are wired to react to whatever is in front of them at that moment. But humans can think abstractly, which means that if we are in an emotionally unpleasant situation, we can just think about something else and take our emotions out of that situation. For example, if a woman is yelling at you and trying to make you feel like shit, you can just imagine all the other woman you have so her yelling loses all emotional significance for you. And if you don’t have any other women, you can imagine you do. That’s the beauty of the human mind – we can delude/trick ourselves into feeling any emotion we want. In fact, the ability to think abstractly is what gives the alpha male the power to create his own reality.
You develop a deep inner world by putting yourself in challenge mode, and then carrying those thoughts and emotions with you everywhere. Your thoughts and emotions should always be on the challenges you are working on, the books you have read, the new ideas you are processing, the art you appreciate, ways you are improving yourself, your goals, etc… When she is around you, she must feel like she is competing for your attention with your thoughts and emotions, which are inherently more exciting and interesting than her (if they weren’t, she wouldn’t be interested in you), but you pay her attention out of grace because she has done things for you. When you are around impressive people, even in casual situations, you FEEL like their mind is on better, higher things, and they just chat about mundane stuff to be nice.
A deep inner world also requires a strong imagination. The power, abundance, and superiority requirements often require us to act like we have things that we do really do not, so we must fill in the gaps with our imagination. When you interact with a woman, you must literally feel and act as if you own the Playboy mansion and can fuck whoever you want whenever you want, so she better do something really fucking impressive to hold your attention. Of course, this will be very difficult if you have never even fucked a single attractive woman, let alone many, but you must have faith this technique works. If I am talking to an attractive woman, I might imagine that there is a better looking woman standing behind her and keeps beckoning to me, but I need to talk to the attractive woman because she is doing something for me and, as a fair alpha male, I must reward her.
Finally, as a last resort, you can use emotional anchors. When your emotions are truly being tested, most often by a woman, you can think about something that carries a lot of emotional weight for you, either good or bad (preferably good). That will wipe women from your thoughts and emotions. I have always found that I was more successful with women when something important was weighing on my mind.
Status and insecurity
I define insecurity as the fear that your flaws will cause the tribe to reject you. Everybody has flaws, but it is the fear of rejection that causes people to act desperately or irrationally to cover up their flaws. Insecurity is related to status: if you think you are on the verge of rejection, you desperately clamor for a higher status to get farther away from the bottom. On the flipside, insecurity causes people to not even attempt to contribute to the tribe because they feel it is hopeless. Insecurity also causes betas to attack and try to pull down other betas to salvage their position in the tribe.
The alpha can theoretically prevent insecurity among his betas by acting fairly, rewarding them for their contributions, and helping them improve when they fail. But most people in the modern world have grown up with cruel, arbitrary, unfair, selfish, and stupid alphas in their life, so there is an epidemic of chronic insecurity in the modern world, especially among women with respect to relationships. These damaged people think it is either useless to contribute to a relationship because they feel like they will get nothing out of it, or they see relationships as a zero sum game where each party tries to take advantage of the other. By holding frame and acting fairly you can theoretically “fix” some of these damaged folks, but for most damaged people it is too much work and not practically feasible.
The alpha, however, never feels insecure. He cannot be “rejected” from the tribe and status means nothing for him because HE determines everybody’s status. The alpha’s value is not based on some other ape’s judgment of him, but rather his own objective success at defeating challenges. The alpha’s value is not subjective because whether the tribe gets massacred by its enemies is an objective fact nobody can dispute. Even if all the betas abandon the alpha, he simply continues to defeat challenges by himself in the jungle, and if he is successful, the betas will eventually re-join him because, from an evolutionary perspective, they absolutely need to. For this reason, the alpha does not become mean, angry, or defensive when he is criticized: he only springs into action when there is a legitimate challenge or threat he must overcome for his own safety. Of course, in real life you may get ignored, asked to leave places, or “rejected” from things and people, but part of creating your own reality is keeping the same positive, calm, enthusiasm demeanor as if you were the archetypal alpha no matter what is actually happening to you.
This is an extremely important point. When holding frame you absolutely must never look like you are seeking her approval or acceptance. You should not be rude or shitty, but your primary goal should be your own fun, not convincing anybody else of your value. This is an extremely difficult transition for beginners, because most people are trained from an early age to please or try to impress people they like, and not doing so feels strange or mean to them. Not only does this mean no bragging, but I suggest an extreme humility: if she wants to know anything about your status, she needs to drag it out of you. And of course, your money is never her business.
Most importantly, you should never look like you are trying to hold frame. Ever. If she senses that you are “trying” to alter your natural behavior to make her like you, she will feel like you are trying to obtain her acceptance and you are emotionally invested in her, which means she is the alpha, not you. For the archetypal alpha, frame is an authentic expression of his single-minded determination to have fun and defeat challenges, not a set of artificial rules he is following.
Even when enforcing the harsher aspects of frame, like leaving a woman who is acting shitty, you must do so in a positive, cheerful way and not look butthurt, angry, or like you are “playing games.” She should feel like you are genuinely an easily distracted child, and if she is not entertaining you will find entertainment elsewhere. Think about a hot girl stumbling drunk in a club; every guy will try to catch her attention and “entertain” her but she will shift her attention from here to there based on whatever is most interesting at that moment. That’s how women should feel around you. If I am hanging out with a woman and she rudely ignores me to talk to another guy, I just leave. If she deserves it, I might say to her “hey sorry, I have to go meet my friends somewhere else!” If she follows me, I win, and if she doesn’t come, she never cared for me anyway. But yelling “fuck you, I have other women” doesn’t work: words do not affect emotions, only actions do.
The alpha male is a harsh character, so you must “hide” him from her conscious mind. Women consciously think they want never ending love, roses, and a “nice guy” so if her conscious mind realizes you will leave the second she stops being interesting she may decide to find a guy who is more reliable. Many women have been hurt by “alpha males” (meaning "he didn't commit after we fucked") so they purposely seek “beta” guys for long term commitment. You can, and should, appear to her conscious mind like a nice, cheerful, positive guy, while simultaneously fulfilling all the requirements of an alpha male so you can appeal to her subconscious mind as well. Frame subtly underlies your interactions, like background music in a movie that the characters do not discuss but sets the emotional tone and indicates “what is really happening” in the scene. From an outside observer, you should look a cheerful, fun guy having a great time, not a tough guy trying to look badass, an arrogant douchebag, or a flaky diva.
Of course, this whole article is about “trying” to hold frame. That’s fine – women are attracted to the archetypal alpha, and you are not that, so you do need to consciously alter your behavior to act alpha. The more you practice, however, the more natural it becomes, so you stop thinking about it.
Women and the alpha male
Women have two “selves”: a conscious self which is conditioned by society and often unique to her, and a subconscious self, created by evolution and common to all women, that desires the alpha male. You must appeal to both of these selves simultaneously. Consciously, most women want a “nice,” funny, intelligent, romantic, generous, sensitive guy with a sense of humor that shares their interests, cares about them, and “loves” them. Subconsciously, all women want an alpha male. As a smart redpiller said, “all women are the same, all women are different.”
Most women either do not know about this subconscious self or they purposely repress and “hide” it because the desire for the alpha male is embarrassing, degrading, or harmful, and because society teaches that a “good” girl would not act that way. For this reason, women project a demeanor that is the opposite of what they really feel: they often appear accommodating, caring, weak, and “soft,” which masks that their reptilian brain is ruthless, calculating, highly advanced, uncompromising, and heartless. Holding frame is difficult for men because they have no idea the subconscious self exists, that is, until the woman ghosts them or starts acting “weird.”
Because most men fail to understand the division between women’s conscious and subconscious selves, they either try too hard to be “alpha” and come off as a one-dimensional, uninteresting, asshole that doesn’t appeal to her conscious mind, or they think her outward self is all that exists, so they are tricked into acting like an emotional little bitch. Many men also meet nice, intelligent, interesting women and think “well, THIS woman is different,” not realizing that a women’s subconscious self is not “her.” All women have this reptilian brain, some women are just better at repressing, guiding, controlling, or understanding it.
A woman’s subconscious desire for the alpha male is blind emotion. It is a waste of time to get mad at it, argue with it, or try to reason with it. It is relentless, unyielding, unreasonable, and unmoored from reality. It can also be “tricked,” which is why a woman will reject an awesome guy who “feels” beta in favor of a loser who “feels” like an alpha male. The mixture of any particular woman’s subconscious and conscious desires is a complicated soup that no human being, not even her, can understand, so it is a waste of your time to try to why or what she is doing. All you can do is hold frame and if she does not clearly and strongly emotionally invest in you, move on. Rational words and nice favors can never defeat her subconscious emotions. The only thing that can defeat an emotion is a stronger emotion, and the alpha male can induce the strongest emotions.
To emotionally invest in a man, a woman must feel “accepted” first. Acceptance is often referred to as “comfort.” You being alpha does not mean shit to her unless she can join the tribe because otherwise, she is in the jungle by herself, prone to being eaten by lions. The phrase “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” is true because rejection is the most painful feeling a woman can experience, and once she feels rejected, she will never trust you again.
Most men have a vague sense that they need to “court” or “game” women first, but they do not understand how the mechanism of acceptance works so they end up doing a bunch of beta shit, like buying her things or paying her too much attention. Acceptance, however, is more of an emotion than a rational state of affairs, and all you need to do to make a woman feel accepted is to show genuine joy and interest at her when she does something to deserve it. A genuine laugh, a grateful “thank you,” or genuine interest in her story turn women on like nothing else because they communicate, on an primal, evolutionary level, “you have contributed to the alpha male’s tribe, and he is pleased.” Acceptance is her prize in the alpha male quid pro quo, but you do not need to give her the prize until she deserves it and in fact, giving her the prize too early will make her think you are not the alpha.
If, however, she feels like you are unfairly withholding the rewards she deserves under the alpha male quid pro quo, she will feel rejected and angry, and her conscious mind will get involved. The whole challenge of “game” is to make sure she feels accepted, reward her for her good deeds, and keep her conscious mind at ease, all while hiding the fact that you are holding frame. Ensuring she feels like accepted while still maintaining the alpha male quid pro quo requires emotional intelligence, creativity, and confidence. What you need to do depends on what she has done for you, what you have done for her, the situation, etc… For example, if I approach a woman at a bar and I talk to her for 5 minutes, and then get bored and leave, she will feel like I rejected her. But if a woman deeply emotionally invests in me and we regularly have sex, then I can ignore her for months and she will come right back when I call her. If a woman says “why don’t you text me more” I don’t say “per the alpha male quid pro quo, I can only text you when you text me first” but I will instead say “I really don’t like texting” or “I am super busy during the day.”
You should never explicitly “reject” a woman you are interested in unless she is truly harmful and dangerous. If she behaves badly, just “lose interest” and ignore her. Apathy is a more severe and effective type of punishment than anger, and also does not carry the emotional baggage of rejection. Betas are attracted to apathy because it implies the possibility acceptance. If the alpha does not have any feelings towards you, positive or negative, you still have an opportunity to prove yourself. If the alpha, however, has negative feelings towards you, you will feel rejected.
Women will often shit test you by accusing you of rejecting them or dragging you into deep, emotional fights about the relationship. Whatever you do, you must reject any emotional argument: she wants to see stoicism and apathy from you. If you did her wrong, apologize once, and otherwise clearly explain to her once why her concerns are unfounded. Do not grovel and bow to her demands. Nor should you act like a tough guy and be mean. Rather, you should be positive and happy, limit the conversation, and subconsciously reinforce that your attention is based on her behavior and she has not done enough to merit your attention. Her: “Why have you been ignoring me?” Me: “Katie!! Great to hear from you. I haven’t been ignoring you, I’ve just been busy, we’ll hang out soon though, I promise.” If she cannot sense any negative emotion in you, she will not be able to feel rejected.
The optimum state for a man is what I call “challenge mode”: it is when your thoughts and emotions are focused on defeating fun challenges exactly on the edge of order and chaos. “Fun” and “challenge mode” are synonyms: we only really enjoy anything when there is some challenge involved. I can put you on a beach with infinite margaritas and Playboy models, but if there are no challenges you would get bored within a few hours. Art, comedy, movies, relationships, sports, and intellectual pursuits are enjoyable because they challenge our thoughts and emotions. Scientists have shown that music appeals to us because our brain is trying to find some kind of “pattern” in the sounds, and it feels like good when that pattern is confirmed. A similar mechanism drives gambling addiction: our brain is subconsciously trying to find some “pattern” in the game, which is stupid because there is no pattern.
Challenge mode is life’s greatest pleasure because it includes all of life other’s pleasures within it: the desire for power, the desire for knowledge, the desire for honor, etc… Challenge mode even contains within it the pleasure of helping people, because by defeating challenges we are making the world a better place and accumulating more resources to distribute to those who deserve it. Friendships and relationships are even related to challenge mode, because a healthy relationship is one where you challenge each other to become better. Even simple pleasures like shitting, eating, and sleeping are enjoyable because they help us in our quest to defeat challenges, and all those things are more pleasurable after we have been busting our ass defeating challenges. This isn’t abstract philosophizing; our brains are wired to seek and defeat challenges, because that is how we survive in the jungle.
Not only is challenge mode the most fun a person can have, it is a complete and all-encompassing fun, and therefore occupies all of our thoughts and emotions. In challenge mode we can ignore everything else, including what people think of us, women, sex, and even bodily needs like food and showering. All other pleasures are secondary and are there only to help challenge mode. A person in challenge mode is relentless, determined, energetic, enthusiastic, and focused. He is also transcendent because he is pushing the boundaries of the current reality and creating a new reality.
