How to escalate

How to escalate

The key to escalating is holding frame, like you can be trusted to take control of and guide the entire night. You must also make her feel that what you are doing is not only ok, it is the right thing to do, and if she decides to get off the plane, she is only hurting herself. And of course, you must appear less emotionally invested in the interaction than her while simultaneously escalating.

Men often fail to escalate because they are afraid of looking creepy or needy. This is a legitimate fear – women are constantly harassed by creeps and they will auto-reject guys who put pressure on them or make them feel uncomfortable. But creepiness is just emotional over-investment. Women take longer than men to get emotionally invested, so there is an “analysis” period where she is trying to figure out whether she likes you and/or wants to fuck you. During this time you must show that you are interested and may want to fuck her, while simultaneously being careful to not jump the gun and freak her out. If you do not show sexual interest, she will either assume that you are not interested in her or that you are a huge pussy. If you show too much sexual interest and will feel pressured and scared. In either case, you lose.

Theory

”Possibly” and double meaning

You must make clear from the beginning of the interaction you are “possibly” interested in fucking her. If you make clear that you will fuck her no matter what she says or does to you, you are emotionally overinvested and telling her you have no standards or boundaries.

To show that my interest is only “possibly,” I speak in phrases that have a double meaning - one meaning where I am trying to fuck and one where I am not. Double meaning sentences keep her guessing and keep the pressure off of her. By not making the sexual intentions explicit, you aid in her plausible denialability.

Here is an example, early in the interaction:

Me: Are you single?

Her: Yeah

Me: Well that’s good for me.

Her: Why?

Me: Because that means some dude isn’t going to come from the shadows and try to kick my ass.

This conversation clearly has an undertone of “I’m glad you are single because I am going to try to fuck you” but can also be framed as “I am glad you are single because I don’t want to get beat up.”

If a girl says something sexual to you, you must be nonchalant and also use double meanings so you don't fail her "test": 

Her: God I am horny

Me: Well, hopefully somebody can help you with that tonight.

Obviously, I’m telling her there I want to fuck her, but the “double meaning” gives her an “out” so she doesn’t feel like a slut. Another way to use double meaning is with jokes that can be interpreted as being serious or just a “joke.” Another use of double meaning is to “reject” her, but make it clear you still like her. I might say “you know, Kelly, I really like you but we may be incompatible because we are too much alike.” On its face, that’s a rejection, but you can read between the lines and see that it is really a challenge for Kelly to validate herself.

Obviously, you can’t use the “double meaning” theory in physical escalation. It would be creepy and disingenuous (“I wasn’t trying to touch your ass, I thought it was the couch!”). Physical escalation should be direct and unapologetic.

Confidence

Confidence is faith that you will succeed in what you are doing. It’s also the intellectual thought and feeling that what you are doing is fundamentally right and not creepy or weird.

When I was 6 years old, my mom was sewing and I sat on one of her needles. My mom could see if I was trying to figure out whether to cry or not, so she immediately took a needle and poked by dad in the ass, like it was a fun thing to do. My dad then took a needle and poked my mom in the ass. We all started laughing, and I totally didn’t realize that what had happened was “bad.” Women, similarly, need you to decide whether what is happening is “bad” or not. If you act like it’s not bad, she might still think it’s bad, but she also might think it’s good. But if you act like it might be bad, she will definitely think it’s bad.

Turning the conversation sexual

To not get friendzoned, you must make clear that you have sexual desires. Women are not grossed out by men wanting sex, they are grossed out by men being creepy towards them (i.e., overly emotionally invested). Women want sex too, but they want it when they want it. I love Oreo cheesecake, but if you tried to force feed it to me when I’m at the gym we’ll have a problem.

You don't necessarily need to turn a conversation sexual to escalate, and it may actually be inappropriate in many instances, but if you do want to turn a conversation sexual, this is how you do it:

1) I talk about sex in the abstract.

2) I talk about my own sexual desires.

3) I talk about my desire to have sex with her.

Each shift is a big escalation, and must be done with emotional intelligence. I speak in a logical, almost professorial tone, as if I am completely in control of my emotions and dick and will not be doing anything crazy, weird, unconfident, or rape-y. The best first strikes are those that flow as part of the conversation. Example:

Her: I believe in gay rights.

Me: Me too! My philosophy is that anybody should be able to fuck anybody they want. Who am I to judge? Have a party.

I may also casually bring up a subject involving sex. I may tell a woman about a documentary I saw where girl cops actually had sex with mafia guys to learn their secrets. I’ll then escalate and say something like “now that’s dedication to your job” or “maybe she liked it, maybe she got turned on by fucking the bad guys.” Note that I am not talking about her and I having sex yet.

The next step is to bring up my own sexuality. I usually do this as a joke. At a Christmas party I might point to an ornament on the tree and say “that’s what my balls look like” or I may point to a tall skyscraper and say “that’s so nice they made a monument of my dick.” Again, this is low-risk because I am not directing my scary male sexuality at HER. I may also make a self-deprecating joke if it’s appropriate for the subject. If we are talking about drinking, I might say “I don’t do cocaine because my dick does not appreciate it.”

