How to approach a woman

How to approach a woman

To successfully approach a woman, you should do the following four things.

1) You must have something on your mind more awesome than her

2) You must be unshakeably positive and exude joy

3) You must bring enough confidence for the both of you

4) You must take the dominant position in the conversation

You must have something on your mind more awesome than her

Remember the movie Men in Black where the two government agents would use a pen to erase people’s memories who had seen aliens? Women have that same power. A beautiful woman will wipe out all of our thoughts and emotions and replace them with her and only her. This is why most men sound stupid when they talk to beautiful women. They completely forgot who they are, what they like, what their boundaries are, etc…

Women, however, are not attracted to men who only have them on their mind. If she is the only thing in your head, you may get “locked in” and follow her around all night, annoy her, stare at her, get mad if she talks to another guy, etc… Even if she thinks you might be cool, she will reject you immediately if you get locked in because there is a chance that you won’t be cool and she will have an annoying stalker chasing her all night. Women have a deep, primal ability to sense when a guy is “locked in,” which causes them to go into fight or flight mode. Furthermore, if she is the only thing in your thoughts and emotions, you will become too emotionally invested in her, and she can also sense that. (I explain all this in my article on emotional investment).

I live in a gay neighborhood and gay guys hit on me a lot. I have no problem with it (I actually like the self-esteem boost), but “locked in” guys are terrifying zombies. I can tell by the look in their eyes that fucking me is the only thing they care about, and they will say and do anything to get to that goal. They say the stupidest gibberish to me, and don’t seem to catch any hints that I was disgusted and afraid of them.

The key to not being emotionally invested is having something more awesome than her on your mind – it can be other women (preferably multiple other women), hobbies you enjoy, interesting intellectual ideas, a more fun party that you can go to, the song you are listening to, etc… Sometimes I think about my perfect day (surfing stoned at the beach) and I put myself in that emotional place when I talk to her. I get relaxed, calm, blissful, and somewhat stupid (it’s amazing how you can ignore stupid bullshit when you’re happy). She needs to feel like your life is more fun than hers, and she needs to act right so she can join yours. This is easiest when you actually have a more fun life.

Another key to not being emotionally invested is by staying active in the club: motion creates emotion. You should always be doing something - buying a drink, finding your friend, texting somebody, etc... Even when you approach, she should feel like you are on the move, you have better shit to do elsewhere, and you will walk away at a moment’s notice if she is boring, mean, etc…

Women can subconsciously sense when you’re on a mission, and the moment you just stand there dumbly or show that she can throw you off your mission she loses attraction. For example, if I am at the bar buying a drink, I will strike up a conversation with the woman next to me, but I will continue buying the drink. No matter how hot or famous she is, don’t let her perturb you, change your emotional state, or alter your behavior. Until she gets emotionally invested enough in you, she has to feel like you would rather be doing something else and you are just talking to her to be nice.

Another perk of having your awesome life on your mind is that you can weather the ups and downs of the approach better. Getting rejected by another human being, or even just feeling negative vibes from them, is one of the most painful, soul-crushing things that can happen to a person, but the best way to handle that is to immediately put yourself back into your happy place so one woman rejecting you means nothing.

I had a rich friend who used to buy the VIP section at the club and fill it with hot girls. I would still game other parts of the club and I soon realized that I did better with women when he had the VIP section – not because the women actually cared about VIP, but because subconsciously I knew I had a more “fun” option I could go back to.

You must be unshakeably positive and exude joy

When you approach, every ounce of your being must exude joy and positivity, as if the deepest parts of your soul are completely happy. Like I said earlier, I put myself in the emotional mindset of experiencing my perfect day.

Of course, most of you are not happy: your life sucks and you are riddled with anxiety and fear. When gaming, you must put all your anxieties and worries in a mental box in your brain, and label that box “for later.” One technique to stop short-term anxiety is to meditate for like 15 minutes, let each anxious thought cross your brain, and either come up with a plan to fix it (I am skinny so I will go to the gym tomorrow), or tell yourself you will do your best despite that anxiety (I am short, but I will do as well as I can given my shortness). Once the anxieties have been “resolved” then go forth and have fun – even if they reappear tell yourself you will deal with them later. If you’re having a bad night, or something angers you, or you get sucked into the emotional vortex of neediness and unhappiness, go to the bathroom or outside, take a deep breath, and put yourself in the happy place again.