A man in challenge mode is superior to others because, regardless of his actual success, he is doing the most fun thing a human being can do. Humans have a bizarre ability to “sense” challenge mode in others, and when we see somebody single mindedly fixated on a challenge a small part of us subconsciously feels jealous because our subconscious mind “knows” they are superior to us, at least in that moment. “Haters” are basically miserable people who try to knock you out of challenge mode so they no longer feel inferior to you. But if you hold frame and continue to remain in challenge mode, the subconscious of the hater cannot help but accept you as their alpha male. Women will bombard you with the most massive shit tests ever and then suddenly become attracted to you when you show that you are truly, honestly, having more fun than them.
An archetypal alpha radiates positivity in everything he does because, not only is he having fun, he is improving himself and helping the rest of the world at the same time. Positive emotion is not the RESULT of defeating challenges, but rather the feeling you get WHEN you confront a challenge you think you will defeat. Our brains give us a dopamine rush not just to reward us after we win something, but as motivation to go for the win. One way to think of confidence is “the positive emotion you express when you think you will defeat the challenge you are confronting.” For example, if a man has had success approaching women in the past, he will feel (and therefore express) positive emotion when approaching a woman because he subconsciously thinks the approach will work. If a man has not had success however, he will feel and act awkward, anxious and timid, because his subconscious mind sees no possibility of success and focuses only on the downside (rejection). This is why athletes practice visualization – if they imagine knocking out their opponent enough, when they are actually confront their opponent their subconscious mind will think that they can do it, so they will punch with more energy, confidence, and positive emotion and be more likely to knock out their opponent.
The archetypal alpha does not defeat SOME challenges but rather ALL challenges. Women are not attracted to a man who is only good at defeating a single, narrow type of challenge (i.e., video games) because, in the jungle, if that guy encounters some other kind of challenge he is fucked. Not only should you view every aspect of your life as a challenge to be conquered, you should also be infinitely curious and aware of yourself and your surroundings. Women are attracted to men who are curious on a deep, evolutionary level because it subconsciously communicates that the man is diligently scanning the environment for all threats and will not be caught off guard when the bad guys attack. In essence, the difference between the alpha and the beta is that the alpha views the unknown with curiosity, whereas the beta views the unknown with fear. For the same reason, women notice men who put effort into the “little things” about their appearance and life. This is also why you must draw boundaries with respect to every aspect of your life: if she is trying to negatively affect your sleeping, eating, career, intellectual pursuits, friendships, etc…, you must say “no.”
As a practical matter, you cannot spend your entire life in challenge mode. In real life, sometimes you must defeat challenges that do not lie precisely at the border of order and chaos and require long stretches of tedious, boring, stressful, difficult work that pays off only in the long run. Ideally, your work puts you in challenge mode as much as possible, but you can't get addicted to challenge mode and neglect other important shit that needs to get done. The real world doesn't give a fuck if you are having fun or not, it is just easier to succeed if you are.
Women are obviously attracted to tall, attractive, rich guys, but they are mostly attracted to the FEELING of a man in challenge mode, especially if she finds his challenges fun, impressive, and important. Women want the “fun” of defeating challenges without actually facing chaos, making difficult decisions, or taking responsibility, because those things cripple them with anxiety. Betas evolved to want to “help” the alpha and contribute to the tribe’s success, but they cannot confront chaos directly themselves because they feel paralyzed with fear. For example, if a woman’s passion is electronic music, nothing is more attractive to her than a man who is slowly moving up the ranks as an electronic music DJ because he is living a dream that she is too paralyzed by fear to pursue. However, the woman who is passionate about electronic music at age 25 will probably be reduced to being passionate about paying her bills at age 35, so her ideal man will change as well.
Women are attracted to transcendence: they want the feeling of constantly entering new realities they previously did not have access to. Our emotions require novelty and a challenge, so no matter how rich or attractive you are, she will get bored if you are static. Women can maintain existing order by themselves; what they need an alpha male for is venturing into chaos and creating new order out of that chaos. Being around an alpha male is like a religious experience for women because he offers them a portal to infinity; but when he leaves challenge mode the magic disappears and he goes back to a regular guy in the material world with his regular limitations.
As the leader, it is the man’s job to find and create challenges for you and her to conquer together. Dates should be adventures when you and her go to a cool, unique place and challenge her, yourself, and even third parties you run across. Your conversations should be interesting, challenging, difficult, stimulating, and crazy. And most importantly, you should be having fun – you are not creating challenges to put on a show for her, but so you can have fun yourself. At the same time, the conversation should be fun for her too and touches all of her emotions. Nuclear physics is challenging, but even nuclear physicists want to talk about silly, lighthearted things when having fun. Here is a good rule of thumb for conversations: think about if a neutral third party that was not attracted to either of you was watching the conversation: would that person think “those two are having a fun, challenging conversation” or would they think “that is a needy guy trying to make the girl like him”? If the answer is the second, you lose.
Because our greatest challenge is ourselves, conversations should be about challenges that are relevant to her life and yours. But because the alpha male is not needy, he can listen carefully to each word she says and figure out exactly what she means, what she cares about, what her fears are, what she wants a man to say to her, what offends her, how she feels, and what her challenges are. If you can get her talking about a challenge that is deep and important to her, the more emotionally invested she will become in the conversation (and you), and the more interesting the conversation will be for you. For example, if she is a college athlete, I will try to get her to talk about some big game or obstacle she had to overcome. I know that sounds corny and cliché, but her challenges are a lot more interesting to me than anything else she could talk about. Even her interests are only interesting to me insofar as they are related to some type of challenge we can discuss.
You should also “find her value,” which means you should subtly lead the conversation to find the thing she is good at, the thing that makes her special, and what she can contribute. For example, if I find out she is interested in talking about cooking, I get her to teach me a recipe, and I graciously thank her. She may not even consciously realize she is “doing something” for me, but her mind will simultaneously subconsciously emotionally invest in me and feel special. Because this type of “deep listening” is extremely valuable and rare, I am stingy with it. She needs to contribute first. You often hear “don’t be a woman’s emotional tampon.” I actually think it is fine to do some emotional tamponing, and it is necessary in a long term relationship, but she has to put some fucking work in first. If she tells you that her grandmother died, you can be sympathetic and comfort her if you have been dating her for a while, but if you just met her and she tells you that her grandmother died, you should just say “I am very sorry to hear that” and change the subject because she has not yet done enough to deserve you comforting her.
Like everything in game, you should start with small challenges and get bigger as she emotionally invests. First, you tease her and challenge something stupid she says or does. After she gets more emotionally invested, you can talk about challenging topics like politics, religion, social issues, etc… Once you form a long term relationship with a woman, you can tackle life challenges together – with her as your helper.
Challenges are most fun when they are right on the border between chaos and order. If you challenge her too much (too much chaos), she will think you are a jerk or a weirdo. You can’t walk up to a woman in a bar and tell her she’s fat or ask her to solve a math problem. If you do not challenge her enough (too much order) you will bore her. Your best guide to creating challenges is yourself: do you find something challenging and interesting? She may too. But if she does not, find something else.
Most men fail at keeping challenge mode around women. Even guys with amazing lives that have defeated incredible challenges often throw away everything that is attractive and interesting about themselves by immediately focusing their thoughts and emotions on the woman. They let her lead the conversation, which leads to talking about some boring bullshit, which leads to her losing attraction. Women don’t want to lead the conversation – they want you to find a challenging topic and then let her talk about it. As the man, it is your responsibility to make the conversation fun.
When I was younger, I used to think that women were uninterested in doing anything, talking about anything interesting, having big thoughts, etc… But now I realize that women have the same motivation, curiosity, and drive that men do – the difference is that women evolved to defeat challenges as the alpha male’s junior partner. I also disagree with people who say that women are uninteresting and have nothing to offer. Every human being making their way through this crazy world, whether they are a heroin addict or a Fortune 500 CEO, has something interesting about them or some challenge they are facing or have overcome you can learn from. When guys say “hot women never have anything interesting or intelligent to say” what they really mean is “I can’t relate to a hot woman’s challenges because they are different than mine.” Beautiful woman have tons of challenges – other women hate them, every man they know, including their bosses, family members, and “friends,” is trying to fuck them, every compliment they get is a lie, nobody takes them seriously, they are tormented by insecurity, etc… If you can get her talking about these challenges, you will learn about a life you will probably never experience and she will become attracted to you.
Most women have no idea they are attracted to challenge mode. Nevertheless, their minds subconsciously interpret every characteristic of a man with respect to defeating challenges. For example, women are turned off by guys that dress terribly not just because they look bad, but also subconsciously because those guys failed at one of the fundamental challenges of life: presenting a nice appearance. When they see a guy that is better dressed than their man, they subconsciously feel that the other guy defeated their man in the gladiatorial arena of dressing well. One small fault is not enough to sink you, but enough of those and she will lose attraction. One of the most attractive things to a woman is a man who is better than her at everything in her life she values, because that means that guy faced all the same challenges she did, but did a better job of defeating them.
Of course, women do not only want a man in challenge mode. They also want to be powerful, rich, superior, and in charge – the traits of the alpha male. But these things are empty and boring without also feeling challenge mode. And women do not want these things on their own; they want them vicariously through an alpha male.
The alpha male and resources
The distribution of resources determines the dominance hierarchy because, at the end of the day, all anybody wants is resources, and power is just a mechanism to get resources. For apes, resources are mostly food and women, but for humans “resources” can be anything that we need, want, or that matters: money, love, power, fun, good relationships, a good personality, intellectual stimulation, a comfortable chair, time, attention, etc… The archetypal alpha male controls ALL the resources in the tribe, even the women. He eats his fill and distributes the leftovers to the betas, but only to the betas that have already contributed to the tribe. A beta who has not given anything to the alpha male does not exist to him.
The rule for distributing resources is what I call the alpha male quid pro quo, which is that the alpha male only distributes resources to betas who have done something for him first.
This rule applies to any resource you can possibly conceive, including your attention, time, compliments, and mental energy. The alpha male quid pro quo applies in every situation, with every woman, no matter how hot or important she is, and throughout the whole relationship, no matter how long you have known her. It applies in real life, over text, in dating apps, and across every category of your relationship. It is THE most important rule for holding frame – if I had to simplify “dealing with woman” into one sentence it would be “do less for her than she does for you in every category of your relationship, including paying her attention.”
Because the alpha male owns all the resources he wants nothing from anybody. The betas, on the other hand, want things from the alpha, so they give things to the alpha male first, hoping that in return the alpha will accept them into the tribe, protect them, provide for them, and allow them to vicariously defeat challenges through him. The alpha doesn’t need anything the betas give him, but the alpha nevertheless demands loyalty before he provides anything, including acceptance into the tribe.
The alpha male quid pro quo is so deeply wired into our neurocircuitry that it serves as the psychological foundation for many religions: worshippers bring sacrifices to God, and if God is pleased he gives them protection, acceptance, and resources. This circuit is so powerful that the mere act of bringing sacrifices for God makes people feel like something good will happen, even though God has never directed responded to anybody’s sacrifice and may not even be real. On a more practical level, human beings WANT TO HELP – they just need to make sure the cause they are helping is worthwhile first (i.e., the alpha).
This circuitry is also related to loyalty. The alpha cannot risk strangers joining the tribe because one of them might stab the alpha in the back, so betas must be “initiated” by doing something for the tribe first. The betas’ initiation is a contribution and causes the beta to emotionally invest in the tribe. If you do something for somebody, you are wired to want to stick around to see a return on your investment. And the more you do for the alpha, the more you get accepted, and the more you get invested. You see this everywhere in the human world: gangs, corrupt governments, and even fraternities require some kind of “initiation” before you can enjoy the benefits of membership. You can’t just drive up and join the Crip gang in LA or a Mafia crime family because there is a chance that you might secretly be a Blood or a member of a rival family – you must first murder somebody on behalf of the gang to show you are loyal. As you will see later, this loyalty circuitry explains why women want to feel special before they have sex with you.
Men on the manosphere sometimes argue in percentages about how much women must contribute in a relationship. A “square” might say 50/50, whereas a manosphere guy might say 66/34 or even 95/5. The answer, evolutionary speaking, is that the woman must contribute 100% to the relationship and the alpha 0% because what the alpha male contributes is fundamentally different than what the betas contribute. The alpha male provides acceptance into the tribe and a portal into defeating challenges, the most valuable resource of all, and a resource only the alpha can provide. The bigger and better challenges the alpha defeats, the more valuable his contribution is. In other words, all you need to provide a woman is your presence and acceptance into your awesome life for her to be happy. Not only does she not want or need little “favors” from you, like money and stuff, but giving her too many favors would violate the alpha male quid pro quo because you are already giving her so much.
Of course, as a practical matter you must sometimes give the woman favors. If she buys us a round of drinks, and I don’t offer to buy the next round, her subconscious may think I am “alpha” but her conscious mind will think I am a selfish asshole. Similarly, “accepting” her requires me to do things for her, like answer her texts, invite her to things, etc… The 100/0 balance is an emotional ideal, not a practical reality. Nevertheless, the total sum of what you do for her must be much less than what she does for you.
Because “want” is a fundamentally beta emotion, women evolved an incredibly sensitive subconsciously ability to sense it. When you act wanty, neither of you may even consciously realize it, but her subconscious mind will register you as a beta and she will lose attraction. For example, if you tell a woman a boring story she doesn’t care about, neither you nor her will think “this guy is needy” but her subconscious will sense that you WANT her to listen to your stupid story, and probably cannot find anybody else to do so.
