How to get over a break up
Getting dumped is one of the most devastating things that can happen to a person. Sometimes people never recover and their life is ruined. Other times, they spiral into a pit of depression, making bad choices and oftentimes ending up with somebody they don’t even like just to fill that hole. I have created this guide to help you navigate any break up. I divide this guide into parts: your mental attitudes towards relationships and the actual actions you need to take to get over a break-up.
The goal of the “mental shit” is to mentally convince yourself its over. The worst part of the break ups isn’t really the sadness of losing somebody, but the constantly unfulfilled hope of getting them back. You need to convince yourself that it is over – once you do that, getting your ex gets a lot easier. Sometimes it will be hard because the other person will want you around as a “plaything” to boost their self-esteem but will continue to treat you like shit. Fuck that. If you still have feelings for somebody, and they won’t commit to you or treat you like shit, you need to stay away from them because it will only make you more miserable. Here are some tips:
Read Fuck Yes or No First of all, read Mark Manson’s blog post “Fuck Yes or No,” found here: http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes. I am not going to repeat the entire post, but it basically says that you should not waste your time with somebody unless you are “fuck yes” about them, and more importantly, they are “fuck yes” about you. The fact is, a lot of people will “kind of” like you, but it’s not worth your time and your emotions to invest in somebody who won’t give you 100% of them. It doesn’t matter how you feel about somebody, if they are not “fuck yes” about you, move on. If you feel like they are playing games, move on. If they do something disrespectful or that shows they don’t really care about you, move on.
Realize that the terrible feeling you get after being dumped is depression Human beings are tribal animals that evolved to avoid rejection. When you get rejected, your body reacts as if the tribe rejected you and you are now in the woods alone. That is why you lose your appetite and desire to sleep, and also why you think you will be alone forever. So just know that those “feelings” you have are biological tricks that do not necessarily match reality. You may feel like you “need” the person but that is really just depression
Realize that your desire to have them ‘back’ comes from your ego Your ego is the strongest emotion you have and it absolutely cannot take no for an answer. As I said earlier, humans are tribal animals and our biggest fear is getting kicked out of the tribe. For that reason, our ego is constantly striving to gain a higher position of esteem in the tribe so that it does not get rejected. And nothing shatters the ego that getting rejected from somebody we are intimately and romantically involved with.
To fix both your depression and the problem with your ego, you must realize that your value as a human being has nothing to do with whether a girl or boy likes you. You can date the most awesome person in the world, and then get dumped by that person, but who “you” are will remain the same the whole time. You don’t become better by dating somebody out of your league and you definitely don’t become worse by getting dumped. Our society teaches us that relationships are the most important thing in our lives and our happiness and identities depend on them. That’s wrong. A relationship is a fun thing to add to an already awesome life, but if you base your entire happiness and identity on another person, you’re deluding yourself AND the other person. If you’re feeling really terrible about a break up, it’s probably because you never developed your own identity.
Contrary to your ape-emotions, you are not going to get kicked out of the tribe or be alone forever if you get dumped. You don’t “need” any particular person to live a happy life. Think about yourself when you came out of your mom’s vagina. Did you “need” the person you are pining over then? Then why do you need them now? You aren’t “designed” to need any particular person and the idea of soulmates is bullshit. You just got addicted to them like they were a drug. So now you need to just kick that habit.
Here are some actions that you can take to get over break-ups:
Mourn for like a week Give yourself a week to feel sad. Think about it all you want, let yourself be depressed, etc... Get it all out because its never a good idea to hold in grief. But after a week, you have to start taking affirmative steps to get over your ex. You can’t mourn forever.
Make a list of the shitty things they did to you Human beings have a weird quirk where they tend to forget the bad stuff that happens in the past but remember the good stuff. That’s why people are always talking about how everything was better “back when.” You need to write down the shitty things they did to you so that you can constantly remind yourself why you are not with them anymore.
Purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka I’m kind of joking about this, but some type of “moving on” ceremony will definitely help. David Brooks wrote an interesting article in the New York Times about how people who saw their lives as “chapters” were happier than people who saw their lives as one long, continuous thing. For that reason, you should start a new chapter in your life by picking a time as your “move on” point and maybe even undergoing some type of ceremony from which point your life will be different. Clean your house, get rid of all reminders of your ex, buy some new clothes, and maybe go to the park and feed some ducks or something. Just don’t turn back.
Go no-contact for 60 days By “no contact” I mean absolutely no contact whatsoever. No calls, no texting, no social media, NOTHING. In fact, delete and block them from all of your social media and stop going to places they go. If you can’t avoid going where they go (for example, you have a class with them), ignore them. This is absolutely imperative. You will not be able to get over a break up if you keep talking to them.
Get a break-up buddy Find a friend, preferably somebody that you trust and isn’t going to try to have sex with you, that you can talk to about your feelings and emotions. A good friend will have a rational, objective view about the situation and won’t be in the grips of those biological death-emotions that you yourself are in. Whenever you are feeling sad or like you want to call your ex, call your break-up buddy and let them know how you feel. Ask for their advice and take it seriously. If you think your friend is “wrong” get a second opinion, but realize that your friends are going to have a more objective view than you.
Do anti-depression things Exercise. Get out of the house. Meditate. Eat better. See a therapist if you can afford it. Go outside into the sun. Clean your house (there is a strong correlation between a dirty house and depression). Be around happy, positive people. Keep up with your personal hygiene. Basically you need to realize that you’re in the grips of depression and you need to fight it like you’re fighting depression.
Become a different person Like I said earlier, nothing hurts a human being like a blow to your ego. The best way to get over somebody is to become a different person. Pick up a new good habit. Start a new hobby. Redecorate or at least reorganize your apartment. Buy some new clothes. I would prefer that you do all of these things, but any one of these would help. Once you change yourself enough, your ego can’t be sad about getting dumped anymore because you are no longer that person.
Don’t Do not do the following things: stalk them on social media (you should have gone no contact). Don’t try to make yourself feel better with drugs and alcohol. Don’t engage in self-destructive behaviors. Don’t jump into another relationship just to “fill that hole.” Don’t let people take advantage of you and your sadness.
And most importantly, DON’T GO BACK TO THEM. Usually if somebody dumps you, that’s because they are not “fuck yes” about you. Go find somebody who is.