The final step in making the conversation sexual is talking about fucking HER. This is a huge step because male sexuality can be scary. It’s best done in double meanings to make her feel like she has an out. A good way to bring up sex is in the context of relationships, in an intelligent way. For example:

Her: [Says something about her relationships]

Me: Let me guess what your problem is. You want a strong, dominant man and you have a hard finding that because most men because intimidated by you and you “break” them, even guys that were previously confident.

Her (usually): Oh my god, that is so true! How did you know that?

Me: Because you just look like a very confident, alpha female. And obviously you are very pretty and smart, so you are a catch and probably make men go crazy.

Her: I mean, I don’t want to brag.

Me: The solution for you is to find somebody that can handle your awesomeness and still be confident and dominant. You also need a guy who will dominate you in the bedroom and fuck the shit out of you.

Her: You are so right!

Me: I think I know somebody that can help you.

DO NOT DWELL ON SEX. You don’t want to make it weird or uncomfortable, and you certainly don’t want to look thirsty or desperate. This is tricky ground, so your best bet is to get in, make your point and get out. The vibe you give should be “I’m interested in fucking you, but if you say no I will walk away and find somebody else, no problem.” It’s also good to sometimes downshift your escalation so that girls don’t feel like they are on a crazy train that they can’t get off of. You don’t want to look like a zombie who is excited because he smelled blood. Please also keep in mind that not all women want to talk about sex. A lot of women just want to go right to the act – you have to read them and see what kind of person they are. A lot of liberal, “alternative” women are a lot more open to talking about it than conservative women.

Kino

Kino (touching) is important and necessary, but requires you to read the situation and use your emotional intelligence. As with everything, you need to be less emotionally invested than her. I usually do it for a little, back off, and then go back to it. You don’t need to have your hands on her all night for her to want to fuck you – you just need to create that biological “bond” caused by touching. I don’t want a girl to feel like I am smothering her or “trapping” her so I want to give her an “out” if she is not feeling me. Sometimes girls are afraid to say no, so if I back off that give her an opportunity to reassess her situation. But you must go back at a reasonable time so that she doesn’t feel like you lost interest.

If you feel awkward, start slow and build up. When we first start talking, I don’t touch her at all. Then when she starts to show some interest and she wants to say something to me, I will get closer to her so she can talk into my ear and put my arm around the small of her back. When the interesting thing she is saying is finished, I back off and continue the conversation. I do this a few more times as the conversation progresses to make her comfortable with us touching, and at some point I will get more aggressive with the kino when I feel she is ready.

Other ways to escalate:

1) Deep eye contact

2) Slight hair pulling

3) Whispering things in her ear

4) Reacting to things she says with just smiling.

Rejections

If you go for an escalation and fail, take the leadership position and own it so that it doesn’t become awkward. I might say something like “Well, I tried.” I don’t apologize or start acting weird (supplicating, etc…) because I I didn’t do anything wrong or weird. If she tries to “shame” you for escalating, stand your ground and act like you did nothing wrong (hint: this works better when you actually do nothing wrong – so don’t do anything wrong).

Some comebacks I use after getting an escalation shut down:

1) I was doing you a favor

2) Don’t worry, you might get another chance

3) My mom taught me that if you’re not getting rejected, you’re not trying hard enough

4) You can’t blame me for trying.

If she says no but gets super apologetic, I might just say “I completely understand. Not everyone is a slut like me” or “stop apologizing. Stand up for yourself.” If she actually gets angry, which has never happened, I guess I would say “I apologize, I read the situation wrong.”

If she rejects an escalation attempt, I immediately go cold on it and move on to something else. No begging, no pushing. It’s unattractive and freaks women out to keep pushing. After saying something funny to defuse the awkwardness, I make the conversation platonic again. If I try to make a move on a girl in bed and she says no, I promptly roll over, say “ok, I tried. Good night!” And go to sleep. One of one of the most attractive things you can do is try to escalate, get shut down, and then go back to acting completely normal. Girls will have a lot of respect for a guy who knows what he wants, tries to get it, but then completely respects the girl’s boundaries if she says no.

There is a line of thinking that women “like” to be “taken” and not asked for consent. There is a little truth to this, but whatever you do, please keep in mind the legal consequences of what you are doing and how she REALLY feels. This requires a lot of emotional intelligence and sensitivity. At the end of the day, the woman must want it. Sometimes if I do something “ravishing” I might just make a move and then ask her after a few minutes “do you like this” and if she says yes I keep going. I am not going to risk my future just because some girl is into freaky shit.

Practice

Here are my steps to escalating:

1) Ask if she is single

2) Set the frame that you want to fuck her.

3) Speak to her platonically about things you are both interested in THAT ARE NOT HER.