Similarly, if you brag, validate yourself to her, supplicate to her, apologize for something you did that wasn’t wrong, beg, ask her too many probing questions, follow her around, tell her what to do with her life, put up with bad behavior from her, get mad at her when she doesn’t do what you want her to do, or take too much of her time and attention, you are subconsciously communicating want. Body language can also indicate wanting - standing too close, staring too long or looking at her needingly, being too enthusiastic to see her, anxiously waiting for her, and having a sad or deflated posture can give away that you do not have abundance.
Even talking too much shows want. Women generally don’t give a fuck about what you have to say unless she has emotionally invested in the topic first. When you talk too much, you are probably bragging, validating yourself to her, or talking about stuff you find interesting but she doesn’t give a fuck about. Even if you did have something valuable to say, you should not say it until she does something to deserve it.
The archetypal alpha is charming and pleasing in social situations because he wants nothing. He doesn’t talk too much, stand too close, complain, bring his own problems or insecurities into the interaction, talk about shit nobody gives a fuck about, tell people how to live their lives, make jokes only he thinks is funny, ask too many personal questions, give unsolicited advice, push his opinions on people, insult people for his own pleasure, etc… The archetypal alpha is just there to be provide a service to others. But simultaneously, and somewhat paradoxically, to hold his attention you must do something to deserve it first.
Violating the alpha male quid pro quo also shows wantiness because, by doing things for her first or doing more things than she deserves, you are subconsciously communicating that you are the beta bringing HER sacrifices in exchange for her approval. Our minds are wired to equate undeserved favors with wantiness. For example, if you take a woman to dinner before she does anything for you she subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, knows you only did that to get something in return. Even if you consciously think “I took her to dinner only because I am a nice guy” both your emotions and her emotions will think “he did something for her first, so he is the beta.” Even if she asks you for a favor and you do it, you are still the wanter because she knows why you bowed to her request. Women are subconsciously repelled by “nice” guys because women feel they are wanters and when a nice guy does something for a woman, she subconsciously knows he wants something in return and she has a debt to repay, so she runs away as soon as she can.
Most guys do not even realize how their demeanor, body language, and tone of voice changes when they are being wanty and trying to "game" women. Many men literally and talk feminine when interacting with women because they are subconsciously assuming the “beta” position. Try this: go out tonight and and tell women they look hot but instead of talking to them like they were a woman, talk to them like you were telling one of your bros you saw a hot bitch.
Both men and women subconsciously keep a ledger of everything they have done for each other, and if the man has done more for the woman, both parties’ subconscious minds synchronously categorize him as the beta. Once the man violates the alpha male quid pro quo, he will “feel” beta vis-à-vis a woman in a relationship, causing his emotions will push him to act even more beta, creating a vicious cycle. It is very difficult to break out of this cycle which is why, if you fuck up with a woman, it is often better to just move on. It is much harder to hold frame around somebody when both of your subconcious minds have categorized you as the beta. All men have women in our lives that we feel “beta” to, and others we feel “alpha” to, and in both cases that feeling is based on what you have done for her and what she has done for you.
The wanter in the relationship can, however, shift, especially early in the interaction before the neural pathways have solidified. For example, if I approach a woman and ask right away “come with me to another bar” I feel wanty because I am asking her for something. But if we talk for a while and she becomes emotionally invested enough to follow me around, SHE becomes the wanter. Once she is emotionally invested enough, if I say “want to go to another bar with me?” it sounds like I am asking for something and wanting, but the subconscious communication is “you clearly want to hang out with me more than I want you, but I am nevertheless allowing you to come with me to the next bar.” The words you say are less important than the emotion conveyed, so even when you ask her to do something, it should not FEEL like you are asking, but that you are doing her a favor.
It may sound like I am telling you to be a paranoid nerd that counts every little thing either party has done in a relationship, but in practice after women emotionally invest in you they will do a lot of stuff for you, giving you a nice cushion so you will not need to watch your every move as closely. Many guys have trouble gaming immediately after they exit a relationship because they are used to the woman being emotionally invested in them and doing things for them, so they are not strict with enforcing the alpha male quid pro quo.
“Maybe” is an extremely important concept in the alpha male quid pro quo – she should always think and feel that her future with you is dependent on whether she contributes or not. If she knows you are completely committed to the relationship, and will stay no matter what, she will lose attraction because you are promising to violate the alpha male quid pro quo by doing things for her even if she stops doing things for you. Even if you don’t use the word “maybe” she should feel “maybe” at every step of the relationship. If she asks for long-term commitment the answer is “I don’t know! Things are going fine, but you might screw it up” (obviously put that in your own words appropriate for the situation). That sounds “mean” to the conscious mind, but it is exactly what her subconscious wants to hear. I often start a date by saying “I have a big day tomorrow, so I might have to go to bed early” to let her know she has to prove yourself to keep me out. If we start having fun, she will forget I was supposed to go home early.
Some guys say that women want “unpredictability” or an “emotional rollercoaster.” These terms are misunderstood: it is not your job to entertain her or artificially create drama. Women just want maybe. Maybe drives women crazy because it turns her future with you (and her future in general) into the primordial chaos that she fears most, but with a path to safety – in other words, you become the ultimate challenge that she can never completely conquer. An insecure or damaged woman may reject your deal and run to a guy who will give her an unconditional beta commitment, but if you fairly reward most women for their contributions, their subconscious will strongly want to stay with you. Even if you move in with a woman or have a long term relationship, she needs to understand that you will leave when she stops contributing.
The most important resources you have are your thoughts and emotions and your attention.
A man’s attention is valuable because it is her portal to vicariously experiencing his thoughts and emotions. When a man pays a woman attention she can see how he reacts to challenges, especially the ones she creates for him. A woman can admire a man defeating challenges from affair, like at a rock concert or basketball game, but it is much more impressive and emotionally satisfying when she can run her own challenges through his thoughts and emotions. Most men are paper tigers – they can look cool and tough in one setting, but melt in a different situation. If you can hold frame through a variety of settings she knows you are the real deal.
A man’s attention is also how he accepts the woman. Women need to monitor the alpha’s approval to determine if they are still allowed in the tribe, so if the man is on stage or on the basketball court he is “interesting” to her but she will not form an emotional connection until he shows pleasure at things she has done for him.
Per the alpha male quid pro quo, you should only pay a woman when she does something meaningful for you. Your “attention” will ideally be approval and joy because if she does something shitty you don’t get mad, you just withdraw your attention. She can buy you things, do you favors, help you with things, or just be socially enjoyable by being funny, interesting, kind, helpful, positive, inspiring, smart, and even challenging (remember, the alpha male likes challenges). If she is boring, stupid, mean, unenthusiastic, negative, annoying, or not fun, or if she ignores you, you must withdraw your attention. Even if you just want pussy and don’t care if she is smart or interesting, you must raise your standards because women subconsciously sense when they are contributing to you or not. If she is being shitty and you pretend to have fun, you look like a wanty beta.
Modulating your attention pursuant to the alpha male quid pro quo is an art that requires emotional intelligence. Even if she does something to deserve your attention, if you give her too much attention you violate the alpha male quid pro quo and look like a beta. For example, if a random woman walks by and compliments my shirt, I will say “thank you” and ask her name, but if she does nothing else and I give her 10 minutes of attention, I look like a wanter. You must monitor every aspect of the interaction: if she says something valuable or interesting, I show enthusiasm. If she becomes stupid or mean or loses enthusiasm, I withdraw my enthusiasm as well. Just to be safe, I always make sure I have less enthusiasm than her.
If she ignores you or does something really rude, leave. Leaving is an extremely important aspect of the alpha male quid pro quo because, even though it feels extremely cold hearted, mean, or foolish to leave, it is an iron fact of evolution that the alpha male withdraws his attention if the beta is not doing anything to keep it. In fact, the alpha male MUST withdraw his attention because he must keep his thoughts and emotions focused on defeating challenges. Betas are amazed by an alpha male who can leave because, being dependent on the tribe, betas can never leave. Again, leaving requires emotional intelligence. If I have been hanging out with a woman all night and she has done a bunch of stuff for me throughout the night, and she stops to talk to her friend for 10 minutes, it would violate the alpha male quid pro quo for me to leave. I would look like a selfish, petulant child and worse, I would look controlling, as if I wanted to keep her from her friends. But if I have been talking to a woman for 5 minutes and she turns to talk to her friend for 10 minutes, I must leave or I look wanty.
Developing the emotional intelligence to enforce the alpha male quid pro quo will take some time, but fortunately evolution has provided you with some tools. First, humans have an innate sense of “fairness” so we can sense when one party is not upholding their end of the bargain. And as we stated earlier, men only owe women an entry into their awesome life if the woman does something meaningful to deserve it. Most men, however, do too much because they are “in love” or desperately want to get laid, but if you can control those desires you will very clearly be able to tell when she is acting unfairly. Second, as I stated earlier, fun is an objective state that she can sense so if her actions are cramping your fun, you leave. Our subconscious minds have a weird ability to calculate how much value she is providing, so even if you try to trick yourself into thinking that you are having fun, if she is not providing value her subconscious mind will still know you are being beta. Sometimes when guys are lured into being text buddies with a woman, they lie to themselves and say “but I like texting all day.” No they fucking don’t. If they had their way, they would not text all day, but they do it because they want her to like them – that’s wantiness.
Modulating your attention under the alpha male quid pro quo gives you an incredible amount of power in the interaction because when you withdraw your attention, thoughts and emotions from somebody they have absolutely no power over you whatsoever unless they physically attack you. Furthermore, no woman can ever feel you are being creepy or overbearing ever again because you are literally paying her less attention than she is paying you. Even if she tries to pretend like you are creepy or want her, both your subconscious mind and her subconscious mind know what is really going on. Modulating your attention also gives you power because you are a drug dealer dispensing what she truly wants, which is 1) the ability to contribute to the alpha male and 2) the challenge of fighting for your attention.If a woman finds you attractive and/or interesting, she will WANT to do something.
Enforcing the alpha male quid pro quo with respect to attention requires you to act almost bipolar. When you approach a woman you must do so with extreme enthusiasm, extreme recklessness, and a complete lack of regard for any negative consequences, and when she has done something to deserve it, you must project positivity, warmth, genuine joy, and genuine interest (part of being alpha is not being afraid to smile and tell a woman you like her). But the moment she stops deserving your attention you must withdraw it as if she never existed. Executing this duality requires a masterful command of your emotions and the ability to be “smooth” so she doesn’t understand that your actions are calculated. It will feel extremely strange and counterintuitive at first. Your goal is to get her to think “this guy can make me feel better than anybody else, but I must act right.”
For example, if I am out at a bar, I approach a woman with warmth and enthusiasm, but the moment she turns to talk to somebody else and I sense she is acting rudely, I leave. I may come back and re-engage with her later, but for that moment, I get distracted by something else. This principle maintains throughout the entire length of the relationship: no matter how awesome a date is going, if she starts ignoring you or being shitty you must disappear. Lingering for even a single extra second shows wantiness. Even if she is my girlfriend, if she withdraws her attention I immediately go do something else to amuse myself.
There are two important exceptions to the alpha male quid pro quo: First, even if she is totally into you, you must occasionally withdraw your attention to a small degree anyway. This is called “push pull” and is necessary because you must show that, even though she has been doing a good job so far, you can and will leave if you are not having fun. Most guys do not ever effectively communicate that they will leave if she does not act right, causing the woman to see them as beta or worse, a creepy stalker. Withdrawing your attention randomly also keeps her guessing and ensures that the ledger is in your favor. Again, you must use your emotional intelligence to make sure she does not feel rejected.
Second, you should never give her anything, including attention, because of sex. Sex is not something she “gives” you, but rather something you enjoy together, so any payment in addition to your dick is overpayment and violates the alpha male quid pro quo. Women know, consciously and subconsciously, that they can control men by even just teasing them with sexuality, but the archetypal alpha does not want sex because he already has as much of it as he needs.
In addition to your attention, your other important resource is your thoughts and emotions. You must focus them on challenges and not let them become sullied with petty drama, negative emotions, boring shit, etc… But most importantly, you cannot devote your thoughts and emotions to HER. She wants to fixate her thoughts and emotions on you because your thoughts and emotions are fixated on challenge mode, if your thoughts and emotions were fixated on her, she is just fixating back on herself, wasting her time.
Men, especially the alpha male, have a natural desire to protect and provide for women, but you must only indulge this desire if and when she does something meaningful to deserve it because otherwise, she will not see you as the alpha male “providing” for her but rather a beta male seeking her validation. The same exact action will be processed differently by our emotions depending on where we see the other party in the dominance hierarchy.
When I say that men should not devote their thoughts and emotions to women, people say things like “that’s unhealthy” or “who hurt you?” But I am not saying that you should never feel emotion towards women at all. You can, and must, be compassionate, empathetic, joyful, and interested towards them when they deserve it. You should also be happy and appreciative when women do things for you. In my life I have had women who have done genuinely kind and helpful things for me, shit that has made me a better person, and the joy and appreciation I feel for those women is infinitely more beautiful, pure, and positive than the beta feelings I had for women that treated me like shit.
Another reason to deny women your thoughts and emotions is that they would rather be liked for something they did rather than for just being hot. In addition, nobody wants to be liked by other people’s emotions, we want to be liked by their rational brain because our rational mind is more intelligent and reliable than the unstable and irrational emotional brain. Every man here has been irrationally obsessed with a woman at some point and it is not a pleasant experience – even if you are still with her, you constantly feel inferiority, manic cycles of euphoria and depression, and anxiety that she will leave and find somebody else. When a woman, however, sees you as the alpha male and does things for you, you feel calm, happy, and confident she actually likes you. The pathetic, obsessive love portrayed in pop culture is NOT a good thing.