Fun, happiness, and positivity always win. Always. A lot of people, men and women, are dealing with anxiety, depression, pain, and sorrow, so being around an unshakably positive person is like being around a crack dealer who is giving them something they can’t get anywhere else. There is no guarantee that a woman will like you, but even the angriest, most pessimistic woman has way less excuses to reject a happy guy than a “tough” guy, or a bragging guy, or an awkward guy, etc...

And no matter what – be positive!! Even if they girl is talking about something sad, or tries to piss you off with a shit test, or the place you are at sucks, or any negative thing happens. No woman wants a stranger to come up to her and be negative, no matter how true or relevant to the situation it is. Period. Even if you are generally a negative, pessimistic person like myself, put that away when you approach people.

Bring enough confidence for the both of you

Never forget that in almost all approaches, WOMEN are the shy, insecure, anxious ones, which is why you must approach them, and not vice versa. Even when you approach them, they still have anxiety because it takes women some time to decide if they like you. Most guys don’t realize that if a woman is being shy, unresponsive, standoffish, or “stuck up” when you approach her, it is often because SHE has anxiety and insecurity, and she is still feeling you out.

That’s why, not only do you need to approach her with confidence, you must bring enough confidence for her as well. By this I mean that you should respond to her AS IF she was into you, for at least the first five-six cycles (by cycle I mean, you say something, and then she says something, etc…). Oftentimes a guy will approach a girl, she will react with anxiety or standoffishly, so he the guy will get anxiety, causing the girl’s anxiety to increase, leading to an anxiety spiral that kills the interaction. The man can prevent this by acting like she responded positively to his approach. It is very bizarre and unnatural – it literally feels like the scene in Weekend at Bernie’s where the guys pretend to hang out with a dead man. But by “endowing” her with fake confidence, her anxiety will often disappear.

Of course, if she goes more than 5-6 cycles being standoffish and cold then maybe she really doesn’t like you. This is your judgment call to make. Some girls take a long time to warm up, and will start to like you, while others are not into you but will talk to you just to be nice. Nevertheless, most of the time if the woman is still there talking to you, she has at least some interest. Remember – she can leave at any time. And furthermore, if a woman is not sending you any obvious signals, she may still be interested, which is why you must assume attraction.

Do not take the submissive position in the encounter

Women are very aware of the power dynamic in approaching. I’ve asked a few women why they never approach guys, and they almost always say “If I approach, he has all the power because he has the option to reject me, ignore me, etc... If I make him approach, I keep the power.” To women, the person making the approach is taking the weaker position and giving the approachee the power to reject him or her. These same women, however, want the guy to approach confidently – they literally want the man to act dominantly as she is trying to force him into the submissive position.

What these women don’t realize, and I do, is that “submissiveness” is completely in your head and depends purely on your feelings and actions. If you don’t “feel” or act submissive, then you aren’t. Period. I don’t approach as if I am the weak one asking for acceptance, but the powerful one accepting her. I even say absurd shit like “thanks for coming” or “I’ve never seen you here before” as if I was the owner and I was “letting” her be there. If she asks if I own the place, I say “no, but I act like I own every place I’m at.” My entire tone and demeanor is one of “I am the boss here, I can make you leave if I don’t like you, and you’re lucky to even talk to me.” This isn’t true, of course, but I act that way. If I’m in a Starbucks, I imagine I own the Starbucks, even if I am clearly just a customer.

This is an incredibly important point. Humans are wired to see relationships as a dominance hierarchy, and men and women have approach anxiety when approaching strangers because they feel like they are the inferior ape in the tribe “asking” the alpha for something, who is likely to say no. We are wired to feel extreme anxiety whenever we do something that we think might annoy the alpha or cause the alpha to reject us, and that anxiety is designed to paralyze us so we do nothing. The only way to overcome that approach anxiety is by feeling like we are the alpha “accepting” the woman into our awesome life.

This is much easier said than done. Many of you have deep feelings of inferiority that reach to the bottom of your soul and have been ingrained into you by traumatic experiences over your entire life. These feelings of inferiority and anxiety are exacerbated by society and the media, which make you feel like if you are not fucking a beautiful blonde every weekend then you have failed as a man. Every interaction with a woman becomes a pressure cooker because you feel like if you fail then you think you are a worthless loser.

