How to succeed on a date
**Make clear it’s a date** It’s 2016 and you’re a fucking adult. You should never be hanging out with a girl without making clear what the context of the hangout is. Don’t let girls put you in a weird grey zone where you might be a friend or might be a lover. “Hey you wanna go on a date?” That’s how you should ask. If she says no, well guess what, she probably wasn’t going to fuck you anyway and even if she would it would have been too much work. If you’re on a date and she asks “are we on a date” you should say “if you’re lucky.”
**Plan every step of the whole fucking date** As the man, it is your responsibility to plan every step. It seems counterintuitive, it may feel weird, and it makes so sense to the male mind, but if you do not take the lead the woman will not be attracted to you. No exceptions. I don’t care if you just moved to town and she has been living there her whole life – you need to find out what bars/restaurants/etc... are good in that town and decide where to go. Make sure you have three or four spots on your plan and make sure you have back-up plans in case someplace is closed or something.
**Control every step of the date** Again, you should choose the places you go, control the flow of the conversation, everything. You should even be ready to order for the woman. Of course, take her desires into account. For example, I might say to a woman “hey I’m gonna get something to drink. This place has an excellent margarita. Do you want me to get you one?” That way, you are taking charge but also giving her an “out” if she doesn’t want a margarita. But beware: sometimes when the girl resists your plan and tries to take control of the date too much, that is a sign that she is not attracted to you and she is using you for attention or even food (that is very common in the dating world). If she says “let’s go hang out with my other friends” that usually a bad sign. I may still go, but I will be ready to bail.
And most importantly, never, ever, ever, ever let anybody take control of your date. I don’t care if you guys run into Jay-Z and he invites you to his party at a Miami mansion, you still shouldn’t go. You should say “we’ll think about it” and then later on in the date you suggest to the girl that you guys can go to his mansion. And if your girl just leaves with Jay-Z, well guess what, she wanted to fuck Jay-Z rather than you. It’s a common emotion.
**Don’t buy her expensive things** Feminism aside, it’s still the norm for guys to pay on the first date, especially if the guy asked the girl out. But don’t buy her expensive shit. I can’t really explain this one, but I’ve just noticed that I do less well with girls I spend lots of money on. I think its because when they notice that you’re dropping big bucks they may 1) think you’re a dumb sucker, 2) see you more as a provider or sugar daddy than somebody they connect with or 3) feel like you’re trying to “buy” them, which is creepy and uncomfortable. It may feel weird, but stick to cheap, unless its alcohol. I once knew a guy who would take girls on “change dates,” where he would basically tell the girl that they could only places he could afford with his change jar. According to him it worked. Men are evolutionary wired to be “providers,” but rich guys who try to get girls by impressing them with money are a dime a dozen, so you won’t stand out by taking a girl to an expensive restaurant.
**Try to plan the date so that you end up going places where you know people and/or look important** This is called social proof. I always try to plan dates at places I frequent so I will know people. It makes me look important and cool when people (like, for example, the bartender) say hi to me. The one caveat here is don’t let other girls butt into your date. A lot of shitty girls will try to makes themselves the star of your date and ruin it, even if they never liked you and/or friendzoned you. If you talk to another girl long enough on a date your date will think you’ve lost interest in her and as a result will lose interest in you. I have had my dates ruined by 3rd party girls several times – I am now more careful when I run into girls I know.
**Always have an escape plan** You should always be ready to bail on a date at the drop of a dime. It’s a sad fact that in 2016 a lot of girls are massive shitheads and may do something absolutely inappropriate and boundary crossing and you may need to leave. I have even had girls show up to dates with other guys. You should never be in a position where you are stuck somewhere and you can’t leave. With Uber that shouldn’t be a problem but normally I won’t let a girl drive me somewhere where I won’t have a car.
And also, feel free to bail if she does something inappropriate or otherwise disqualifying. Here is when I would leave: she is ignoring me for other people (especially guys), she is being disrespectful or mean to me, she is trying to hijack the date and go places I don’t want to go, she is clearly not interested in me, she is in a shitty mood and the vibe is weird and negative. As a matter of politeness I don’t leave if I’m just not having fun. I have heard of guys saying to girls “this isn’t working” and just leave. I think that’s douchey. If they took a chunk of time out of their day to hang out with you, you should respect that and give them the time.
**Create a false time constraint** This one may seem counterintuitive, but it’s worked for me. At the beginning of the date, I may say something like “I should go home by a decent time tonight, because I have some stuff I have to do tomorrow.” This is a false time constraint, which makes you look like you have a busy interesting life without her and will also make the girl feel like she has an “out” in case the date sucks. Most girls’ worst nightmare (and mine too) is a date that never ends with someone who is way too into you. Of course, if the date goes well she will usually forget about the stuff you supposedly had to do. And if she asks about it you can say “the stuff isn’t that important, and I’m having too much fun with you.”
**Adopt relaxed, laid-back, nonchalant body language and tone of voice** Act like you’ve been here before and its not a big deal for you to be on a date with a hot girl. Next time you go to a restaurant or bar, look at the couples. In every couple there will be one person who is more into the other person than they are into them. You can usually tell who that person is by their body language: they are more uptight, they look less comfortable and relaxed, they are in a position of weakness (for example, they may be leaning in while the other person is leaning back). Don’t be that person. I will usually relax in my chair, get comfortable, make sure there is space around me, and lean back a little bit to make her come to me. These are all very subtle body language things but they establish a correct power dynamic.
**Don’t get more drunk than her** Remember, you need to be in control of the date and you can’t be in control if you are more drunk than her. I don’t care how well you think it’s going and how much fun you’re having or how well you think you can handle your alcohol, watch you’re fucking drinking. I have had way too many dates ruined because I got too wasted. Even if you are slightly more drunk than her, she will be able to tell and she will think it is unattractive. This advice goes for other drugs as well.