Enforcing the alpha male quid pro quo is difficult for beginners. Men get emotional, wanty, horny, lonely, desperate, and sometimes just overly altruistic. Society also teaches women that they should demand favors from men FIRST, so women literally demand things that will cause them to lose attraction to men. Men lose women’s shit tests because they do not realize how powerful women’s subconscious emotions are, and women’s biological need to shit test men.
I don’t want to paint too rosy of a picture here. Many women, especially modern ones, are damaged, greedy, hate men, or addicted to something. These problems prevent these women from doing things for men, which means that these women will never find or keep an alpha male. But that is their problem, not yours. You must still hold frame.
Women are so attracted to men defeating challenges that they will create challenges just to watch you overcome them (or more accurately, vicariously overcome them through you). When women challenge you, they want to lose because if they lose, that means they are in the presence of a powerful alpha, whereas if they win, they are alone in the jungle with a weak bitch. Women subconsciously want to build a scarecrow to watch you drive an eighteen-wheeler through it. The feeling you get when you watch John Wick or Rambo kill hundreds of enemies while dodging bullets is the feeling women get when they launch a bitchy comment at a man and he doesn’t even flinch.
Any challenge by a woman is a shit test. A shit test can be spontaneous or premeditated, intentional or unintentional, serious or joking, sincere or disingenuous, conscious or subconscious, a real problem or irrational worrying. It can take the form of criticism, an insult, a mean joke, an honest question, an expression of anxiety or fear, a request for resources, a story from her life, a withdrawal of attention, talking to another guy, a challenge to your leadership, or basically anything. Women are biologically wired to shit test you and every other man around them in every imaginable way to subconsciously determine if they are the alpha male. Even looking “bitchy” is a shit test she projects to the entire world. The shit tests only lessen when she accepts you as an alpha male, but even then she will occasionally launch one to make sure you are still a bad motherfucker.
A woman’s favorite challenge to watch you overcome is HER and her challenges. Her challenges torment her with anxiety, but she can feel better about them by presenting those challenges to you and vicariously confronting those challenges through your emotions. Women naturally feel higher levels of anxiety, fear, scarcity, powerlessness, and inferiority than men, and those feelings cripple her from living the life she wants to live. But an alpha male does not have those emotions, so she can use his feelings to vicariously face her own problems. She does not want him to solve her problems, she just wants to feel better about them.
The two most important concepts to understand for responding to shit tests are 1) you must be having fun and 2) responding to shit tests is a service you are doing for her, so you should not respond if she has nothing to deserve it. For the love of Christ, the right response to a shit test is not always a witty comeback. If are having fun with a woman and she makes fun of your sweater in a funny way, you can respond with a witty comeback, but if she is being annoying, rude, or consciously and purposely shitty you should just ignore her and/or leave if necessary. Trying to entertain a woman who is treating you like shit is beta behavior. Sometimes in group social settings, really hot women immediately start the interaction by being an asshole. In those cases, I act like they don’t even exist and I cannot even hear them. After enough of this treatment, they magically and mysteriously start being nice.
Of course, you must use your emotional intelligence to determine whether a woman deserves a response to her shit tests. Sometimes when a woman says horrible things to you, she legitimately does not like you and is consciously trying to hurt you, but sometimes when a woman says horrible things she is projecting the most negative side of her personality to you in hopes that you can remain unfazed. If she throws the most evil, horrible part of her soul that torments her at you, and you brush it off like it is nothing, you are God to her. As I stated earlier, sometimes her conscious mind is so stacked against you it is not worth trying to melt it. You must use your emotional intelligence to determine if this is the case, most often by looking at the things she has done for you in the past and the other signals she is sending you.
For me personally, if a woman says something truly fucked up (for example, she insults my family), I know that’s a conscious decision she made, so I will not pretend to brush it off like a weak dork – I will say “get the fuck out of my house right now” and mean it. Now, I happen to think I can melt almost any crazy bitch, but why would I waste my time doing that when I have nice girls that enjoy licking my balls? Furthermore, some women are so damaged and evil that they will find a way to bring negativity into your life no matter how well you hold frame.
Every woman is different and every woman will shit test you differently, so your responses must be flexible and based on these foundational truths. Your response depends on the aspect of your alphaness she is challenging. If she directly attacks you and challenges your power, smile and laugh because not only can she not defeat you, her attack doesn’t even perturb you, like throwing a dart at a tank. If she is trying to drain your abundance and make you violate the alpha male quid pro quo, simply say no, but also smile and laugh so she does not feel rejected. If she challenges your leadership by taking the lead, don’t make a conscious attempt to follow her or not follow her; just do what you want to do – that way she will not feel like she has any power over you, negative or positive. And if she challenges your superiority by putting herself first, you just put yourself first and ignore what she is doing. Depending on the shit test and the situation, you can laugh, agree and amplify, act like what she said was a compliment, do a little dance, give her a dirty look, give her a funny look, leave, etc…
A great response to some shit tests is “agree and amplify” because it subconsciously says “not only does the challenge you posed not affect me, but I can defeat a challenge 100 times as powerful.” It also rejects the logical frame her question creates and creates a fun situation for her emotions. For example, if she says “you are losing your hair” the logical answer would be “no I am not,” but a fun, emotional answer would be “yes and my baldspot is so shiny it can be used to measure albedo.”
Another good response is to smile and say “you are funny,” and maybe do a little dance. Her: “why don’t you buy me a drink” Me: “you are funny.” Her: “I’m not fucking you tonight” me: “you are funny.” Her: “Do you think I’m hot”? Me: “you are funny; of course I think you are hot.” Even if I don’t use the words “you are funny” I want to convey the emotion that I am so unafraid of her challenge I am taking it as a joke. If she says “no I’m serious!” then I will explain why her shit test was absurd ONCE, and then move on. For example, if she is “serious” about not fucking me I will say “who said I was gonna fuck you? You need to butter me up before I’ll do that.”
It is your responsibility to determine which of her shit tests are legitimate complaints about real problems that need to be addressed. Because of your emotional power over her, you must be the rational “mind” of the duo. If you brush off a complaint about a real problem, she may buy into your frame, but that problem will continue to exist. If you are a drug addict and she calls you out on it, you can “hold frame” when you respond, but damnit you need to stop being a fucking drug addict. Speaking to her emotions and doing the right logical thing are two completely different things. No woman’s conscious mind ever completely shuts off, so if you are being a dumbass or a weak bitch, the moment you slip up and stop feeling like an alpha male, she will run for the exits. If she is freaking out about a real problem, the right response is to look her in the eye and say “it’s gonna be ok”; a witty comeback in that case would make you look callous or retarded.
Finally, if you are emotionally investing in damaged, crazy women because of the “challenge” you need to grow the fuck up. That shit is fun if you are 20, but at some point you need to build an actual life and crazy women are usually an obstacle to that. Crazy women are attractive to men for the same reason that alpha males are attractive to the woman – they are a portal to a fun, crazy world you can’t create on your own. But to the archetypal alpha, a crazy woman is not a fascinating, challenging creature – she is a source of bullshit and slightly more difficult shit tests. Sometimes crazy women are more interesting/challenging/funny/smarter than regular women, but you can only accept those women if they contribute positively to your life. Remember, the archetypal alpha does not need anything from the betas.
Does the alpha male apologize? Well, the archetypal alpha male never apologizes because he never does anything wrong. You may not understand his actions, so he will explain it to you if you deserve it, but if you don’t accept his explanation and keep complaining he just ignores you. But real men sometimes do make mistakes sometimes and my policy is to apologize when I do something I believe is wrong that actually hurts her. In fact, I give her more of an apology than she expects or deserves (agree and amplify) and I try to do it before she asks for it. I think apologizing shows class, maturity, and strength, and on a primal level, apologizing shows that you created a challenge for yourself by doing something wrong and you’ve defeated that challenge by apologizing. As much as I would love to act like the archetypal alpha at every moment, if I deny the real consequences of my actions I look weak, timid, and mentally retarded. I have never had a woman lose attraction because I apologized to her. Of course, some women will use your mistakes as a way of gaining power over you by requiring multiple humiliating apologies so my procedure is 1) apologize ONCE for the mistake, 2) if she brings it up again, tell her I apologized already, and 3) walk away if she keeps complaining. And if I did not do anything wrong, I will say “I did not do anything wrong” ONCE and walk away if she keeps complaining.
Approaching and escalating
You can, and must, make one tiny exception to the alpha male quid pro quo for approaching women. Strictly speaking, a woman for the first time you are approaching has not done anything for you yet, so you are not supposed to do anything for her or pay her any attention. But if you can approach women without looking like a wanter, you can get away with a tiny violation of the alpha male quid pro quo.
Women usually do not approach or escalate because 1) women take longer to emotionally invest in men than vice versa, 2) women are deathly afraid of rejection, and 3) women want men to take the lead. When a woman sees an attractive, well-dressed man she is usually at most “interested,” but not quite emotionally invested yet, so she has no strong urge to approach.
Therefore, your goal in an approach or escalation is to open the door for her to feel accepted so she can feel comfortable entertaining you. That is ALL an approach should be – if you are trying to entertain her or validate yourself to her on first approach she already sees you as beta. An approach is a gift you give her – the opportunity to audition for a role in your tribe. It is a delicate balancing act – your approach must be “intense” enough for her to feel like you are actually accepting her, but not so intense that you look like a wanter. Approaching by itself is not creepy – it is the feeling that you WANT something that is creepy, so after you open the door, you must simultaneously give her a chance to prove herself to you while feeling like you might walk away at any moment. The feeling you should communicate is “I am having a fucking blast and yes, I guess you can join too if you want.” Your approach should also not include any timidity or anxiety whatsoever because those are indicia of wantiness. When I approach a woman I normally introduce myself and start with a broad question like “how was your day?” or “what have you been up to tonight?” If what she says entertains me, even if it is mean or challenging, then I will reciprocate by showing interest and continuing the conversation. If her response is boring, I move on.
Escalation basically comprises three steps:
First, you never show any emotion towards her until she does something to deserve it. Again, you can make a small exception at first approach: I sometimes act like her just being there or being pretty is enough of a “contribution” for me to pay her a little attention and approach. But until she has earned your enthusiasm, you must practice subconscious transcendence. I sometimes talk in a rational, matter-of-fact way, like you are just doing your duty by introducing yourself or welcoming them to my party like Brad Pitt. Some guys talk to her like a teacher politely admonishing a student or a socialite being polite to somebody they secretly hate. You need to practice and figure out what emotional demeanor works best for you.
Second, if she does something of value, you can show emotion towards that thing, but not towards her just because she is hot. For example, if she says something funny, you can laugh, or if she does something impressive, you can be genuinely impressed. But you should emotionally invest in HER as an abstract entity. Nor you should you pretend to be impressed or amused to get her to like you. That is validation-seeking behavior. The more she does for you, and the more she emotionally invests, the more you can accept her.
Third, the more she does for you and the more she emotionally invests in you, the more you can accept her, but you must still fundamentally fixate your thoughts and emotions on challenge mode. What constitutes “acceptance” changes as the situation and her emotional investment in you increases. For example, if you have been talking to her for a while but have not started touching her, she may feel “rejected” because you are not showing her sexual interest. If you have been making out all night and you don’t invite her back to your house, she may feel rejected. Etc… You must have emotional intelligence to know when to press the gas.
At the same time, you must stay less emotionally invested than her and only “escalate” when she is ready for it. Although women want men to lead, they will not follow until they are emotionally invested enough. You should only ask her questions she will say “yes” to because “no” is an emotional reaction that causes people to recoil and become defensive. For example, if I am out on a date with a girl I will sometimes pull her hair to get her into a sexual vibe, but the hair pulling does not start until she is absolutely ready for it.
You must use your emotional intelligence to determine how emotionally invested she is because women never yell out “I am emotionally invested enough to come home with you now.” And frankly, sometimes you will just read her wrong, which is fine. Emotional investment exists in levels: She must be slightly emotionally invested to follow you around a bar, but needs a slightly higher level of emotional investment to follow you to different venue, a still higher level to fuck you, and an even higher level to commit to you for a long term relationship. Using the alpha male quid pro quo, you can guess how emotionally invested she is by how much she has done for you: a woman who appears disinterested and distracted but has been following you around and doing whatever you suggest is more emotionally invested than a woman who acts super interested in you but has not yet done anything for you. Because actions trump words, even if a woman says something seductive or provocative, if she has not emotionally invested in you, don’t fall for the bait. Just laugh and say “you are funny.” Women try to draw you “off sides” all the time by saying something sexual and making you look like a wanter.
Some manosphere guys encourage dudes to “be persistent” even after getting rejected. I generally disagree, because it obviously violates the alpha male quid pro quo and because I personally don’t want to waste my time on a woman who has already said no, especially when there are so many other good options.
But there is some truth in almost all advice. You can be “persistent” in the following way: the archetypal alpha never gets rejected – the tribe belongs to him, nor does he ever reject anybody, because nobody can hurt him bad enough to merit getting attacked. The archetypal alpha will, however, ignore people who don’t give him what he wants, so the alpha male might approach a woman, and if she is lame, he will move on. But the woman never “rejected” him and he never “rejected” her, so he might come back to her later if he feels like talking to her, and by the second or third time she may have seen enough of him to think he actually feels like an alpha male. I have had many approaches and even relationships start with 3 or 4 shitty interactions, and then get good. In fact, if I feel like an interaction is going downhill, I bail first so I can keep the option of coming back later. But I am always in control, I don’t wait for a woman to reject me and then keep talking like an idiot.