Here is my attitude: I do not give a fuck if I ever get laid again. My life is awesome and sex with beautiful woman is such a tiny part of it that it if every woman on earth hates me, I will still be completely happy. Of course, I don’t really mean this – I still want to have sex and if every woman on earth hates me it might hurt my feelings a little. But if I have the mindset that I never need to get laid again and I will happily walk away from any woman, I take away all the power from any woman who wants to make me feel bad about myself or wants too much from me. I have known many beautiful women who were terrible, miserable, deeply depressed losers, so I will never supplicate to a woman just because she is a woman or because she is hot. You can only make me feel bad if I actually did something wrong, but I am always trying my hardest to be a good person and I know the difference between right and wrong so good luck with that shit. I also know that I can get laid, so if any particular woman says no, I can find a million women hotter than her that will say yes. I also know that every woman is a completely different person – if some fat, ugly, homeless woman rejects me, that doesn’t mean that some gorgeous supermodel won’t say yes.

“Put yourself in a dominant position” does not mean be a rude, loud, arrogant douchebag. Rather, as the dominant one who is “accepting” her into your awesome life, you must be calm, relaxed, warm, enthusiastic, friendly, and empathetic. Nothing is more dominant than being warm and friendly to a complete stranger who might reject you. By being positive and friendly no matter how she reacts, you show that you are so much above her that ever her worst reaction will not affect your positivity. Many women you approach will immediately shit test you, do something rude, or act weird, and you must plow through it by refusing to become overcome with anxiety or submissiveness. It is hard to keep this emotional frame at first, but once you get used to doing it, approaching is a breeze.

Once you take the dominant emotional mindset, women lose their magic. You no longer see yourself as asking some heavenly angel for a blessing, but rather as approaching a frail human being who has insecurities and anxieties and probably sucks in a lot of ways (as most people do). As much as I hate misogyny, I admit that sometimes a slightly misogynistic mindset helps guys get laid. If a hot girl is a pathetic loser, misogynistic guys will often treat her like a pathetic loser, letting her know that she can’t fool him and make him submissive.

Dominance is also physical. I will not speak to a woman until she is turned all the way towards me (shoulders square with mine), has her full attention on me, and I am physically comfortable. I often see women at bars comfortably sitting in a stool having a drink, and a guy at some weird, uncomfortable angle behind her trying to talk to her – that guy is in the submissive position. I absolutely will not accept that. Imagine you are Jay-Z welcoming guests to a party – if some rude guest will not turn all the way to face Jay-Z as he is introducing himself, do you think Jay-Z will stand there and try to continue the conversation? No, he will move on to better things.

Because of my demands, I immediately write off most girls because I cannot speak to her in a dominant way. If she is in a VIP section and I am not, I am not going to stand on the edge of the VIP and try to lean like some loser who wasn’t invited. If she is sitting and I am standing, I am not going to bend over to talk to her. If she wants to talk in an uncomfortable, cramped place, I try to get her to move and if she won’t, I move on.

I also don’t approach any girl who isn’t going to bring positivity. If she is clearly upset, or crying, or trying to start drama, I am not going to go over there and try to “help” her. I also don’t approach girls that are clearly with a guy, girls that are clearly doing something where they don’t want to be disturbed, girls that are too wasted, etc… A lot of PUAs may say that I’m giving up a lot of good opportunities this way, and they may be right, but I think I my way leads to a lot more high-percentage closes and is overall more fun for me.

The mechanics of the approach

Given my requirements described above, the actual approach is pretty straightforward.

First, make eye contact with everyone. Say hi to every girl you see, with only extreme exceptions (she’s clearly there with a guy, etc…). Wave if she’s far away. The warmer her reaction, the more conducive she is to being approached. But keep doing what you’re doing as you’re saying hi. If you’re going to buy a drink, keep your body in the motion of buying a drink. The worst possible thing that can happen is that she gives you a weird look or looks away, and this usually only happens if she’s there with a guy. No matter how unattractive you are, on a biological level it’s hard to say no to a happy person saying hi to you.

If you’re in a social crowd with people you know, talk to everybody, men and women, so you don’t look like some creeper that just wants pussy. In fact, in a mixed crowd of friends talk to the head alpha male and then introduce yourself to the girls almost as an afterthought. But eventually introduce yourself to every girl there – it’s only polite.