**Make sure she doesn’t drink too much (or do too many drugs)** Sometimes when you are awesome at drinking, you may forget that other people aren’t as good and may be downright amateurs. Be careful and monitor what the girl is drinking so she doesn’t get too drunk. For one, you don’t want to have to nurse a drunk girl. Second, you probably want to be able to fuck and you don’t want to do anything legally questionable. Thirdly, sometimes people get so drunk that they hurt themselves and you don’t want to be responsible for that. When in doubt, err on the side of extreme caution unless they absolutely demonstrate that they are handling it well.
**Be nice to the help** Nothing makes you look more confident and alpha than being nice to waiters, valets, concierges, etc... When you are super nice to a waiter, it makes it look like the waiter served you super well, and it makes you look important. If she is being rude to the help, tell her to knock it off (unless she is absolutely adamant about complaining about something). Being rude to the help is similar to a shit test in that it is a petty, stupid emotion that needs a confident, alpha guy to step in and put an end to. I usually say something like “they’re just doing their job, let it go. I’ll buy you something else.”
**Don’t get too emotional** Remember, women take longer than men to get emotionally invested so a lot of times you may think you guys have “connected” when she is still feeling you out. This is dangerous because if you get emotionally invested too quickly you might start revealing things about yourself you shouldn’t or acting too emotional or saying weird sappy shit or whatnot. In movies, you can tell a date is going well because the people in the date start confessing their deepest, darkest secrets to each other. Don’t do that – that’s not how the real world works.
**Don’t let your guard down** This goes with the last one. No matter how much fun you’re having, or how close of a “connection” you feel, don’t trick yourself into thinking she’s in love with you and/or it’s ok to let your guard down. By “letting your guard down” I mean getting drunk, letting her cross your boundaries, doing things you know you shouldn’t do, etc...
**Get deep** If you’re creative you can shift the conversation to deep topics quickly. Let’s say she says “I hate my job.” You can make it go deep by saying “what would you do if you could have any job?” Shit like that. But just be careful to not make her uncomfortable. Some girls don’t want to get deep about certain things. You also don’t want to look like you are prodding into her personal life or trying to look fake deep. Make sure she is comfortable and is going along with it.
**Get touchy** This is how I do it. I start the date off with a hug and I don’t get touchy right away unless she gets touchy. Then at some point when we’re bantering she will say something I agree with or I think is funny and to emphasize my delight I will touch her. From then on, I’ve broken the seal and now I can start touching her.
**Turn the conversation sexual** Now, don’t do the typical douchey thing where you just say “you’re so hot, I want to fuck you.” Instead, talk about sex in the context of something else. For example, if you’re talking about relationships I might just say off handedly: “a lot of things are important in relationships: loyalty, shared interests, and wild sex.” Read her and make sure you don’t make her feel uncomfortable.
**Don’t ever talk about your exes** Ever! Ever! I don’t care what you have to say or how positive it is. Just don’t do it. It’s not good. Other things to not talk about: politics if you guys disagree, religion if you guys disagree, terrible things you’ve done, weird sexual shit about yourself, etc...
**Keep it positive** Once again, in the movies when people are on a date it becomes this weird therapy session where they confess their deepest and darkest fears, problems and secrets to each other. Don’t do that in real life. In real life, you should keep it positive. Nobody wants to hear about your problems if they just met you. That shit comes later, after you’ve been dating for like 8 months. Even if things go wrong on the date, be lighthearted and funny about it. Nothing is more attractive than a guy who keeps his cool in the face of adversity.
**People watch** One thing I like to do on dates is to say to the girl “hey do you like people watching”? She will usually say yes and then we will people watch the other people in the restaurant together. We may try to guess their life stories or maybe even make fun of them.
**Challenge her** There is nothing more unattractive and beta than a guy who sits there drooling and agrees with everything a girl says. Challenge her. Make things interesting. Of course, don’t challenge her on things that she probably won’t budge on. If she says she is a hardcore Christian, you’re probably not going to get anywhere by trying to convince her that Christianity is stupid. I don’t care how much of an atheist you are, that’s a dumb thing to say, especially to somebody you just met. Keep your controversial opinions to yourself unless you think she would open to them. Here is how I think of it: everybody has a range of opinions and topics that are acceptable to them. Make sure you stay within her range. Basically, use your judgment.
Related to that, don’t supplicate to her. Don’t go get her things, hold her purse, etc... But more importantly, don’t supplicate in the conversation. If she says “I like EDM” don’t say you like EDM too if you don’t. It’s ok to be different and have your own opinions. Even if I agree with a girl, I will play coy so it doesn’t look like I am just agreeing with her just to be agreeable.
**Have a logistical plan to get back to your place** Duh.
**Close** Here are a few ways to close:
At some point in the conversation we may talk about a youtube video, or a piece of art or weed or something that I like. And if she’s into that thing, I will say “Oh you like weed? I have some at my house. We’ll go there after this.” Or she might say “the drinks here are expensive” and I’ll say “I have liquor at my house, we’ll go there after this.” And then I’ll drop it because I don’t want her to feel like I am pressuring her. If she says “no” I will be like “ok” and I might try one more time before the end of the night. Then, like an hour or two later, after we’ve had some more fun, I’ll say “ok, let’s go back to my house and smoke some weed and/or have a drink and/or look at some art.”
Another way I close is I wait until the date is hitting a peak and I’ll just say “hey let’s go back to my apartment.” I only say that if we’re having fun and peaking. She will never say yes if you ask her when the date is weird or awkward.
I will write a full blog post on closing soon.