How to be nice
The great paradox of women is that they say they want a guy who is “nice,” but then they appear to turn around and emotionally invest in assholes. What the fuck is going on? The answer is that women DO want a nice guy, but only if he is attractive, acts like an alpha male, and excites her emotions.
The archetypal alpha is “nice,” but not like a typical M’Lady “nice guy” who does shit for women hoping to get their validation. Instead, the alpha male’s “niceness” is equivalent to charisma: he makes people feel good who are around him. Charisma is essentially positivity, graciousness, fairness, and apathy. The archetypal alpha is “positive” in the sense that nothing can ever make him angry, sad, or mean. He is “gracious” in that he wants nothing so everything he gives is out of the goodness of his heart. He is “fair” in that he rewards people who do things for him, but ONLY people who things for him. He is “apathetic” in that he only projects emotions towards women when women do something to ask for them.
The archetypal alpha has an almost superhuman ability to be "nice" because he has no insecurity, so he is always positive. He is not afraid of anybody attacking him or taking his position in the dominance hierarchy, so he has no reason to be mean to anybody or withhold rewards from people who do things for him. If anybody tries to screw him over, the archetypal alpha does not need to get angry or negative because the archetypal alpha cannot be hurt; he simply ignores the offender. On a more practical level, if you strictly enforce the alpha male quid pro quo, nobody can ever screw you over because you are always taking more than you are giving and the primary thing you give (acceptance in the tribe) costs you nothing.
The alpha male is also apathetic. Niceness and apathy are linked because 1) women want you to ignore them when they fuck up, not punish them and 2) women do not want your attention and/or emotions until they do something to deserve it. Because the archetypal alpha is perfect, the betas are constantly letting him down, and being apathetic is the nicest thing he can do because 1) if the alpha rewards the betas for bad behavior he violates the alpha male quid pro quo and looks like a weak bitch and 2) if he punishes the betas the betas feel rejected. The alpha also does not "comfort" people who failed because 1) he must focus on defeating challenges 2) it serves no evolutionary purpose for the alpha to comfort losers. The alpha male does, however, comfort people who have been contributing.
When a woman fails or feels like she failed, you should react with positivity and apathy. If a woman tells you she is a stripper or prostitute or did some other thing she is ashamed of, just say "so what" and move on like it was nothing. Dwelling on things that make her anxious, either in a positive or negative way, never makes her feel good. If you run into a woman who ghosted you, you should smile, say hi, and act like nothing bad happened. Of course, you should not do anything for the ghoster because she has violated the alpha male quid pro quo, but you should make clear that you are emotionally unaffected by her actions, either positively or negatively.
Apathy is also "nice” because women, like all people, are selfish, and only want the relationship to be "on" when they want it to be on. Of course, your goal in gaming women is to make them want it to be on all the time, but until you achieve that goal, you should not project any emotions or want towards her. Men are constantly burdening women with anxiety, weird emotional bullshit, jealousy, possessiveness, pressure, judgmentalness, etc..., so if you can just not give a shit about her you are a huge breath of fresh air to her. Once you show that you are apathetic, women can more deeply emotionally invest in you because they don't have to worry about some negative reaction from you if they fuck up.
On the flipside, when a woman does do things for you, you can be gracious. I use the word "graciousness" instead of "niceness" because 1) the alpha's contributions are so awesome that nobody really deserves them, so everything he gives is out of the goodness of his heart, 2) the alpha male has everything, and therefore wants nothing, so he does not give in hopes that he will receive something back, and 3) after the beta contributes to the alpha, the alpha can take the money and run, so the alpha paying back the beta is graciousness. Even talking to the alpha is a gift because he could walk away in an instant and feel nothing. Imagine if Brad Pitt walked into a party with tons of beautiful women that wanted to fuck him, but he saw an ugly, fat woman in the corner alone and talked to her so she wouldn’t feel left out. That’s graciousness.
Graciousness is extremely attractive to women because she has already done something for you, so your giving shows you are grateful, which makes her feel valuable and accepted in the tribe. On an evolutionary level, acceptance based her actions feels more solid than acceptance based on just being hot because there are lots of hot women in the tribe. Furthermore, a man who gives out of graciousness rather than wantiness is more rational, credible and consistent, because his giving is not based on his feelings. “Wanty” guys are unattractive because the woman can tell the guy is giving stuff because he is in the grip of some insane, uncontrollable emotion, and when that emotion disappears his giving will disappear. Some of the wantiest, most beta guys become huge douchebags after they get women because those powerful feelings that were pushing them to do “nice” things for her are gone.
Finally, women are attracted to gracious men because graciousness is a feeling she literally cannot produce on her own. The beta is wired to give only out of fear and in order to receive something in return, acceptance in the tribe. To a beta, a man who can give something and not want anything in return is the height of power. When I am out, I make sure to liberally tip, thank, and compliment all the waiters, bartenders, valet people, etc… we run into. By demonstrating graciousness you demonstrate (or act as if) you are in the position of power. I have had women stare at men blankly while I did nice things for people, and then suddenly become attracted.
True graciousness is rare. Most guys like to think they are being gracious, especially “nice guys” who do undeserved favors for women, but these fake Mother Theresas fail to realize that they subconsciously want something in return. But women know – evolution installed in them a very keen ability to figure out if a man is giving from graciousness or wantiness.
One of the strangest elements of the alpha male quid pro quo is women’s innate sense of fairness. If you withdraw attention from a shitty, undeserving woman she may yell, cry, call you an asshole, etc…, but her subconscious emotions will KNOW you are being fair and if you keep your resolve and hold frame, her subconscious emotions will eventually win and force her to accept you as the alpha male. On the flipside, if you withhold your attention after she has done things for you, she will legitimately feel hurt and rejected. Women only remain emotionally invested in a relatively narrow band of behavior: if you do too much for them, they lose attraction because you look beta; if you do too little, they feel rejected. As the woman emotionally invests in you more deeply, that band of behavior widens, and she is less likely to feel rejected because you have already made her feel accepted.
Most men are reluctant to implement these rules because they feel like they are being harsh or violating the normal rules that govern interactions between human beings. But once you understand that this sense of fairness is wired into women’s genes, you can feel comfortable enforcing boundaries and withdrawing your attention. It sounds bizarre, but there are times when women literally want you to ignore them as if they don’t exist.
If you master positivity, apathy, fairness, and graciousness, at least theoretically there is no reason to ever lose a plate because you are a pure source of good emotion for her, and never any bad emotions. Of course, in the real world sometimes women are consciously looking for a particular commitment, and will leave if you cannot provide that commitment, but on a purely emotional level they will remain attracted.
Many men fail to hold frame because of an emotion or group of emotions I call the “magic connection.” You can think of the magic connection as love, “chemistry,” a neurochemical cocktail, a spiritual bond, or whatever you want, but it is essentially a deep, unexplainable connection you feel to another person. There is a similar feeling and idea I call “magic femininity” which makes men feel like just because a human being has a vagina they must be worshipped, supplicated to, treated better than other people, etc… Men often feel like it is “wrong” to draw boundaries when dealing with women because of magic femininity or the magical connection.
I have no problem with either the magic connection or magic femininity. All feelings have their place, and only a broken loser rejects good feelings because he is afraid he will get hurt. And further, if I like a woman, I want her to feel special. I like romantic shit like fancy dinners, love poems, and sex by candlelight. But these magical feelings are weak compared to our other, more important emotions, so you must hold frame first. She must accept you as the alpha male and emotionally invests in you, AND ONLY THEN you can make her feel special, be romantic, etc…
To the extent the magic connection and magic femininity actually even exist, they piggyback on stronger emotions. Isn't it weird how you only feel a “magical connection” to women that are super hot and feel out of your league? If the magic connection is so pure and beautiful, why do you never feel a magic connection to boring, mediocre-looking women? How come you never feel an overwhelming urge to hold the door open for a fat bitch wearing a NASCAR t-shirt? Humans are apes, and our emotions are designed to ensure we survive in the jungle, not to write Shakespearean sonnets. And just like you only feel the magic connection for beautiful blondes, a woman can only feel a “magic connection” to a man she feels is the alpha male. If you stop feeling alpha to her the magical connection will linger for a while but eventually her biological imperative will make some other guy feel “magical” to her.
The magic feelings feel incredible so they ruin men's lives. Being alpha is more important than the magic feelings, even if it requires doing un-magical things like withdrawing attention and drawing boundaries. Women live in the same world we do, and while they want to be loved, spoiled, and made to feel special, their feelings drive them to the alpha male first.
To subconsciously communicate that you are the alpha male, while simultaneously appealing to her conscious mind you must use what I call “subconscious transcendence.” She must feel like your thoughts and emotions are in challenge mode and therefore “somewhere else,” but simultaneously you must be super friendly, confident, enthusiastic, engaged, and interested in what’s going on with her life. You should look her dead in her eyes, listen intently to whatever she is saying, and care.
Until a woman does something for you to merit your attention, you should not be thinking about her, worrying about whether she likes you, trying to “figure her out,” trying to impress her, etc… She should feel like you just finished fucking the girl of your dreams, and you are only talking to her to be gracious. She should feel like you are literally on your way to something more fun, and are only stopping to chat with her to be friendly and not rude. She should feel like you have absolutely 0 emotions invested in the interaction, and the only thing that will cause you to stay is if she does something entertaining. She should feel like every fiber in your body, heart, and soul is begging you to walk away because you have better women, better challenges, and better, higher realities to attend to that she can never access.
Imagine if Brad Pitt or another big celebrity had a party at a mansion and he personally greeted every guest at the door, no matter who they were, and spoke to them for like 5 minutes as they entered the party. No matter how friendly, enthusiastic, or engaged Brad Pitt acts, all of his guests will subconsciously or consciously realize he doesn’t really give a shit about them: they know he has much more important people (and hotter girls) he could be talking to, he doesn’t want or need anything from them, but nevertheless he is friendly to everybody who comes to the party so he is gracious. Meanwhile, women will be falling over themselves trying to make a great impression in that 5 minutes so that Brad Pitt remembers them and maybe talks to them later. “Brad Pitt welcoming visitors to his party” should be your mindset whenever dealing with women.
In one sense, subconscious transcendence requires you to be “fake” because you are being friendly to somebody who you don’t really care about – yet. Women will realize you are being “fake” but nevertheless appreciate it because your fakeness is for her benefit. Women themselves constantly practice subconscious transcendence because they are being fake nice to people they are not emotionally invested in. Indeed, women WANT you to be fake because they prefer a guy whose thoughts and emotions is focused on something else rather than them. We usually hate fake people because they misrepresent their true feelings to get something from us, but the alpha male misrepresents his feelings to give something to us. Nobody is mad at Brad Pitt for being “fake” when he greets them at his party; they are just glad to talk to him for 5 minutes. For most people, one of their favorite memories is talking to a celebrity for like 10 minutes even though they know the celebrity probably doesn’t even remember.
Although subconscious transcendence requires you to be “fake” in one sense, it also allows you to be radically authentic in another sense because you can fully express your personality. Most men emotionally overinvest when they meet a woman, which causes them to act creepy. These men know on some level that if they express their authentic emotions, the woman will be creeped out, so they present a “toned down,” weird, timid version of themselves. Nevertheless, the woman senses that something is “off” about the guy, and she gets creeped out anyway.
If you practice subconscious transcendence, however, you can approach, engage, escalate, and build attraction with women, while simultaneously not appearing too emotionally invested, aggressive, or creepy. One of the few PUA concepts I like is “congruence,” which is when your thoughts, emotions, actions, and words perfectly align. If you act timid, anxious, low energy, weird, or awkward, the woman will sense that there is something in your thoughts and emotions you are afraid to express, and she will become suspicious of your motives or feel like she has power over you. The alpha is never afraid of anything, including expressing his own feelings. Women also cannot emotionally invest in men that are “hiding” their true thoughts and emotions, because the woman can’t vicariously experience them. But if she senses that you are fully and openly expressing yourself, she will feel comfortable emotionally investing in you. But you can only be “congruent” if your thoughts and emotions are positive and on challenge mode and not her, because otherwise your “congruence” would be you telling her “yeah I am a sad, lonely guy with a terrible life, and you are my only chance at happiness, so I am going to fixate on you and follow you until you fuck me or call the cops.”
Joking and teasing
Holding frame is strange because you are creating an emotional experience that does not perfectly match reality. You are not the archetypal alpha male, but you are making her feel as if you are. Joking and teasing is a great tool because it enables you to say things that touch her emotions without making her conscious mind think you are an arrogant douchebag or mentally ill. For example, I tell women I have a magical ability to find good parking spots, I can talk to animals, etc…
Similarly, when I tease her, the underlying “joke” is that I am the archetypal alpha, perfect in every way, and although she falls short of my perfection, I accept her anyway. A woman made fun of me for using a semicolon incorrectly in a text message, so I responded that I actually used it correctly because I have the power to change the rules of the English language. Then I told her that if she was a good girl, I would teach her the new rules. Somebody who talked that way in real life would be a massive douchebag, especially considering that she was correct in that case.
Because women deal with guys that are actually arrogant, douchey, delusional and mean all the time, you must make clear that you are joking. Women are very sensitive to rejection, so they carefully analyze every word you say to determine if the joke conveys your real feelings about her. Women are also apt to take your words literally because “there is truth in every joke.” I am very careful with my words because I do not want her conscious mind to interpret my joke as an actual attack or criticism of her. I don’t make fun of women for their important flaws but for small, trivial mistakes they make that we can both laugh at. For example, I will never make fun of a woman for her weight or appearance, but if she uses a word wrong or spends a long time trying pushing a door that you are supposed to pull, then you best believe I will make fun of her all night, so long as she is laughing along. The key is to make the interaction challenging, but not too challenging such that she feels attacked or helpless. Use your emotional intelligence.