Instead of using clever “lines” or openers, I usually just introduce myself (“Hi, my name is Woujo”) or sometimes just say “hi, how are you?” In fact, I am against using canned openers because I want my approach to be authentic to the environment and the situation. If something about her or the environment really strikes me, I might comment on that thing first (“Dude, your sneakers are the shit” or “Isn’t this DJ awesome?” or “look at that weird guy dancing in the corner”).

I normally hate tricks, but here are some tricks.

All humans have an intense desire to be accepted into the tribe, so I might use an “acceptance” opener like “hey, thanks for coming” as if I own the bar, or “are you new here? I’ve never seen you before.”

Another trick: If you approach with words and a demeanor that make her feel like you guys already know each other, she may subconsciously be tricked into thinking you know her. Examples of “familiarity” openers are “hey, how are you,” “hey how was your day,” “what’s up,” or something that strangers don’t normally say to each other but familiar people do.

Another trick: if you are with a friend, introduce your friend first. Walk up to a group of girls and say “hey, have you guys met X?” For some strange reason, this almost always works, even when the girls have no idea either who either of you are. I am not sure why this method is so successful. It may be because of the familiarity principle, because 99% of the time if somebody is introducing you to somebody, you know that person. It may also be that the girl does not feel threatened by either of you, because your friend is not doing anything, and you are introducing your friend, so you are not “asking” for anything. For whatever reason, it works.

All that said, I don’t really ever think of my opener. Because I am having fun and feel confident, when I see a girl words just spill out of my mouth because I want to talk to her. I understand that I am this way because I have a ton of practice, but my point is that this shit should eventually just become muscle memory for you.

The second line

Because women are insecure and have anxiety, you usually need to push the conversation for 4-5 cycles before she gets into it. I think of approaching like trying to start a lawnmower – sometimes you have to pull the cord a few times before the engine starts running on its own. Your ultimate goal is to get her to the point where she opens up to you and starts talking about herself in a deep way. But girls are not going to want to open up to a complete stranger at first, so you need to pull the cord a few ties.

For the second line, I often use a line that could have been a first line. If I started with “hey how are you” my next line might be “Hi, I’m Woujo.” I’ve found that a great second line is “what did you do today”? “What did you do today” works because of the familiarity principle – that’s not something you would expect a stranger to ask. It also works because everybody did something that day and that thing is usually the most important thing on their mind.

Other “second lines”:

  • “Do you come here often?” Or “Have you been here on EDM/house/hip hop night before?”

  • If you know the owner or promoter or something, I may say “do you know owner/promoter?” This is a version of the acceptance opener, and it kind of scares the girls into thinking that they are supposed to know the person.

  • “You seem like a nice/interesting person” – I don’t normally like to say “you’re cute” because if she’s hot she gets that all the time and if she’s not she knows I’m lying.

  • “Are you guys out for a special occasion?”

  • If it is a daygame situation, I may ask a question relevant to the environment “what are you shopping for today,” “what band did you come to see,” “who is getting the abortion today”?

  • “I had to come talk to you because nobody is partying harder than you and I love positivity.”

  • I might also use the gushing positivity opener, where I say “I am having the most incredible time ever” and then tell her a funny story of something that happened to me that night.

One thing about second lines: don’t ask something too probing or weird. For example, don’t ask “where are you staying” or “why is your friend sad?” That shows too much emotional investment in her.

As you can see, it’s not rocket science. Your emotional demeanor is a lot more important than the words you say. Your goal is to just make the second line relevant to her feelings and the situation. These lines are the absolute most basic ones – you will be able to think of more creative lines when you are actually in fun situations where cool shit is going on around you.

If you pique her feelings, she will get interested and want to talk to you. That’s all.

Final steps

The next step? Forget everything you just read. Anxiety feeds on thoughts, so the more thoughts you put in your mind, the more reasons anxiety can find to express itself. You should just DO and not think. Everything I have written here is technically true, but you should get to the point where you are executing this without thinking. You should be thinking about your awesome life, not little tactics to get girls to like you.

Approach anxiety and the "acceptance" paradigm

Approach anxiety and the "acceptance" paradigm

My program for fighting feelings of inferiority

My program for fighting feelings of inferiority