4) Use your emotional intelligence to read her, and when you feel like she is ready, and it is appropriate, escalate confidently using kino or a double-meaning phrase

5) After she has hopefully accepted your escalation, go back to platonic mode.

6) Occasionally get her to change locations with you. Let her know the plan.

7) Repeat steps 3-6 until you close.

1) Ask if she is single

I always ask if she is single as early as it is appropriate. Plenty of girls are happy to waste your time for validation and attention, only to let you know at the end of the night that they have a boyfriend. Fuck that noise. I want to know from the start. Some losers think that asking a girl if she is single is “needy” or “too forward,” but neediness is a function of your demeanor and your frame, not your words. If I ask a girl if she’s single, I am forcing her to qualify herself – I still may walk away even if she is single because I may get bored by her.

2) Set the frame that you want to fuck

This step requires emotional intelligence Usually asking a girl if she is single is enough to set the frame. Sometimes I’ll just say “you look really hot now.” Other times, I may say nothing because it is implied by the emotional context of the conversation. In any event, I need it to be clear that we are not having a “friendly” conversation. Even if she says something like “hey I thought we were just hanging out” I can credibly say “no, I made it clear that I was trying to fuck you.”

A lot of guys are afraid to set this frame because they think they will scare the woman off. Again, creepiness and aggressiveness is a function of your frame and emotional investment. Women do not get annoyed that men want to fuck, they get annoyed when men do it in an awkward, anxious, manipulative, creepy, or overaggressive way.

Think about it like this: if she rejects the idea of fucking you right from the beginning, wouldn’t you want to know that before you wasted a bunch of your time?

3) Speak to her platonically about things you are both interested in THAT ARE NOT HER

Having platonic lulls in your escalation is necessary for several reasons. First, you don’t need to have your hands all over her or be saying sexual shit all night for her to fuck you. You just need to open the door and make sure she feels “accepted” and comfortable with you. Second, escalating all night is exhausting. If you are out with your girlfriend, you would not spend every second escalating so why would do that with some random girl you just met. Third, escalating all night is exhausting. I want to fuck at the end of the night, but until then, I want to have a fun, normal conversation. Fourth, having platonic lulls takes the pressure off of her and makes her feel like you are not a crazy zombie that is hell-bent on fucking her and nothing else: you are actually an interesting, fun person who has more going on in his brain than sex.

Platonic lulls also keep her guessing. From her perspective, you’ve said you want to fuck, but you also talk to her like she’s just another person, but now you’re escalating. What’s really going on with you? Keeping that mystery and uncertainty will keep her stimulated and interested.

4) 1) Use your emotional intelligence to read her, and when you feel like she is ready, and it is appropriate, escalate confidently using kino or a double-meaning phrase

I explained these concepts earlier. I usually escalate on a high emotional note, but please keep in mind that it is not my responsibility to keep her “entertained” on the date. A lot of guys become clowns for girls and are constantly trying to impress them or make them laugh. Fuck that. There is no “show” you can put on for her that will keep her interested all night. The most attractive thing about you is your demeanor – i.e., you following your mission, which in that moment is having fun. She will be more attracted to you following your mission and having fun than trying to artificially create emotional spikes so you can escalate.

When you escalate, read her to see how interested she is in you. If you put your hand on her waist a positive reaction will be her putting her hand around you, a neutral reaction would be her just standing there and not doing anything, and a negative reaction would be her moving away or taking your hand off of her waist. If she reacts positively, great – keep going (but wait a little bit for the next escalation so you don’t look super aggressive). If she reacts negatively, stop and re-assess whether she reacted negatively because you are moving too fast or because she just doesn’t like you. If you are moving too fast, downshift. If she is just not attracted to you, quit and move on. If she acts neutrally, she may be doing so because she is afraid of saying no or because she is just not expressive. Keep escalating, but read her to make sure you are not wasting your time or making her feel uncomfortable.

5) After she has hopefully accepted your escalation, go back to platonic mode

This step is a counterpart to step 3.

6) Occasionally get her to change locations with you.

This may be the most important step. Your ultimate goal is to get the girl emotionally invested in you, and to do this you must get her to DO THINGS FOR YOU. Her words mean nothing – women are trained by society to say whatever guys want to hear. And in the context of a bar or a nightclub, the best thing way to get her to emotionally invest is to follow you around. If she refuses to follow you around, it is either because she is just not interested in you, or you are totally emotionally invested and you need to tap the brakes.

If you get her to change locations with you two or more times, you are probably in. You also need to let her know the plan. I am constantly verbalizing the plan for the night:

• Hey, let’s have a drink here and then go to [some other bar]

• My friends are going to be at X bar in 20 minutes, let’s go meet them after this.

• Dude, I love this song. After this song, let’s go to my house and get a drink.

If you’ve set the frame where you are the leader and she is following you around, she will follow you home. There is no magic line to get her to come home with you – I usually just say “come have a drink at my house” so it’s clear I am trying to fuck.

How to get into (and stay in) a flow state

How to get into (and stay in) a flow state

Your mission

Your mission