You act based on how you feel, and to act like an archetypal alpha, you must feel like you own everything on heaven and earth, you know everything, you are friends with and control all the best and important people, you are the best looking and best-dressed guy on earth, you already have every woman you want, you can get any woman you want, and you have everything a woman will ever want or need, and most importantly, you have the power to reach into your chest, grab her heart, and make it fall in love with you.
Abundance is the opposite of wantiness. If you have everything, you will naturally want nothing. Think of abundance like air conditioning. We all enjoy air conditioning, but we do not actively “want” it because it is always just there. That’s how you should feel about women – you like them but you already have them so there is no “want.”
But abundance is not just "having" things. It also means your life is so awesome that every single one of your thoughts and emotions is focused on the funnest possible thing. If a man has complete abundance, the hottest woman on earth can pass before his eyes and he will not even look twice unless and until she does something to deserve his attention. The archetypal alpha is always doing the most fun thing he can possibly be doing, which is why his attention makes people feel so special: if his life is so awesome and he is paying attention to YOU, that means you must be doing something awesome.
Abundance mentality is incredibly difficult to cultivate because no man actually has complete abundance. Every man is prone to scarcity because, no matter what we have or who we are, there is something we don’t have, and we subconsciously fear that women might want that thing we do not have.
The primary barriers to abundance are 1) uncontrolled desires, 2) pedestalization of women, 3) a shitty life, and 4) insecurity.
As discussed earlier, men’s insanely high sex drive makes women an addictive and dangerous drug. Our sex drive also destroys abundance because when I see a hot girl in McDonald’s I want to just walk up and fuck her, but I can’t, so now I have scarcity. Or if I am used to fucking mediocre girls, and I suddenly see a hot girl, now I have scarcity because I do not normally get hot girls. I have seen celebrities and millionaires, even ones that get lots of pussy, act like some of the creepiest, wantiest people I have ever seen because IN THAT MOMENT they have scarcity. As I discussed in the “hacking” section of this article, you must control your desires and disconnect your “self” from your desires.
Pedestalization also ruins abundance by causing us to subconsciously view the woman as the “alpha” in the relationship and ourselves as the “beta.” Socially constructed fictional characters like the “soulmate” and the “dream girl” have the same characteristics as the alpha - there is only one and no other girl will make you happy like her, you must bring her sacrifices FIRST, and she will be a portal to a better, happier life. Oneitis is basically perceiving her as the alpha. But women do not think of themselves as alpha, nor do they want to be alpha, and they sure as hell do not want you to act beta.
Pedestalization fails because on a primal, evolutionary level, they feel like their value comes from doing things for the alpha male, not from being hot or having any other characteristic. Look at the world from her evolutionary emotions: because she is seeking the single, archetypal alpha, she feels like she is competing with all the other women in the world for status in his hierarchy. The hot girl in the gym is not comparing herself to the other girls in the gym, but to Angelina Jolie and Kate Upton. Being hot does not give her a special status because there are tons of hot women in the tribe, and even if she was the hottest, on a subconscious level she knows that hot women are only a small part of a balanced diet for the archetypal alpha, so her hotness does not make her special or buy her much status. Being smart, interesting, funny, etc., also does not make her special because the archetypal alpha has more of those things than her and, per the alpha male quid pro quo, the archetypal alpha will only reward her if she uses her intelligence, personality, etc… to do something for him. The only way she can become special is to do things for the alpha.
Society, especially modern society, drives beautiful women crazy by creating a massive emotional dissonance. On a primal, evolutionary level they FEEL as if being hot does not really make them special to the alpha. But on a conscious level, society constantly tries to sell them the idea that they are special because they are hot and are therefore more likely to find a man, have fun, make money, etc… Everybody likes to feel special, so many beautiful women believe this lie, and to repress this primal insecurity they build a “hot” persona that is confident, assertive, and often bitchy (bitchiness is a sign of insecurity). But this persona crumbles in the face of a man who feels alpha to them, and their insecurity activates because they now feel like, even though they are hot, that means nothing to the alpha and they could get rejected at any time.
Not seeing women as “alpha” is a huge shift for most guys. Instead of chasing the “perfect” woman, they should go for the best woman who will do things for them. I don't care if she is the hottest, smartest, coolest, funniest, most amazing woman in the world - if she is not contributing your life you must cut her loose and downgrade to a less amazing woman who will contribute to your life. Having abundance means being ok with not having your dream girl because the only person that can fulfill you is yourself.
Having a shitty life also destroys your abundance. If your thoughts and emotions are not fixated on defeating challenges, you will feel inferior and beta, and your brain will build pleasure pathways to anything it thinks might make it feel good, including video games, drugs, porn, and worst of all, hot women. And if you have no other sources of pleasure, and no other women, and some hot woman pays you any attention or pretends to like you, your brain will quickly and subconsciously emotionally invest in her.
The solution to a shitty life is obviously to build yourself an awesome life and put yourself in challenge mode as much as you can. But no matter how awesome your life is, you will never feel complete abundance, so you will need to “trick” your mind. You don't need to fuck 100 women (although that helps), but your subconscious does need to feel like it has options. To trick my subconscious mind into thinking I have abundance, I schedule more stuff for myself than I have time to do. For example, when I go out, I put 10 bars on my schedule so I don’t feel nervous to approach anybody because even if I get rejected and everybody at that bar thinks I am a complete creep, I effectively have unlimited chances that night. If I get invited to a party or something, I always give myself the option of leaving so I do not feel "stuck" paying attention to a woman who does not deserve it there. I normally only go out 3 nights in a week, so if more than 3 quality women who want to hang out with me every week, I can act with abundance around other women because if they do not meet a high standard I literally cannot hang out with them.
Insecurity also destroys abundance because it causes your mind to subconsciously emotionally overinvest in women because it thinks it has no other options. Women are a need (a relatively unimportant one, but a need), so if our subconscious thinks it is not getting any it goes DEFCON 1 and allocates all thoughts and emotions on fixing that problem, the same as it would if we were starving or freezing in the cold. Again, the solution is to trick your subconscious into thinking you have abundance, even if you do not.
As I discussed earlier, insecurity is the fear of getting rejected from the tribe. Most men feel like they are "entitled" to a certain level of woman, but woman beyond that level are "out of their league." This type of thinking is dangerous because, although it may be true that a particular woman or even class of women may think they are too good for you, it is impossible for you to truly know who exists in that class. But no matter who she is, you must hold frame the same way. Many men think that because a woman is hot or rich or whatever, she deserves “more.” No! Per the alpha male quid pro quo, the only thing that entitles her to “more” is doing things for you.
The only difference between hot women and ugly women is that you might have to work a little harder to hold frame around hot women. You can screw up around ugly women more – if you act a little needy or make them feel rejected, they may still run back to you because they feel like they have no other options. But hot women know they have options, and they are used to melting guys’ frame, and if you are like most guys, you are used to melting in hot women’s frame. But overall, the rules are the same.
If your insecurity is causing you to act differently around hot women you must believe from the bottom of your heart, and with all your conscious and subconscious emotions, that you are better than every other guy she can get. As discussed above, being attractive does not make her feel special on a primal level because the archetypal alpha has infinite hot chicks.
Every man is insecure because none of us are the archetypal alpha. Some guys are closer than others, but we are all very far away from that ideal. There are many ways to become closer to the archetypal alpha, so if one avenue is closed off for you (for example, you are short), there are many other ways to make up for it. Some women will just never want a short guy, but the more you improve yourself in other ways the more women you become attractive to. It is ok to worry about your weaknesses, but you must leave that insecurity at home when you hang around women. You should constantly be working on your issues and improving yourself, but when you are around women you must feel and act like you are the shit, even if you have glaring weaknesses.
I keep my insecurity at bay by remaining in challenge mode. I am not a billionaire or a celebrity, but I honestly feel like I am a better catch than a billionaire or a celebrity because I am constantly improving whereas they could go stagnant at any time. Furthermore, by being in challenge mode I am having fun, which is the most valuable resource of all, and I can allow her to join that thrilling adventure, so if she can't live without cocaine or vacation houses in Miami, that is her loss.
Abundance mentality is a fragile thing and can quickly disappear after you get rejected or disrespected by a woman. You must always be ready to “rehack” your mind to feel like the archetypal alpha again. When I was younger and I suffered a particularly hurtful rejection, I would go to the bathroom and figure out what I might have done wrong to turn my hurtful emotions into a rational plan of action. Once I rationally figured the mistake I made, if anything, I would wash my face, meditate for a few minutes, and then go back in there.
Hacking your mind creates a strange paradox. The archetypal alpha never worries about holding frame because he is perfectly alpha and therefore will naturally act perfectly alpha without even thinking about it. In fact, the archetypal alpha does not even care if women think he is beta. But, as we discussed, you are not the archetypal alpha, and you need to worry about holding frame or slipping back into beta mode. To resolve this paradox, you must simultaneously 1) focus on having fun and 2) enforcing the alpha male quid pro quo. If you are faced with an uncertain situation or your emotional intelligence is not developed enough to read a situation, just press the gas without worrying and with the knowledge and feeling in the back of your mind that you are the alpha male and you are doing what the alpha would naturally do. If you fuck up, you will learn something for next time. But being bold is generally a better idea than chickening out. Your beta mind will use any weapon it can to get you to act beta, including your fear of looking beta.
Another aspect of abundance is that the archetypal alpha “owns” all of the women in the tribe, so he feels no fear in approaching them, talking to them, or even saying stupid shit in front of them. Approaching a new woman is like a CEO introducing himself to an employee of his company he has never met. She is already “accepted,” but because the CEO knows nothing about her she has no built up capital with him, so if she immediately acts badly on first impression he can immediately reject her.
If you feel like you “own” her, you would not feel any insecurity if she talks to another guy because you know she will come back. Of course, in reality, you don’t own anybody and sometimes women talk to other guys because they like them more. In that case, let her go – remember, as a man with abundance you can go and find 300 girls like her.
The archetypal alpha leads the tribe in every way possible by 1) doing whatever he wants rather than following others and 2) giving instructions to the betas. Holding frame, therefore, is “mastering the current reality, creating a new reality and insisting that your rules of reality are correct.” Humans evolved to feel like all “rules,” even natural laws, unwritten customs, and government laws, are instructions from some alpha male, so by “taking the lead” you are acting as if no external rule constrains your conduct.
This is all subconscious. Nobody consciously thinks “I want to blindly follow and obey another human being,” especially in today’s individualistic, anti-authority world. Women particularly do not like having their freedom constrained, especially because many of the men they interact with quickly become possessive and controlling (indicia of scarcity). People just happen to follow leaders because it is fun and easy and removes the burden of taking responsibility or facing challenges yourself. I never offer up advice or tell people how to live their lives unless they practically begging for it because 1) I don’t offer my help until people deserve it and 2) nobody wants to be told what to do.
The alpha male does not lead by threatening, asking, or imposing his reality without others’ consent. Instead, he demonstrates his reality is superior by simply having more fun and by sticking to it when it clashes with other realities. For example, if a woman says “I want a man who is a radical feminist/Trump voter/Christian/wiccan/etc… like myself” she is subconsciously communicating “I want a man who accepts my reality as the correct one.” Your response to this shit test is to smile and say “I’m not a radical feminist/Trump voter/Christian/wiccan/etc.., but I don’t care that you are,” essentially communicating “I am not joining your reality, nor am I afraid of it. Come see how fun my reality is and you will want to join.” The wrong answer would be to show anxiety, frustration, or anger at her being a radical feminist/Trump voter/Christian/wiccan/etc… because that would communicate that you are threatened by her other reality and the alpha male who created it.
Leadership requires boundaries. Most men have no idea where to draw boundaries because, for most of their life, their “rules” came from others. My concept of boundaries is simple: I am willing to bend on anything so long as my ability and focus on defeating challenges is not compromised. If you can offer me a genuinely better take on morality, preferences, goals, or actions, I may accept it, but if you want me to put my own fun and challenges on hold for purely your benefit, the answer is always no. My idea of boundaries is a lot more rigid than it sounds: most people test your boundaries for their own benefit, not to help you defeat challenges.
Even if you do agree with her on things, or she makes a good point that you should consider, you should still play the contrarian because 1) it is challenging and fun, and 2) you show that you are not going to roll over and accept her reality. Even if we are both atheists, I will defend religion just to make the conversation interesting. Like all challenges, you must use your emotional intelligence to keep the challenge fun and not trip any wires in her conscious mind – if you try to convince a feminist that rape should be legal that probably will not go well. Women love to argue and subtly shit test you by acting shocked, offended, emotional, etc… Your response should be to hold firm and say something “I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree” if she keeps pushing her position on you.
Anybody you interact with naturally insist on their reality at first, because that is all they know. But most people are unhappy with their reality, and are seeking a better one, so if you appear that you have a different, higher reality, they will quickly accept it, even the parts they don’t understand or necessarily agree with. Think about religion: most people don’t agree with or understand every single aspect of their religion, but they nevertheless accept it because it makes them feel better than any of the alternative realities. Similarly, groupies that try to fuck celebrities may not think every single about those celebrities is awesome, but they generally are more excited about the groupie life than their normal, boring lives. But even if she generally likes your reality, but wants to “fix” a few things, you should not let her, because if you do, you are admitting that your role as the alpha male is compromised. Even if she makes a legitimately good suggestion, you must never accede to her demands – say “I’ll think about it” and then later make the change as if it were your own decision. Yes, I know that sounds childish and manipulative but we are talking about deep, primal emotions.
Acting like no external rule constrains your conduct is tricky because there are obviously some rules you must follow. For example, you must obey the police and the law of gravity. But if can violate manmade rules to create a positive result for yourself and the woman, she will be attracted. For example, it is an unwritten but generally accepted societal rule that “it is creepy to approach random women at a bar.” This rule came about probably because many women experienced creepy approaches. But if you approach a random woman confidently, she will appreciate the fact that you replaced the current law with your own version of reality which was ultimately more beneficial for both you and her.
Creating your own reality means that you can wipe away all existing rules, opinions, customs, boundaries, and threats. No social situation or social pressure should intimidate you because the alpha male creates the social rules, not anybody else. I used to fear going into new environments because I would think things like “the girls at the fancy club liked me, but the girls at this hipster/Latin/hip hop/etc… bar won’t like me because I don’t follow the ‘rules’ for this place.” But I realized that those rules are and arbitrary and manmade, and people’s allegiance to those rules often melt in the face of the emotions created by the alpha male and I could look MORE attractive by violating them, so long as I looked superior while doing so. I will go to a hipster bar dressed in a suit and tie, or I will go to a fancy cocktail party dressed like a hipster, etc…
I note, however, that the archetypal alpha is the master of the current reality, which means you must be superior to the people in that reality, not just different. If you go to a fancy cocktail party dressed like a scrub, nobody will be impressed.
You must lead across every single category of the interaction. You must decide where you are going next, what the activity is about, what the conversation is about, what the emotional tone is, etc… It does not matter if it is an inconsequential decision, like where to have lunch, or if you do not care or know what to do. Just pick something and change course later if you made a mistake or she doesn’t like it. You should always have plans and backup plans. I often verbalize my plans to women at the appropriate time: at the beginning of dates I let her know the plan for the date, later I let her know the plans for my life, etc… If something goes wrong, as the leader it is your responsibility to fix it or make a new plan, all the while remaining calm and unperturbed. As always, emotions are more important than reality, so if you get lost it will be more soothing for a woman if you calmly say “I have no idea where we are going, but we’ll find it” than if you say “I definitely know where we are going,” in a nervous or anxious way.
Setting the emotional tone is also extremely important. If you meet up with her and she is in a sour mood, you must reject her mood and be your happy, challenge mode self. She will either join or not, and if she does not buy into your emotional tone then you leave because you are not having fun. One of the biggest mistakes men make is allowing women to set the emotional tone of the interaction, which is why so many men act feminine around women. We get used to “mirroring” people we like so they like us back, but women do not want men to “mirror” them. Similarly, if she is a negative mood, or anxious, or low-energy, you can’t become like her – you must take the lead. Even if she is in a super positive mood, you still have to keep your emotional state – she can’t feel like she is controlling you or changing your emotions.
Despite women’s desire for a leader, you should still take women on adventures they enjoy. Ideally, you find a plan that exists at the intersection of what you enjoy and what she enjoys. But sometimes women are afraid to confront men and tell them they do not like the adventure, so you must use your emotional intelligence to “read” her to see if she likes your decisions. At the same time, you cannot be wishy washy, noncommittal, or anxious. Women would rather do something not fun with a leader than a fun thing with a man who won’t lead. But, of course, if your plan really sucks, her conscious mind will kick in and want to leave. I always leave women an “out” – so I often frame suggestions as a “default option” – “hey I’m getting a vodka soda, do you want anything different?”
And again, you must only suggest a line of action when she is emotionally invested enough to come. If you want a woman to come with you to the next bar you better not say “I’m going to go to bar X” until she is emotionally invested enough to come with you.
At the end of the day, doing whatever the fuck you want is the key to leadership. I wrote this article to create a set of fundamental rules that men must abide by, but aside from these rules, you can do anything. Most men feel an intense paranoia about what they should do around women, and I want to relieve that paranoia so you can stop worrying about women and focus on the real goal: having fun. I have internalized these rules pretty well in my own life, so I rarely think about them. My goal when hanging out with women is to have fun, and I have a blast.
On the most primal evolutionary level, “superiority” means the alpha gets “first dibs” on resources: he eats what he wants and the others get whatever is left over. In reality, this means that 1) on a micro level you must be focused on your own first, and 2) on a macro level she must feel like you fundamentally have access to more and better resources than she does.
You must make sure you are having fun, and once that is taken care of, then you can worry about if she is having fun. It sounds bizarre, but women literally monitor how much fun you are having, and if she feels like you are not having fun, or worse, you are doing something you do not want to do just to make her happy, she will lose attraction. And faking it does not work: women can sense if a guy is doing something because he really enjoys it if he is just doing it please her.
Most people have no idea how to have fun because they are too worried about pleasing others. They go to places they don’t like, hang out with people they don’t like, listen to music they don’t like, etc… There is a lot of free joy in the world that nobody collects because they are too worried about conforming to the tribe. The alpha male, however, is a vacuum that collects all this joy. No matter what situation you are in, you should be finding a way to make it fun. I am constantly laughing, joking, making up stupid games, and basically making every moment as fun as it can be. If she makes the conversation boring, I change the subject. If a song comes along that I like, I sometimes interrupt the conversation so I can sing and dance to it. If we are walking and we see a cool store, I suggest going in. I am calm, relaxed, and physically comfortable. I take up space. If she wants me to go to a crowded bar or somewhere that sucks, I say no. If she is sitting, I am also sitting – I am never less comfortable than her. If we sit down at a restaurant, I look at the menu and decide what I want before I talk to her. I am selfish, but not in a way that hurts her – I just need to be having fun.
For example, my friend has a bar in his fancy rooftop apartment, so he occasionally has parties with lots of hot girls. The women go to the bar, and the men follow them there to hit on the women. I, however, grab a drink and sprawl my body out on his huge comfortable beanbag on the other side of the apartment. I look silly at first, but the women often leave the dorks at the bar to come sit in the uncomfortable regular chair next to the beanbag (I leave no room for anybody to sit on the beanbag) to talk to me. It is amazing that women literally make themselves uncomfortable to talk to the comfortable guy.
If you ever feel nervous or anxious around a woman, or do not know “what to do”, just relax and do something fun. Shift your emotional focus from her to yourself. Sometimes if I feel awkward or like she is losing interest, I just get up and do a little dance. If you are not having fun, you are not holding frame. Earlier, I said that the alpha male is a giver and does not want anything in social situations. But having fun IS giving her something. She can have more fun through you than she can by herself. Just make sure she is also having fun.
On a macro level, superiority means that you have access to resources she can never obtain. I do not just mean money or vacation homes, but rather an awesome life she cannot access without you. That awesome life can completely within you: the archetypal alpha has an infinite inner world so he can talk intelligently about any topic, make any situation positive or funny, and turn any boring date into a thrilling adventure. It also helps to have access to awesome parts of the material world she does not have access to. For example, I have a great career but I do stand up in dinky bars for fun. Women are obviously attracted to me because I am successful, but when we are hanging out they mostly want to talk about me doing stand up because it is a portal into a fun, interesting, weird world they normally have no access to.
Superiority is related to transcendence. The alpha male is superior and transcendent because he is the only one in the tribe with the courage to venture into chaos, reduce that chaos into order, thus creating a new reality that previously did not exist. You show you are superior not just by having better things, but by breaking barriers, celebrating, and then breaking more barriers. Women do not care WHAT is in the VIP section, they just want the feeling of “transcending” the velvet rope and entering a previously inaccessible reality. Once they are in the VIP section, they get bored and want to beat the next challenge. My beta rich friends try to impress women by buying VIP sections in clubs and music festivals. The women think this is cool and interesting for about 45 minutes, but when they get bored I swoop in and offer them a better adventure: we often end up in a dive bar, dinky pizza place, or some other weird adventure that they would never even consider on their own. Don’t get it twisted: women want to know you have access to the VIP section at the club, but they want to go one step further and actually have fun.
The world is full of little opportunities to “show off” your ability to break boundaries. For example, if I am at a bar or a club I will say “I want to hear the Justin Bieber” and then I will go tell the DJ to play it. That does not sound like a big deal, but most people do not even think about the possibility that the DJ will play their song. Doing this feels like I am creating a new reality that she previously did not have access to. Even if the DJ says no, the woman will still be impressed. It is more attractive to push boundaries and fail than to never try at all.
“Bad boys” sometimes feel like alpha males because they transgress the boundaries of society and feel like they create their own reality. This sounds absurd to respectable people, but when you are around a confident gangster, rapper, or pimp you really feel that this motherfucker really can do whatever he wants. This is also why people like gangster movies so much – a mob boss like Vito Corleone lights up the same emotions in our subconscious as the archetypal alpha would. This is an illusion of course – those guys are pieces of shit and eventually meet their doom – but our emotions are easily fooled.
You don’t need to be a gangster or drug dealer, but you can and should push the boundaries of society in little ways, like wearing a sweater others would be afraid to wear, saying things it is not socially acceptable to say, having non-mainstream opinions, and “breaking the rules” when you can get away with it. I “agree and amplify” her crazy statements, so if I am discussing politics with a hardcore lefty woman, I may grab her, pull her in, and whisper in her ear “let’s get drunk tonight and murder the heads of all the major banks in America to destroy the financial system and begin a new communist utopia.” That’s obviously absurd but just saying those words is attractive to her because I am inducing the feeling that, if I wanted to, I could break “society’s” rules. Of course, in transgressing society’s rules you must be careful to not offend her conscious mind, look like a Nazi, humiliate yourself, etc…
Transcendence is like being an angel. I exist in this world but I also exist in a higher world and I can move back and forth between the worlds. She can never visit the higher world but I can occasionally bring her stuff from that world, and as I defeat challenges in this world, I am slowly making it like the higher world. I always keep parts of me hidden from women because the moment she “figures me out” the challenge is gone. I do a lot of stuff I keep secret from women, like the Woujo thing, my side businesses, etc… Women do not know any of this stuff, but they can sense that there is something deeper to me than what they see, which essentially makes me feel infinitely deep to them because they have no idea where the rabbit hole ends.
Finally, the most important part of superiority is truly believing in the deepest part of your heart that you are superior to everybody and that no matter where you are and who you are around, you are entitled to superior access to their resources. You should be able to walk into the fanciest club in New York or Miami, go to the VIP section, walk up to the hottest supermodel there, and talk to her like you’ve already fucked her. And if anybody has a problem with that, you just laugh and smile as they are kicking you out. And then you go do it again at a different VIP section and kick you out again. And again. And again. If you do this enough, some of those VIP sections will not kick you out and you will meet hot women. Of course, those people may be richer, better looking, smarter, etc..., than you, but you still must feel and act as if you are better. And women may look at you and instantly think you are not in their league. But the beauty of holding frame is that you act the same way no matter what other people think: you hold frame, and they either take it or leave it.
The key to feeling superior like this is realizing that many of what you thought were “iron laws” of reality are actually soft pottery you can mold and create a new reality with. Like most guys, I used to be intimidated by men that were richer than me, more powerful, had hotter women, etc… But during my time sneaking into VIP sections and getting kicked out, I soon realized that all these “intimidating” guys were just regular dudes who had just figured out how to “hack” one small aspect of reality. They had either figured out some trick in the market to make a lot of money, or they had found some well-connected friends, or they had learned some PUA tricks, or they had found a fitness/eating/dressing regimen that made them look good. Basically, their “essence” was not “superior” to mine, and I was only a few small steps from getting the material things they have. Even if I could not easily “hack” reality to get what those guys have, I have to pretend like I can.
Superiority is a dangerous aspect of holding frame because we are trained from birth to hate people who act and think they are superior to us. With good reason – people who act superior are usually insecure douchebags. A man who is actually superior, however, does not brag, put others down, act rude, snobby, or arrogant, etc… He just has fun. As I discussed earlier, the archetypal alpha’s thoughts and emotions are on defeating challenges, not betas, so he has no desire or reason to “convince” anybody he is superior.
The archetypal alpha male can defeat any challenge in any form, from nature, from other people, or from within. Not only must you feel and act as if you can kick anybody’s ass in a physical confrontation, you must also feel and act as if you solve a complex math problem, a confusing emotional situation, and any other problem the universe could throw at you. Women’s physical attraction to men is based on them looking like they can defeat physical challenges (i..e, fighting other men), but you should also look like the most superior member of whatever community you are in. For example, if you are at a fancy cocktail party – you should be one of the most well-dressed.
How would an undefeatable alpha male act? He would be calm, friendly, and positive. His emotion would range from friendly and positive at best to stoic at worst. He would never show frustration, anger, fear, anxiety, timidity, confusion, or sadness, because those emotions only appear when you feel like the challenge may defeat you. Of course, it is ok to feel these things sometimes in real life, and women can tolerate that shit to a small degree, but the archetypal alpha does not feel these things so if you express these emotions the woman will be less attracted to you. If you need to be a bitch, do it on your own time.
A lot of guys try to fake being an alpha male by being loud, aggressive, obnoxious, pushy, douchey, mean, etc… This may work if she is comparing you to a timid beta, but a real alpha beats a fake alpha. In the power hierarchy, the mean tough guy is close to the top, but the clam, friendly, positive guy is higher than him. Humans evolved to “sense” who the real alpha is, so if somebody is getting loud and douchey towards you and you keep completely calm, the woman will sense that you are the “alpha” in that encounter. Of course, this is just a feeling, and this feeling can change if the guy actually kicks your ass.
Earlier I defined confidence as “the positive emotion, focus, and determination you express when you think you will defeat the challenge you are confronting.” I will expand that definition here to include “the lack of anxiety, fear, or timidity.” Unless you are a bacteria, you have probably been confident at something in your life. You are probably confident when you brush your teeth because you know you will not “fail.” It is difficult, however, to be confident around women because we do not know how they will react. It doesn’t matter – even if there is a big possibility you will fail, you must still do whatever you are doing with positive emotion and no anxiety. When you make a move on a woman, you must do it as if you know she will accept it, and if she rejects it, laugh and act like it is part of the process.
Some of you may have a hard time producing positive emotions because you suffer from anxiety, depression, or other problems. Those problems are really hard to solve and article is not about how to solve them, but if you want to hold frame, you have to figure it out somehow. If you’re sad, scratch your ass and get glad.
The key to looking powerful is actually setting up your interactions with women so that you do not get hurt, so you do not need to show anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, etc… In other words, you should NEVER PUT YOURSELF IN A POSITION WHERE A WOMAN COULD HURT YOU, be it the first date or 5 years into a relationship. I may sound cold hearted because a woman has never really hurt me, but IF A WOMAN HURTS YOU, IT IS YOUR FAULT.
Earlier, I stated that the proper response to a “shit test” was to just brush it off and laugh. But what if the shit tests never end? What if she is continues to be a bitch and it is not “fun” anymore? Well, you leave. You are a heat seeking missile that only wants positivity: if girl A can’t provide it, go to girl B. Don’t dwell on girl A, get mad, or “put her in her place.” She either stacks up or she doesn’t, and if she doesn’t, you act like she doesn’t exist. If you won the lottery and you were running around in joy, and a random homeless guy started insulting you, you wouldn’t even notice the homeless guy. Because an alpha has complete abundance, if a beta ignores or disobeys the alpha male, the alpha just moves onto the next beta, leading the disobedient twat to die in the jungle alone.
If you are in a long term relationship with a woman and she suddenly starts being an asshole, there are two possibilities: 1) she is getting tired of you, but does not want to admit to herself that she is the asshole, so she is trying to make you “snap” so she can justify being the asshole, or 2) some other thing is bothering her. If #1 is true, dump her and move on. If #2 is true, you need to figure out if her problem is something worth fixing. If not, dump her and move on. If it something worth fixing, fix it.
Mark Manson famously wrote in his book Models that men should be “vulnerable” around women and men have been trying to figure out what the fuck he meant ever since. Does it mean we should admit our weaknesses? Should we treat the woman like our therapist? Here is my take: Women like to see a man defeat challenges but are also attracted to the emotion of a man defeating challenges, so even if you are battling Satan himself, if you are doing so with confidence and positivity, and making progress, not only will she remain attracted, she will become more attracted. But if your problems are overwhelming and crippling you with anxiety, she loses attraction. Period. Her conscious mind will want to help you and be a good friend/girlfriend/wife/etc…, but her subconscious emotions will be screaming at her “this guy is gonna get killed in the jungle, and you will get killed too if you stay here to help him. Run!!” I tell woman about my challenges all the time, but I present it as if I am defeating them, because I am. If Mark Manson means that men should courageously go into battle against challenges, including the ones she creates, and not be ashamed to talk about it, then yeah, I agree that you should be vulnerable so long as the woman does not think you are weak or you will lose the battle. If, on the other hand, he means that men should confess all their weaknesses and flaws to a woman, then I would say do not do that unless your weaknesses and flaws are very superficial.
The “vulnerability” question is a stupid one. You are either handling your business or not. If you are handling your business, go ahead and tell women about it. If you are not handling your business, you should worry about handling your business, not about whether you can tell women. Women want an emotional rock, and if life is drowning you, she is not strong enough to pull you out – she will just get sucked into the maelstrom with you. I hate to say it, but women are not attracted to men that are getting defeated by life. A loyal woman may stick with her man through hard times, but only if she sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Women love to “comfort” men when terrible stuff happens, and it is tempting to fall for it and act like a little bitch, but you shouldn’t. Stay positive, find the good in it, and let her know you are going to conquer this challenge like every other one that comes your way. Catastrophes can actually increase her attraction because she will compare how you react to how she would react or how other men she has dealt with have reacted. But if you need to break down and cry, go tell a therapist, a stripper, your parents, your friends, etc… But not her.
Men’s insane sex drive makes holding frame difficult. As I discussed earlier, women have an evolutionary need for the alpha, but men do not really “need” women for anything, evolutionary speaking. But as a practical matter, men who cannot control their emotions act needy because of their sex drive. Therefore, men have a tendency to ignore, dismiss, or look down on women until they want sex, which gives women a huge amount of power – women can use sex as leverage and then they can plot against men when they are being ignored. This problem is so prevalent that many cultures have a myth where a woman who is being used only for sex successfully plots against the man ignoring her. In the Bible, this happens in the book of Esther and with Adam and Eve.
To prevent this, you must control your sex drive and resist any attempt by her to manipulate you with sex. The archetypal alpha cannot be manipulated using sex because he has infinite access to it. The archetypal alpha enjoys sex, and is open about enjoying sex, but sex is a small part of his life, maybe an hour a day at most. The archetypal alpha spends all day defeating challenges, and then has sex after a long day like a warm meal or shower. A man who spends all day obsessing about sex is like a man who spends all day obsessing about food: you would not think he was the archetypal alpha; you would think that guy has some kind of problem getting food.
To understand women’s sexuality, you must understand the sexual life of the archetypal alpha. Sex is pleasurable for the archetypal alpha because he enjoys dominating and fucking the various women in his harem when he wants, where he wants, and how he wants. Sex is pleasurable for women because they enjoy getting fucked BUT ALSO because they enjoy fucking and dominating women vicariously through the archetypal alpha, including themselves. It may sound bizarre, but when women see an attractive guy surrounded by women, they subconsciously fantasize about BEING that guy and fucking those girls. But women can never be that guy, so they settle for the next best thing: being the girl he fucks. Yes, human psychology is that weird.
Women subconsciously fantasize about being an alpha male and fucking the woman in his harem in the most powerful, dominant, and uninhibited way possible, which is why women in nightclubs sing along to rap songs saying the most brutal, degrading things about women and why they sometimes like being slapped, spanked, or choked during sex: they enjoy being dominated because they are vicariously dominating themselves. During sex, women have said shit to me like “treat me like one of your whores” and “imagine I am one of the other girls at the club you would have rather fucked.”
There is a conflict of interest here. In her role of herself, she obviously does not want to be disrespected, hurt, or made to feel like shit. But in vicarious her role of fucking herself as you, she wants you to fuck her in a dominant way. As the man, it is your job to resolve this conflict: you must fuck the shit out of her in the most dominant, confident, alpha way possible, while simultaneously making sure she feels accepted, valuable, and “part of the team.” Many women feel disrespected and shitty during and after sex, but if you can keep the entire experience full of positive emotions, you will be amazed at how much women up to you and the lengths they will go to please you.
Because the archetypal alpha is the star of the show, he takes the lead, makes the decisions, and does not show any timidity, anxiety, or hesitation. He knows what he is doing and both parties know he will make sure that the experience is enjoyable for everyone. The archetypal alpha also makes clear that he is having an awesome time because he is fucking a hot, and more importantly, valuable and loyal babe. The hotter she feels, the more enjoyable she feels the sex is for you, and therefore the more enjoyable the sex is for her. No woman wants to vicariously fuck an ugly bitch.
Before you can take the lead sexually, however, she must 1) feel like you are the alpha male and 2) she must feel accepted by you. In other words, she must be emotionally invested in you. You must always make sure she is slightly more wanty than you and ready for the next step before you press the gas. If you misread her and you make a move she was not ready for, chill out, take a step back, and then start building her emotional investment up again. If she gives you a hard no, stop completely, go to sleep, or start talking about something completely different. If she has any want for you at all, she will initiate again.
Society often teaches women that sex is shameful, so there is often a chasm between what her conscious mind thinks and what her subconscious mind wants. When you take the lead, she may subconsciously like it but her conscious mind will express reluctance. My personal policy is to get a verbal affirmation from her conscious mind that we will be having a historic fuckfest to try to minimize regret or the possibility that she will back out of the deal. Some guys say asking for consent ruins the mood, but if you have been holding frame well, you can afford a few corny moments.
The requirement that a woman be emotionally invested in you is also linked to our loyalty circuitry. Sex is dangerous for the alpha because, as discussed earlier, enemy tribes can use women as a distraction to attack the alpha where he is literally weakest. This is why women disrespect men “who will put their dick in anything.” For his own safety, the archetypal alpha only fucks loyal women, i.e., women who have emotionally invested in him, i.e., women who have done things for him. Therefore, a woman wants to be romanced and eased into sex not for HER benefit but for the MAN’s benefit. A man who walks up to a random woman and says “show me your tits” is an evolutionary liability because he could potentially be letting an enemy woman distract him from his mission. This sounds extremely counterintuitive, but foreplay and compliments turn women on because they are subconsciously communicating that she has proven her loyalty to the tribe, so therefore it is ok for the alpha to fuck her. Sudden moves in sex or being overly aggressive freak her out not just because SHE feels like she is in danger, but because it shows that the man is reckless as to who he gives his attention to.
Women often shit test you by teasing you with sex to see if you become wanty. For example, if a woman says “I want to fuck the shit out of you later” most men would think they won the jackpot and immediately start supplicating. But saying a few seductive words does not give her the right to fuck me, nor does it show adequate emotional investment on her part. She must DO things for me first. If she has done nothing for me, and therefore is not emotionally invested, I smile and say “you are funny” even if I want to fuck her. If she has put some work in but is not quite there yet, I may touch her and whisper in her ear “well I hope for your sake you don’t fuck this up.” Even if she is ready to go, I still make her wait a little before I take her back so she does not feel like she is the leader.
I want crazy, uninhibited sex. I want her to run upstairs to my bedroom, rip her clothes off, and start jumping on my bed. I want her to pull my dick out and start sucking it without me even asking. Women will do this, but only after they deeply emotionally invest and accept you as the alpha male. Women fuck beta males and guys they are only semi-into all the time, but that sex is unenthusiastic, boring, and often regretted. Women are fucking those guys to get something, not because their primal emotions are screaming for wild, passionate sex. Most guys have had sex with women who only wanted to do one position, were thinking about other shit, would not let them finish, etc… That is not fun. Even if a woman says “let’s go back to your place” if I don’t think she is ready to go all out I will tease her a little more. This is obviously a dangerous game to play - if a woman openly asks you for sex and you don’t show enough interest she will think you are timid, gay, or rejecting her. You must use your emotional intelligence.
Because the archetypal alpha has infinite abundance, women are attracted to men that are desired by other women. Specifically, women want to see other women emotionally invest in you and then you act fairly towards them. For example, one of the most powerful weapons you can have vis-à-vis a woman you are in relationship with is other hot female friends that you regularly go drinking with.
This desire, however, is one place where her conscious mind and subconscious minds sharply diverge. Women’s conscious minds avoid “players” because society teaches women that “players” will ultimately end up rejecting or disrespecting her, which is often true. Because rejection is so terrifying for women, both her conscious and subconscious minds are very careful when they feel they might rejected. Even groupies are careful to not emotionally invest in the rock stars they are fucking because they know they can get discarded at any time.
Therefore, while you can and should show women you have other options, you must act very subtly and keep her conscious mind unaware. You do this by acting social towards other women, keeping female friends, but making sure that the woman you are in a relationship with feels accepted and secure. Rubbing your other women in her face or saying things like “I have other options” will just make you look douchey and insecure, and cause her conscious mind to start making other plans. Nothing turns woman A on more than when woman B desires you but you ignore woman B in favor of woman A because it communicates “if you deserve it, I will treat you like a queen, and if you do not, I can ignore you like you do not exist.”
It is possible to maintain a harem, even one where the women know about each other, but you must hold iron frame and you must ensure that each woman feels accepted and special. As noted before, you must be gracious, fair, positive, and apathetic, but it is extremely difficult to be fair when multiple women are doing things for you and expect your attention/acceptance in return.
Many people will read this and think I “hate” women. I do not – I love women. This article is not about men or women – it is about alpha and beta. These relationship dynamics exist in homosexual relationships as well. And furthermore, the vast majority of men happen to be thoroughly beta. It is true that men are born with neurochemistry that makes it easier for them to inch closer towards the ideal of the archetypal alpha, but most men squander that ability. Meanwhile, there are tons of women who develop “alpha” traits because they need to because all the men around them are weak. There are many women I would trust to take charge in a chaotic situation over some of the weak beta males I know. And those women are even more impressive because they had to do this without the brain chemistry advantage men have.
Furthermore, being alpha does not make you “better” than betas. Betas can be smart, caring, funny, hard working, disciplined, interesting, etc… Without betas, society could not exist because the world would be a constant war between alphas. The only “advantage” an alpha has over a beta is a lack of fear in the face of chaos, but if you do not cultivate that lack of fear correctly, it could hurt you more than help you.
And finally, I am not happy human psychology is this way. Just because humans have an inherent desire to blindly men who feel confident and dominant does not mean that those men are competent to lead. The desire for an alpha male lead to Barack Obama, Donald Trump, and Adolf Hitler, so no matter who you are, you should be annoyed at these facts of human psychology as well. Many men have taken the burden of leadership and failed their followers miserably, which is why liberalism and feminism, which reject any kind of authority, especially male authority, are so attractive to so many people. I am not one of these guys that think that women should obey men – if the man is a weak bitch he does not deserve to be followed.